


Pouring!

by d6dreams



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hate You/Love You, Opposites Attract, See Chapter One for Full Disclosure of Content Warning, Sungjin is a Tsundere, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-06-26 19:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 58,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15670263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d6dreams/pseuds/d6dreams
Summary: They say the best revenge is to live well. No one ever said that the well-lived life is supposed to be based on truth. So Iris Hwang did what histories of nobodies have done for generations: she made up her best life ever. She even invented the perfect boyfriend.Her problem isn't that her lies are now spiralling out of control and on the cusp of being found out. Her problem is that she said she was dating the captain of the baseball team, and he isn't denying it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. Content Warning: Iris will continuously reference a "scandal" here which is a video that was taken of her without her consent. It might be triggering or difficult to read for some readers so please tread with caution. This is not a spoiler nor a spoiler alert as it is not directly involved in the major plot points and conflicts and has happened prior to the events of this fic. It is briefly described in four short sentences in Chapter 12. Please tread with caution if you are easily triggered. In summary, Iris is -almost- kissed (by another unnamed character no longer in this fic) while unable to give/deny consent and there was a video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know u guys .___.
> 
> Someone on twt said Sungjin's new buzz cut makes him look like a captain of a baseball team, and my brain is like "Oh, shoujo manga style." And then this happened. Anyway, all I know about baseball is that there is a ball, a bat, and people running around a diamond. Also, let's not take ourselves too seriously. This is for fun and for the feelsies and let's just...let's just go with it, k? k.
> 
>  
> 
> *everybody say thank you to @_sungj6 and @aytozee_ for this high school au.   
> ** I made stuff up so nobody come at me for inaccuracies in ~things because Rule of Cool  
> ***jk Rule of Convenience

 

My heart is pounding.

To be fair, that’s what a normally functioning heart is supposed to do, but I feel like right now my heart is about to burst right out of my chest and splatter into a spectacular display of blood and guts on the floor.

Can’t say I won’t have seen that one coming.

For I, Iris Hwang, am a liar.

In my defense, I panicked. Also in my defense, the three girls whose company I’ve been trying to avoid all of winter break and pretty much for the rest of my life just also happen to be the same girls I’ve been trying to impress since they let me into their fold and then kicked me out. Perhaps _impress_ isn’t the word I’m looking for. It’s not like I want back into their good graces, not after The Incident from second year. I just want to not feel like such a loser. I just want to prove to them that I don’t need them. I’m better off without them. Is that so bad?

And so, on the first day back as we gather around for the morning before first period, instead of the truth, I’ve concocted some lie about my whereabouts and the company I’ve kept.

Let be it stated on record that for the whole of winter break, I stayed at home playing video games, editing and mastering videos for my Let’s Play channel, helped out my parents at the curry restaurant, and stayed in reading romance novels and shoujo manga during the rest of my free time.

But, no. That’s not nearly as impressive. Or vindictive.

Naturally, with all that time and all that media I've consumed and at my disposal, I made up a life. I made up boyfriend. Little things I can explain away when asked. Little things that are plausible in their vagueness. It’s not like I can suddenly say I’ve become a model or an idol or an actress. But I did say I’ve landed myself a secret boyfriend that I can’t talk about because of reasons—some bought the idea others weren’t as convinced. But it’s enough to annoy these girls and rebuild the mess that’s become my name. Enough to remind them that for me, this war isn’t over.

I’ve covered all my bases, made up tweets and Instagram posts about how my life was better off without them. I know they’re watching because that’s what they do. They keep tabs on people, and it used to be me who did the dirty work for them. So I came up with the best life I can live without them.

Because when faced with the world I once was a part of—the _inside_ , the glittering company of the girls you either want to be friends with or despise with alacrity, the kind of girls guys want to date, the kind of girls whose attention is all that matters, I can only think of one thing. Now that I’m on the outside looking in and feeling like we’ve never even been friends to begin with: Did they even want me at all?

Perhaps not, after what they did. But then again, no one cares about what happened anymore. After all, it doesn’t matter I suppose. But these looks of pity? Of disdain? They matter to me. Once I was Iris on the Inside. Now, I’m just on the fringes of the social hierarchy, one incident my downfall. But they will want me again. And when they come to me, that’s when I will reject them.

But I need to survive this day first.

I used to feel invincible because of these girls I used to call friends, but now I try to sink into the spaces in between our other classmates and disappear into the crowd faceless. Be Invisible Iris. I feel the wash of shame on my face, the heat creeping up unbidden. My lies bear down on me, held up only by petty rage. So now I sit here in my corner of the room, waiting. Just waiting for something to happen because I just know something will. Disaster is always at the wake of audacity. I _know_ what I’ve done. I’ve heard the whispers. They’re still talking about me, but this time it’s different. I’m no longer the victim. But what I've learned is this: just because it's good now, doesn’t mean it will stay that way.

“You know, I never noticed how handsome the captain of the baseball team is,” Byul says, twirling her hair around her fingers. They’re seated together in the middle of the room, always the centre of attention. I sat by the window, staring out and watching students file into the campus grounds.

She’s talking about Sungjin Park. Class president, honour-roll student, perpetually late, Sungjin Park who is also captain of the baseball team. That Sungjin Park. The same guy who comes to the curry restaurant every other weekend and orders our specialty spice level 10 curry meal. I spot him on the grounds, chatting with the other members of the baseball team. Hard not to find him, not since he shaved his head, giving him a sharp look that makes him even scarier than usual.

Except, everybody loves Sungjin. _Everybody_. We’ve never been in the same class before this year, but I always hear someone talking about him. There’s always someone new, boys and girls, gushing about their newfound adoration of him. Every day feels like another day someone discovers something about him one can’t help but love. Of the entire team and despite being the team captain, he’s always the last people notice. But when they do they can’t look away anymore. As if he’s earned that attention and intends to keep it.

A group of girls walk up to him once he’s separated from the team. Two of them push one girl forward, and she hands him a well-wrapped box. Sungjin’s head tilts to the side, then he runs his hand over the top of his head. He says something. The girl backs away with her gift, and Sungjin walks away.

Hana laughs, ear-piercingly shrill. “He always gets, like, a bunch of letters and stuff in his locker every day. Like, when he opens his locker, letters and gifts come pouring out like a landslide. I didn’t see the appeal until they started winning. Honestly, they’re saying we have a chance at nationals?”

It’s really the only reason they’re paying attention to him now. Because he lead last year’s team all the way to the division semi-finals. Not that _I_ know anything about baseball. Or sports in general. Unless it’s e-sports. But I also shouldn’t know anything about that. At least not out loud.

“As if you even knew we had a baseball team.” That’s Haneul, the leader of this little group. I looked up to her. Because she’s pretty. Because she gets good grades. Because she comes from a good family. Because she likes paying for things for her friends. “The only sport you know is shopping.”

There’s a beat of silence, then more laughter. I used to laugh with them, and I loved the way the others looked on with envy. Then my stomach turns, remembering when that laughter was once directed at me.

“As if _you_ know anything about baseball,” Hana continues. “The only time you attend any sports-related event is when Matthew is playing or if he’ll be there.”

Everyone knows Haneul has a thing for the basketball team captain Matthew Kim. It’s not really a secret. Haneul is incapable of keeping it a secret, what with the way she keeps orchestrating run-ins with him. We spent an entire weekend stalking his Instagram just so we know where to accidentally run into him in a totally not contrived manner at all.

“He’s nice, though,” Haneul adds, flipping her long, curled hair over her shoulder. “I talked to him a bit over the break. Sungjin Park, captain of the baseball team. He's literally like a prince.”

“Isn’t he scary?” asks the fourth girl in this group. My replacement. The one they get to boss around for being less. “I heard he’s really strict with the team. I also hear other girls say he’s always rejecting them.”

Hana narrows her eyes at their newest pet. “Oh, you. Poor Jiyeon. You wouldn’t understand.”

This used to be me, they used to say that to me, too. _Poor Iris, you don’t understand_. _Poor Iris, you’ll figure it out eventually._ I never realized until the veil of glamor was lifted and I can see these people for what they truly are.

“He's not scary at all. He’s a man of action,” Haneul says, eyes darting around in search. “He didn’t say it, but you know, I really think we had a moment. I really think he was just holding back, but I just know it. There was definitely something fateful there.”

“He hasn’t been rejecting all those girls for nothing,” Byul goes on, casually, “I mean, of course he’s holding out for the one girl who won’t be chasing after him.”

“When did you go out?” asks the poor thing. “I don’t remember you telling us about that?”

Haneul bristles, her face twitching into the mousiness she tries to hide with curtain bangs and bright pink lips. “Because some things are… _private_. But I'm telling you, I could tell with the way he looks at me. He wants _more_.”

I roll my eyes and snort.

Hana sees me, of course. Her eyes home in on me and fill with a delight that drowns me with dread. “Oh god, I thought we got rid of all the pests in this school. Really, Iris. You’re not welcome here anymore, stop trying to fit in with us.”

“I’m really not,” I mutter under my breath. It’s not my fault we’re in the same grade and in the same class, and thus in the same room. I can’t wait for the warning bell to ring so Byul, Hana, and Jiyeon will have no choice but leave for their respective classrooms.

“Oh, it’s you Iris. You’re still here.”

Ugh. Haneul was just… _awful_.

“I really thought we got rid of her,” Hana adds. “What’s the matter, no one wants to be your friend? Begging to be one of us again?” She always did have a way with words, making them sting like icicles. "Oh, wait, I forgot. You've been so busy this past break. _So_ _busy_."

“Really, Iris, don’t you have other _friends?_ ” Haneul says, “ _People_ you can go to, I don’t know, museums and galleries and walk in parks with. Where are they now? Oh, right, you can't really talk about _them_.”

Exactly what it’s like on my social media feed. All of it true, from a certain point of view. I did go to these places. Allegedly with my boyfriend. If they’re trying to break me, they will fail.

I look away.

“Or did they not want you anymore. _They,”_ Hana laughed. “Him, right? Who was it again?”

“Whatever,” Byul says to the group, the tone in her voice crawling all over my skin. Like fire ants. Three of them smirking at me, looking at me like vermin. A fourth face, not quite sure yet what to do, but eager to please just the same. “She doesn’t matter anyway. Nobody wants her. It’s kinda sad, really. Pitiful. Inferior Iris, at it again.”

Nobody wants me. I am of no consequence. Inferior Iris, Imperfect Iris, Iris with the Incident. I know this. I’ve listed all my flaws, owned my plainness, and stopped wanting the impossible. But Iris has had enough. Later maybe I can get to analyse this situation and justify what I’m about to do. Maybe later, I can even laugh at this and dismiss it as my juvenile and addled brain at it again. Maybe I can even say, one day for sure, that it’s because I know what it’s like to have had and lost, and it’s that devastating loss that’s done me in. In any case, the lies I’ve told came almost so naturally, even I will have believed it.

And with that, I snap.

I stand up and step closer to them, shoulders back and my spine straight. I meet Haneul’s eyes. This girl I once thought of as dearest friend, she’s nothing to me now. I want her to feel the same embarrassment as she made me feel. To feel like I won something and she lost. I want to make her _hurt_. “I don’t want to be your friend. The best thing that’s happened in my life is that I got out of your circle.”

Byul laughs. “Excuse me, you didn’t walk out. We threw you out.”

They treated me like trash. But I’ll show them who’s trash.

Hana doesn’t even look at me, she’s too busy dusting off the imaginary dust on her skirt. “We didn’t want you anymore, so we got rid of you. So easy.”

Haneul lifts her chin, her perfect hair and her perfect face catch the light. “Don’t be surprised if no one wants you ever again. Or that no one wants you at all now. Honestly, who are you trying to fool?”

“He doesn’t want you,” I say, feeling the anger cool into a liquid fire in my veins. Vaguely, I’m aware that the rest of the class is looking at us, listening intently. 

“What are you talking about?” Haneul replies, striking me with a glare that’s absolutely vicious. Then she laughs. Brightly. “What are you going on about now?”

The words come out without hesitation, without any sense of stopping. They come out as easy as my fingers know their way around a controller. “Sungjin. He doesn’t want you.”

She scoffs. Then she asks, condescension dripping in every word. “And why not?”

Anger is easy to blame. There must be a reason why the lie that I started innocuously has become so big, it’s eclipsed the sun.

“Sungjin doesn’t want you,” I say, even when I know I should stop the words before it becomes too late to take them back. And yet, I go on. These words have become unstoppable. “Because he wants me. Sungjin is mine.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

If I can crawl into a ditch and just stay there, live out my days hidden away forever, I will. My breakfast curdles in my stomach. Not because of the lie. For a moment, the look on their faces made lying worth it. For once in my life I have something they don’t, but like a rollercoaster the moment you’re up, it’s only a matter of seconds before you’re hurtling down.

Sungjin is standing by the door.

I am definitely going to be sick.

And the way it happens, is a slow-motion train wreck. One that has the entire class watching, because that’s how things in my life go. On public record. As if I were someone made for someone else's entertainment. When I said I love drama and romance, really I meant as an observer and not as an active participant in the matter.

Haven’t I been the subject of scandal one too many times already?

But Sungjin doesn’t say anything, doesn’t acknowledge that I’ve just announced the biggest lie to ever leave my mouth, or that we’ve never even spoken more than three words to each other. He simply takes his seat and almost immediately rises to lead the class to stand and greet our class adviser Mr. Junho Lee.

Thankfully, the issue is left alone for now as class begins. It’s going to be the longest morning of my life, and my heart won’t stop thumping in my chest. I might seriously need to go visit the nurse after this. If I don’t suffer a heart attack before lunch rolls in, consider it a miracle.

With my head down, I feel all the stares my way. When I look up, I can see the way my classmates’ eyes are darting toward Sungjin. Sungjin, who I still don’t know if he’s heard what I said. I want to sink to the floor and press my face against the concrete. And cry. I don’t want to think about what Sungjin thinks. I don’t want to think about what he’s going to say when finally we’re brought into the same conversation to prove what lies I’ve spouted in desperation. Of course he's going to defend himself. There's no reason at all for him to consider me or my feelings.

I can make a dash for it as soon as the lunch bell rings. I don’t have to stay here. I can even skip the rest of the afternoon, say I’m feeling terrible because that’s the truth. I just want to go home, lie in bed, and never leave the safety of my covers ever again.

My phone buzzes from inside my bag and I just know it’s my notifications going off because of what I said. These things travel at terminal velocity, and I can only hope that what’s news this morning becomes stale by the time the day ends. But I’m not _that_ optimistic. I _know_ what it's like. And knowing what it's like, why didn’t I think this through? I should have just shut up. I didn’t have to give a name, I could have went with my original story that whoever I’m going out with, it’s simply best for our relationship to remain a secret.

I shouldn’t have said it was Sungjin.

As I’m counting down the minutes before I make my stealthy exit, I keep my eyes on him. On his broad back anyway. He’s jittery, too. He keeps twirling his pencil in his fingers and tapping the end of his pencil on his notebook. I catch him check his watch and the wall clock three times in the same minute. If he’s looking to escape, then that’s good for me too.

I force my breathing to slow down, wait until my heart rate steadies.

Math goes by. Then History. Then English. Finally, the lunch bell rings. Sungjin is out the door before anyone can even stand up. While my classmates call out for him, and before Haneul or any one of her cronies catches me, I slip out of the room and hide out in the girls’ bathroom. Once I’ve managed to fully calm down, I go outside and ninja my way through the corridors in search of Sungjin. We need to talk. I need to tell him that I only said he was my boyfriend because I was angry and not because I’ve made up some weird alternate universe fan fiction where he’s totally in love with me because I’m totally in love with him. Because I’m not. I don’t even like him. I’ll start with, “So this really funny thing happened this morning, I’m not sure if you’ve heard.” And then I’ll laugh it off like it’s not a big deal. How hilarious is that!

That’s it. That’s the plan.

I make my way through the fire escape to dodge unwanted attention. My phone is still at it, going off nonstop. I switch off notifications and put it into airplane mode. Whoever invented the internet and social media seriously did not think this through. 

I’m in the middle of the way down toward the second floor when I run into Sammy. Sammy Kim is my only friend. He’s the only left. Like me, he was once part of the Inside until he wasn’t anymore, and so when scandal broke and I was the school pariah, it was Sammy who came to my rescue. Anyway, like me, Sammy's learned to navigate the school via fire escapes and low traffic corridors. The less attention we get, the better for us both.

“Iris, what did you do?” he asked, eyes going wide.

“Why? What have you heard?” I crouch down behind the banister so no one else sees me. Just in case.

He shrugs. One lanky shoulder going up and down. He peers at me from underneath his unruly flop of black hair. He’s really taking this grunge thing to the next level. “You’re not really dating the captain of the baseball team, are you?”

The way he’s looking at me now, it’s the same way people looked at me when I told them what they thought and said happened didn’t really happen. It’s different, but still the same. It stings.

I don’t want to see this face ever again. I don’t want to hear the words that came with it. I don’t want to have to defend myself especially not to the only person I can call a friend. But I can’t tell Sammy that I lied because he believed me when I said I told the truth before. What if he suddenly decides I lied about before too?

Before he can say anything else, I tell him, “That’s why I said I can’t hang out with you over the break.”

“You could have just told me.” But he doesn’t sound happy about it. He makes a face, like even just the idea of it is out of this world. He flops into the step to sit next to me. "You could have said you had a boyfriend or whatever."

“After what happened to me, it’s really best to just keep things secret for a while.” I’m clenching my fists so tight, my nails are digging into my skin. I need to stop and unclench my hands, but I can’t. I move positions so I can sit on my hands instead.

He nods, but it’s not enough. I need him to say that he believes me. Out loud. “How did people find out anyway? They said you were telling everyone, just yelling it out. But you’re really not the type.”

“Of course not! I didn’t go around telling people that!”

Of course, I did go around telling the three people who are most likely to tell everybody. Also it was in the middle of classroom, just as everyone was rushing in before the teacher. Just as Sungjin came in. The zombie apocalypse really couldn't have decided to commence then? Really? It would have been doing me a favour.

“I guess…it’s surprising.”

“It’s surprising that he’d go out with me?” I try not to sound too shrill. I may not be Haneul, and fine, I guess I can be considered plain. And awkward. And shy. The best thing anyone’s come up as an adjective is…

“It’s just that you’re quirky.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sammy shrugs again. “I mean…You’re just not, you know?”

“Actually, I don’t know what you mean. What _do_ you mean?”

“I just mean you’re different from the other girls.”

“That doesn’t even mean anything!” Not like the other girls. That's just the worst thing to say! It's even worse than quirky. And cute.

I drop my head into my hands. I don’t even know what Sungjin is saying about me and what I said. It won’t be long now, when the truth comes out and that’s it. I’m gone. My place in the high school hierarchy is now six feet below the ground.

More than ever I'm convinced that I have to find Sungjin and explain myself. Somehow convince him to play along with it for like five minutes and then we can break up right after. We can even fake break up on the spot. That’s still a better scenario than being revealed as a social-climbing liar. I bolt right up and hurry down the stairs. “I need to go see Sungjin. You know, my boyfriend. Talk later! Bye!”

I skid to a stop on the first floor corridors. I have no idea where anyone is but I hope Sungjin is somewhere between the cafeteria and the stairs up to our classroom on the third floor. Keeping my head down, I slip through the crowd listening for the whispers and the voices. I’ve gotten good at relying on my ears instead of my eyes.

Somewhere in the crowd, I hear a familiar Busan burr and look up. Sungjin is walking down the hall with Brian Kang, the ace batter on the team. Everyone likes Brian. He’s got this sharp feline look about him that’s both scary and sweet and no one knows how that’s even possible. They’re talking to each other when Sungjin looks up, his wide eyes closing in on a target. My instinct is to hide, but then I realize he’s not looking at me. He’s looking a few paces to my side.

I follow his gaze and notice a shy first year walking quietly next to Wonpil Kim. Wonpil a second year also on the baseball team, though I’m not really sure what he does there. If they didn’t come to the restaurant every other month, I won’t even have recognized half the team.

“Hey! Hey, you!” Sungjin yells from across the hall. His big voice bellows across the room, causing heads to turn. “You’re Dowoon Yoon, right?”

The first year freezes on the spot, and Wonpil just looks at Sungjin all exasperated. Sungjin crosses the corridor, seemingly unaware of the way the crowd parts to let him through.

“I’ve been looking for you!” Sungjin says.

Dowoon falls a step back, crashes unintentionally into Wonpil.

“You’re the transferee from Busan?”

Dowoon sidesteps away from Wonpil, head down and folding into himself.

Sungjin doesn’t seem to realize he’s scaring the kid. He’s not even talking to me and I’m terrified. “You were a catcher for your middle school, weren’t you?”

Dowoon doesn’t even nod. He just takes another step back, a moment away from running off into the field. Involuntarily, I fall back another step too.

“I’ve been looking for you. I was wondering—Hey!“ Sungjin takes another step toward him, Dowoon steps to the left, then to the right. It’s a weird dance of attack and evade, until Sungjin pushes forward with his arms and cages Dowoon against the wall. “Dowoon Yoon, do you want to join the baseball team?”

I’m going to faint. I feel faint. Fainting is really a good idea right now. I don't watch to see what happens next. I just run to the nurse’s office. I just barge right in. The nurse just turns to me, tilts his head.

“I feel like I’m going to faint. I think I’m going to throw up. I have really bad cramps can I please go home?”

Nurse Nichkhun gives me kind eyes and a warm smile. I’m sure my watery eyes and short-of-crying voice really sold it. “Can you get home by yourself? Do you want to rest here for a while? I’ll send a note to your class representative. What section are you in?”

I leave my ID on his desk. Now I’m just nodding and trying not to freak out. Or be sick for real, although that will really sell this panic attack that’s slowly becoming a legit panic attack. Nurse Nichkhun lets me into one of the cots and draws the curtains closed to give me some privacy.

I lie back down and curl up and hug my knees. That’s it. My life is over. It’s over. There’s no way I’m going to manage to convince Sungjin to play along. He’ll just end up telling everyone he has no idea what I’ve been blabbering on about and no one will question him because they’ll all be scared of him. And where does that leave me? Back to where all this started. Exactly the place I’ve been trying to escape all this time.

I can’t wait for high school to be over.

After class ends, I thank Nurse Nichkhun and leave. I go back to our empty classroom and retrieve my bag. Out the window, I see that the baseball team hasn’t started practice yet, but they’re all there. Mostly. At least I assume they are.

I take another deep breath and steel my nerves. It’s now or never. I wait for Sungjin by the dugout, ignoring the girls watching from the bleachers. One by one, the team comes out. Each of them offering me a smile, a grin, or a thumbs up. Brian Kang _winks_ at me and my throat goes dry.

Jae Park, another third year, is the next to come out. He yells over his shoulder, into their clubroom. “Yo, Cap, your girl’s here!”

A weird feeling settles into my chest and my stomach. I will not lose concentration. I will not cry. I can do this. _You can do this, Iris._

Sungjin comes out of the room, takes off his cap and rubs the top of his head. I’ve never really looked at him before, but now that he’s standing in front of me it’s hard not to notice how he has the wholesome looks of that handsome boy next door. There’s just something about him everyone likes. He definitely has that Mom’s Ideal Son-in-Law look but not quite. Looking at him some more, I can’t help but get the feeling that there’s something rough about him, like he could be bad for you. Maybe it's the buzz cut. Maybe it's something else.

I swallow hard.

“Hey you lovebirds.” That’s Jimin Park, a second year. “As official team manager this school year, I congratulate you two on behalf of the team but, like, we got to practice. We have a nationals to win. Can you make eyes at each other later?”

Sungjin startles. Sighs.

“We can talk later,” I say. I can’t lose focus now. I can hold on to this false sense of bravery for a while longer, but only until tonight.

Then he steps toward me, hesitates. And then he leans over. Understanding comes to me slowly. So slow, there’s a full conversation in the moment our eyes meet. The expression on his face is mostly determination. But what’s he so determined for?

As for me, I’m in between shocked. I’ve never been this close to a boy before.

Sungjin’s brows furrow, but he’s not changing his mind.

Even though my neck is starting to feel funny from looking up at him, I don’t step back.

His hands come to my shoulders. My heart starts beating fast again.

We kiss.

At first we’re just standing there, lips pressed together. But then I close my eyes and we’re _kissing_. I sincerely hope I’m doing this right because I’ve never kissed anyone before. Also, I really hope everyone’s watching because otherwise what’s the point?

“Okay,” he says when he opens his eyes. “After practice.” Then he sprints off to join the team while I try to walk out of the rabble with as much dignity as possible.

 

 

 

***edited to add: scene inspired by [THIS](https://twitter.com/aytozee_/status/1027050069395234816). Thanks Mandy <3


	3. Chapter 3

I don’t really know what Sungjin meant by After Practice, so I go home. It’s just too much. The kiss. Everybody looking. If I stay, I will for sure have a crowd of people asking me questions and looking at me funny. I already had a bunch of girls eyeing me from across the field and over the bleachers. That’s not the kind of attention I want. I don’t want any of it.

So I’m at the restaurant now, helping out while doing my homework at the far corner table. Dad doesn’t really mind if I don’t hang around here. He says girls shouldn’t smell like curry but I say it washes off after a shower and I like washing my hair because it feels like I’m treating myself out even if it’s just really nice smelling conditioner.

Sungjin smelled nice, too. Oddly enough. High school boys usually smell bad. Like sweat and too much of the wrong cologne and dirt. Sungjin smelled like fresh laundry. Like his uniform had just been washed before he put it on this afternoon. Even if that were the case, I can imagine he’d still smell nice even _after_ practice.

I burrow my face in my hands and try not to think about the kiss.

My first kiss.

And it wasn’t even a real one.

Realistically speaking, it’s not like I’ve been holding it off for fireworks or even something as ridiculous as love or whatever. I know it doesn’t work that way. I’ve seen enough of it from my older sister and from the girls in my class. Also, I read. A lot. I like to think I’m a lot more level-headed but…

I touch my lips and try to recall the feeling of Sungjin’s kiss.

Words fail me.

I slump into the table and try not to scream. I know, so hardcore. Seventeen and never been kissed. Okay, so maybe I haven’t been waiting for, like, fireworks and whatever, but I at least wanted to be kissed by someone I liked. At a place that’s special. And not in my school uniform!

I attempt homework again, but it’s pointless. I try the assigned novel for English, but I’ve been reading the same page for the last twenty minutes and I can’t seem to move on. What did Sungjin mean by After Practice anyway?

“Iris?”

I look up. Sungjin is standing across the table, bags slung over his shoulder. He scratches the back of his ear, eyes pointedly away from me.

“Uhm. Hi.”

Awesome. Perfect. Absolutely nailed it.

He sits down. Rubs the top of his head. “About…about earlier today…”

“Look,” I wave a hand noncommittally. “I don’t actually like you. Like, I don’t really like-like you.” That’s right. Start strong. I read all about this taking control thing.

He nods once.

“I just…you know…what you heard, that’s just…a total misunderstanding.” Because it was, from a certain point of view. “It was, like, a really not very well thought through joke, you know? I was just really trying to piss off Haneul and—and yeah it just came out and like…”

Sungjin leans forward on his forearms resting on the table. His eyes are so clear, deep and brown. Why is it always blue or green or hazel eyes in books? Brown eyes are so wonderful. They remind me of the soft earth in my mother’s garden, the kind that’s good for plants and makes them grow big and strong.

I lose my train of thought.

“Then, this makes this less awkward,” he says.

Is he going to fake break up with me? Because even if this relationship is fake and lasted all of a day, I am not going to be one he breaks up with. _I_ break up with _him_. I have this all planned out. We break up because he said he wanted to keep our thing a secret and I didn’t want to be his secret so now it’s over. The whole thing about him kissing me is him asking for one last chance but as it turns out, we’re over. And then we broke up after school. I open my mouth and raise a finger to make a point.

“I don’t like you either,” he states simply.

My mouth snaps shut. I sit back. Really. The nerve of this guy. Ugh. I lean forward. I’m whispering so no one else hears. “Then why did you kiss me?“

“It’s not because I like you,” he begins. "I don’t like you. I kissed you because everyone was looking and, in the first place, weren’t you the one who said we were…a…a _thing._ I did _you_ a favor, I think. Saying stuff like that all of a sudden.”

“I know what I said. I just said that was a not-funny joke, but you still…did _that_. And what, do you expect me to thank you? For…for that…” Not that I don’t appreciate him not embarrassing me in front of everybody. I do. But that’s not the point. “You didn’t have to do that!”

I’m whisper-screaming at him and one of my dad’s staff looks at our direction. I clear my throat and pretend to open my book and my notebook so it looks like we’re doing homework.

“It’s too late to take it back now,” he says, calmly. I can imagine him using this tone as his Captain Voice. “Wait…Was that your first kiss?”

“No.” Maybe I answer that too quickly, so I shrug it off. “Of course, not. Don’t be silly.”

He just looks at me like he can’t decide if he’s going to believe me or not. My face is probably burning. And he’s being nice to me. He’s going to brush me off now, say he just kissed me because it seemed like a good idea. Or maybe because he felt sorry for me. Boys are the worst. “Your question, why I kissed you.”

Can he not say it like that? With that face? So annoying.

“For the record, I’ll say it again. I don’t like you.”

“I know." Now he's annoyed. His eyebrows are doing this thing. "You made that very clear. As I was saying. When I kissed you earlier today, there was a reason for it.”

I snort. “Right. I’m not going to thank you, you know. If you think what you did was a saving throw so I can save face.”

“Can you just let me finish?”

“Because the only reason I said your name was because _I_ was saving face—“

“Yes, yes, you already said that.”

“So, like, yeah. Whatever. We can just say tomorrow that we broke up. It was a mutual thing because—“

“I want you to be my girlfriend.”

Wait.

What?

“Not for real,” he continues, giving me a ‘ _obviously’_ look. “Just pretend to be my girlfriend for the rest of the year.”

“I don’t like you.”

“And I don’t like you. It’s perfect.”

I laugh nervously. “Yeah, right. That makes total sense.”

“Look, you’re the one who started it. I’m just saying it’s beneficial for me, too.”

“How is this beneficial for you? You’re already at the top of the food chain. I’m the bottom-feeder here. No one’s going to believe you’re dating me anyway. Especially not after what happened.”

He leans back. “I don’t care about that.”

Of course he’s seen the pictures. The videos. “Look, I’m sorry I used your name. It’s just that I was angry at Haneul and her friends and they’re just so annoying. It was petty revenge you know, I just…I didn’t want them to think they’ve made my life terrible.” Even they had. It will go away, I know this in my head. But I'm still living this nightmare now. I don't know if I'll survive until the time comes when I can just laugh this off.

He takes a moment, like he’s thinking about what I just said. “What they did was wrong.”

I look up, surprised. “You don’t think I really did that?”

He scratches his cheek. “We’ve been in the same school since middle school. I come here all the time. I guess I just don’t think you’re the type to throw yourself half-naked onto a guy who’s dating someone else.”

I might cry. I didn’t even know what I was doing until after, when the pictures came out. I might have been drunk or whatever it was those girls did to me. Maybe it was a dare. Maybe it was just Haneul being her manipulative self but I would never have done that had I had my bearings about me. No one really believed me when I said I didn’t know what I was doing. Except for Sammy. And now Sungjin.

“Fine. Let’s say I’ll do it. Hypothetically. I’ll play along. What do you need me for anyway? You could just get a real one, you know. You seem like a really nice dude.”

He shrugs.

“Are you not into girls? Because that’s totally cool, you know. Once we’re out of high school there’s nothing that’s going to stop you from—“

“That’s not it.”

“Oh.”

He straightens up in his seat. “I just don’t like the attention…from…”

“From your screaming hoard of fangirls?” It’s no secret he’s been receiving more letters and gifts and whatever else is done these days. Girls are scary wild. “So that’s what I am to you? A cover girl? Your great wall?”

He gives me a look.

“You know if they stop giving you love letters and gifts and things that just means they’re sending me hate mail and dead rats.”

“Then you should have thought of that before you lied about being my girlfriend,” he says. “It just makes sense, okay? That I’m with someone. I don’t have time for a real one anyway, and I wouldn’t know how…there’s really no one I like right now anyway. I just need to be able to focus on baseball and school and not have to worry about anything else. I just want to be left alone and if they know I’m with you, they will. They’ll leave me alone. It helps you too, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, but…”

Sungjin just shrugs and then returns to his well-assured state of being. “But what?”

“Until the end of the school year is a really long time.”

He laughs. “Until we can’t anymore? We can break up and then we can pretend to be heartbroken and maybe that will make people leave us alone, too.”

I don’t have an argument against it. “You know we’re going to have to really hard-sell this thing, right? Am I even your type?”

“Am I yours?”

Good point. I guess it's a tie.

I sigh. “What do we even say to people?”

“You’re the one with the backstory. Jimin showed me. All the things we did over the break. Jae wouldn’t shut up about it. Museums. Libraries. Bookstores.” He's making fun of me, I know it.

I want to stick my head under the ground. I’ve never really been on a date before and all the places Haneul and her boyfriend go to are places she’s likely to be in as well. I wasn’t about to show up in the spaces she’s already claimed.

“Yeah…I didn’t exactly have you in mind when…”

“It’s fine. I guess the story is I like you that much that even those places are exciting to me.”

I hide my blush with my hand going over to fix my fringe. It's not real, I remind myself. None of this is real. “Whatever. Yeah. Sure. I guess we’re doing this.”

“Okay, then.”

I gulp. My stomach flips violently.

I admit, the idea of revenge this sweet does give me a sense of power. A sense of choice, at least. That I can choose my life after all and not just be someone’s victim. And it’s Sungjin. He’s nice, I guess. It won’t be so bad pretend-dating him.

And he’s scary. Maybe people will leave me alone for that reason alone.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

“Okay." His face lights up. "Then…I’ll see you tomorrow. At school.” He stands up, hesitates, then sits back down again. “I’m sorry I kissed you.”

I wave it away. “No big deal.” Then I make a sound like pfffft. Like it’s just a kiss, you know. I kiss guys all the time.

He nods again, apologetic. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As I watch him leave, it slowly sinks in: I have a boyfriend now. A fake one, but no one else has to know.

I guess that’s it.

With an outward sense of calm, I gather my things and head to the back of the kitchen. Between the banging of pots and pans, and the barking or orders, I put my head inside my school bag and scream.

I can't believe it. I’m dating the captain of the baseball team, Sungjin Park.


	4. Chapter 4

So now it’s like this: As I’m walking to my classroom this fine morning, everyone is staring at me and whispering among themselves. But now it’s for a completely different reason from last year’s scandal. I don’t know if one is better than the other because attention, no matter what sort, is still attention and always, always, opens up the wrong can of worms. It’s just worms. Everywhere.

I catch a few keywords—baseball captain, girlfriend, and the never-disguised _Really?_ of disbelief. This is the part where it gets complicated: having to convince the relevant portion of the student body that someone like Sungjin might like me even after the incident. It’s one thing they believe that I have the capacity to throw myself at a third year who was very much publicly taken. For them to believe that I didn’t do the same to Sungjin? For them to think there’s an actual human being they hurt underneath this skin? That’s the challenge.

I’m the one who can’t break.

So I take the glares in the hallway, the jabs at my social scars, and do as everyone does: pretend to be someone I’m not. And for me, that someone I’m not, is Sungjin’s girlfriend. And even though I’ve never really properly dated anyone before, I know for sure that walking alone after a very public announcement is not the way to go. Unfortunately for me, Sungjin is never early for class. He almost always shows up just before the bell rings leaving any chance at showing off limited to the afternoons. But he has baseball after school, and I’m not going to sit on the bleachers just watching him swing a bat, throw a ball, and yell at his teammates.

We definitely should have thought this through.

As I make my way to our classroom, I make a mental note to talk to him about this later. Also, I should probably get his number or something and make sure our social media reflects these developments as well. That's what people do when they like each other, apparently. When I get to our classroom, it’s business as usual. I half-expect to find my seat vandalised one way or another, but it’s suspiciously clear upon visual inspection. Taking my seat, I realize two things: one, Haneul, Hana, and Byul are not doing their morning updates here; and two, peace now means war breaks out later.

Later is lunchtime, and usually I take my lunch outside the classroom. Somewhere safe. The cafeteria is where Haneul and her friends hang out, and the classroom is always too busy with everyone else. I take mine either outside, next to the soccer field or on the fire escape near the third floor. That’s how I met Sammy.

But today it’s a little different. As I’m grabbing my lunch from inside my bag, I hear someone call out my name. A voice I recognize not because of familiarity, but because it’s a voice you hear and don’t forget. It feels as if the entire room goes silent, and I don’t even need to look to know Haneul has her eyes on me like I’m a little mouse and she’s a lioness. I don’t breathe as I look up.

At the door is Brian Kang and Jae Park. Sungjin is with them too, looking at me like he’s just figured out I have a face. Great. Awesome. That’s a marked improvement, I guess, from just learning he now has a girlfriend.

“Iris!” Brian says again, all smiles. “Aren’t you joining us for lunch?”

Lunch. At the cafeteria. Just like I used to. I don’t even think twice about it and follow them out. The stares that come our way are a mix of shock and envy, and this time I actually look up instead of at my feet. Jae and Brian walk a step ahead, leaving me to walk with Sungjin. They’re talking about the first year they want on their team, but that topic only takes a few more commentary in before Jae turns to me with a lopsided grin.

“You know,” he says, turning halfway toward us. “You could have just told us. I knew there’s a reason why we’re always celebrating at the curry shop. I’m offended we had to find out along with everyone else. Where is the trust, Captain, my Captain?”

“It’s really none of your business,” Sungjin says. This is the first time he speaks since I joined their group. Perfect. My boyfriend isn't even talking to me.

“Of course it’s my business!” Jae falls a step back and wedges himself between me and Sungjin. Then he shoves Sungjin forward so he’s walking with Brian. Jae turns to me with a curious glint in his eyes. “Real talk. I thought you’d be taller.”

I legitimately do not know how to answer that question. “The air up there must be messing with your head.”

“Ha-ha,” Jae says, grinning. Sarcastic, but good-natured. Like we're friends. Always have been. “I’ve never heard that before. It’s really not my fault I had a growth spurt, you know. It’s just in my genes. I’m genetically predisposed to towering over puny mortals.”

“Puny mortals,” I cover up the movie reference with a snort before Jae could comment on it. I know he recognises the way I say it, what with the way his eyes grow behind his glasses. Girls like me are not supposed to know about superheroes other than the fact that they’re hot. Neither should girls like me be referencing a minor, albeit meme-y, line voiced by a villain.

“I like her,” Jae announces,” I approve of this choice.”

Sungjin just shakes his head and Brian laughs.

My attempt at forcing a laugh fails when we make it to the cafeteria. Only the popular and cool kids hang out here, and though all I want is to reclaim the spot I once had, the knowledge that these are the same people who inflicted my emotional wounds makes my throat catch with something thorny and unpleasant.

Everyone is looking at me. Maybe not everyone, but it feels that way. From the corner of my eye, I see Haneul and her court whispering to each other while looking at us, then they laugh.

“What’s for lunch?” Brian asks when we’re seated. He’s across me, next to Jae. I’m stuck next to Sungjin who isn’t even looking at me.

I push forward the lunchbox I prepared. It’s nothing too fancy, just rice, some vegetables, and a few pieces of chicken I cooked in curry sauce. All of it dressed like a bunch of cutesy cartoon animals. Suddenly, I’m not in the mood to eat. “Do you want it?”

Brian’s face lights up, he’s already half-reaching out for it. “Really?”

Sungjin’s large hand lands on the top of the lunchbox with a thwack before he drags it toward him. “Why are you offering him your lunch? I’m right here. You’re supposed to offer it to me first.”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Only because he brought it up do I ask, “Do you want it?”

Sungjin pops off the lid and takes my utensils from my hand, never mind that they’re decorated pink and yellow on the top. “What are you having for lunch?”

“I’m not really hu—“

“That’s not acceptable. Lunch is important. Eating meals is important. How are you going to have energy for the day if you don’t eat?”

“Maybe you should feed her,” Brian teases. He barely dodges Sungjin lunging forward to swipe at him. Laughing, he swivels off the bench and grabs Jae—who’s also busy laughing—and they both make their way to the growing lunch line.

While they’re away, I inch a little closer to Sungjin to talk to him in a whisper. “We should probably eat lunch together from now on.”

“Every day?”

“Well, yeah. That’s what…you know…people who are a… _thing_ …do. We’re supposed to make people believe this, remember? If people think we really don’t _you know_ , that just gives your hoard of fangirls more reason so be more aggressive.”

He tilts his head, confused. “You care a lot about what people think.”

“I’m just saying this was your idea. So you have to do your share of the—” My mouth twists at the word I’m thinking. “Of the couple-y things.”

“Fine.”

“You could at least hold my hand when we walk.”

He actually sneers at the thought.

“Seriously?"

He makes a sound from the back of his throat. Like a grandpa who doesn't want his medicine.

“Or talk to me when we’re in the classroom. At the very least _look_ at me. Don’t you think your teammates, who know you the best, will be the first to notice we’re not really, you know?”

I refrain from saying It out loud just in case someone hears us. I don’t think anyone will, given the cafeteria is always so noisy and the buzz of conversation is always at a level you can’t even hear yourself think. Also, we’re speaking really low and now that I’m thinking about it Sungjin’s really close. He’s so close if someone were to bump into either one of us, the laws of physics predict we’ll land on each other’s lips. I try not to think about that possibility. Really, it's not a good idea to be thinking about things like Sungjin's lips because that would be ludicrous.

Jae and Brian arrive and Sungjin and I jump away from each other, looking guilty. With the way his friends are looking at us, it looks like we we’re going to kiss. In the middle of all these people. Maybe it’s a good idea to let them think that.

But I don’t think about kissing Sungjin.

It’s unlikely anyway.

He’s definitely not going to kiss me again.

Like ever.

Lunch goes over quickly with Sungjin trading his lunch for mine, eating the rest of what I don’t finish while grumbling about how food is necessary for living. After that we walk back to class together. He doesn’t hold my hand, but he does step a little closer that sometimes our shoulders touch, but then he flinches away. It’s both awkward and weird in the sense that I don’t know how I feel about it exactly.

What I do know is this. People know who I am again. Even better. I’m no longer just another one of Haneul’s friends. I’m not just that girl. I’m no longer invisible. But it all feels fuzzy and unreal like I’m barely in control of my character in a video game and the display is all distorted.

Then it all comes into focus when I see Sammy walking alone to his classroom at the far end of the hallway. He’s alone, as usual, detached from the crowd around him. But now he looks even more alone. His shoulders slump forward, heavy and painful to look at. Guilt creeps up on me. 

Students bustle between us, and he’s shoved to the side. That’s when he looks up, through the sea of third years, and across the corridor. His blank eyes focus on seeing. They focus on me. He sees me. Then his gaze flickers to my side, where Sungjin is. A flash of betrayal crosses his face and he looks away.

Then he’s inside his classroom, and I’m walking on auto-pilot into mine. Sungjin and I take our seats. There’s about a minute more or so before the next period begins.

The girl who sits behind me taps me on the shoulder. “So you really are going out with Sungjin?”

I’m too stressed out to answer that, distracted by Sungjin turning in his seat and glancing at me. He takes it back almost immediately, dropping his eyes and facing front. I stare at the back of his head, feeling like there’s something else I should do but I’m not brave enough to do it. Just before I glance away, Sungjin turns to me again. Our eyes collide, and he focuses on me in a way he hasn’t before. In a way no one has before. I turn away first, and I feel him take a few more beats before turning his attention to our teacher who’s just arrived.

Behind me, I hear the girl mutter to her seatmate, “It’s just so weird. I mean, you know Sungjin used to date that girl from St. Mary’s, right? What’s her name? She was so pretty and refined. Really a class of her own. I don’t get it. I mean, look at her.”

I feel myself shrink into Invisible Iris all over again. When class is over, I tell Sungjin I need to get home really quick and can’t wait for him to finish practice. Just to make it believable, I say, loudly so others will hear, that he better call me later. But I’m not really expecting him to do that. If anything, I’m expecting he won’t even remember to do it.

I try not to run all the way home.


	5. Chapter 5

The days go by fairly uneventful, if ultimately unconvincing to the rest of the student population. That’s why on Friday afternoon, two weeks after our announcement, I wait for Sungjin after school. Coach Taecyeon gave them the afternoon off after officially signing up for the inter school competition. This I learn from Brian because he’s a much more useful person than my boyfriend.

I can never get used to saying that word. _Boyfriend_. Although, I really should. But not so much that I’ll miss it when it’s over. Just enough to say it and have people believe it’s real.

“I don’t understand why we have to do this,” Sungjin says as soon as he sees me waiting outside their clubroom. He’s the last one out again. Just like the last time.

“Is that really something you say to your girlfriend?” Brian teases. He’s been standing next to me, leaning against the wall in his best magazine cover pose, keeping me company. So extra. “Try, hey babe, I missed you. Let’s go somewhere nice tonight.”

Sungjin pointedly ignores him, but his expression softens when he turns back to me. “Ready to go?”

“For the record I just got here, like, thirty seconds ago,” I lie.

Brian snorts because we’ve been here for more than thirty seconds. It was enough time for him to mentally drill me. He didn’t ask any questions, but he did give me this smile like he knows something. But that’s impossible. I’m lucky Jae was in a hurry to go to wherever he’s going. That will have been awkward for sure.

Though I’m not sure Jae’s nonstop questions are any worse than standing here with Sungjin with Brian’s knowing eyes on us. Especially now that it’s not just Brian’s. A few heads have turned, the baseball team is curious for sure. When Coach Taecyeon comes out, he gives us an odd twinkle of his eye. This is by far the strangest experience of my life.

Sungjin gestures for me to walk ahead, and I hesitate about reaching out for his hand. Aren’t couples supposed to be unable to keep their hands off each other? Though I’ve never met anyone I like enough to actually do anything with, I’ve seen my older sister and her boyfriend. I’ve read about it in books and seen it in movies. I’ve played only a bajillion otome games. The couples in this school alone are enough evidence if we’re talking real world. It’s normal, isn’t it?

“Where are we going?” Sungjin asks, once we’re out of earshot. We’re still in the school grounds but most of the students have already left, giving us a weird sense of privacy.

“Well, we did agree to go out on a date.” Not a real one. Just an outing so we can take pictures and people can see us together outside school. It doesn’t mean anything.

“You said we should.”

So now he blames it all on me? “We should probably go somewhere everyone else goes to. For maximum exposure. That’s what we want, right?”

Sungjin considers this for a moment, but agrees. “You’re right. It only makes sense you’d want to show me off.”

I shove him and feel no remorse for it.

Sungjin laughs at me and rubs the side of his arm. So annoying. “I already said you’re my girlfriend. Why do we have to keep doing this?”

The way he says girlfriend is so casual one might be convinced even Sungjin believes in it. I shake it off. “You really don’t get it, do you? To see is to believe.”

“I kissed you and everyone saw that. Why is that not enough?”

“Because people kiss other people all the time.”

“Not me,” he says with a stubborn jerk of his chin.

 _Then why did you kiss me?_ I want to ask. But I don’t. The words get stuck in my throat and so does the realisation that I might not want to know the answer to that after all. Not that I would know if people did kiss other people all the time. I mean, I haven’t really experienced it firsthand. Not even secondhand, but whatever. I’m sure it happens. Just maybe not in my little bubble. I wonder how many girls Sungjin has kissed before. Or if there was just the one girl he liked kissing all the time.

Stop it, Iris.

I shake my head to shake the thought away.

We travel in silence all the way to the arcade. The place is set up next to a food court and a bunch of coffee shops all wrapped around a open strip where buskers set up and perform. Immediately, I notice students from our school still in their uniforms as well as students from other schools. Despite myself, I also notice the St. Mary’s uniform and the perfect girls in their perfect green tartan skirts and blazers. A group of three girls are sitting outside enjoying parfaits. These are the ultra rich girls who get chauffeured everywhere and whose parents are on The Richest Lists. From the corner of my eye, I watch to see if Sungjin reacts to any of them, but he keeps his gaze forward and neutral. Almost bored.

I slip my hand through the crook of his arm, and…Sungjin jerks away. As if hit by a jolt of electricity.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asks, rubbing his elbow.

“I didn’t do anything!” I hiss. I look around to see if anyone’s noticed. Good, it seems no one’s paying attention yet. I pull him by the straps of his bag to an alleyway between two buildings where no one can see us. “What is wrong with you?”

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asks again. His brows pull into a frown too, so now he’s frowning at me twice as much. Why is he so grumpy?

I discreetly point at a couple passing by us. “Couples hold hands. That’s just what they do. If we walk into there and you look bored, no one’s going to believe us.” And they’ll end up feeling sorry for me. And the girls after Sungjin will just see me as another target, and I’ve already had my lifetime’s quota of being someone’s sandbag.

Sungjin leans against one of the corner walls and peeks into the busy street. A guy, about college age, steps out into the alley from the back entrance of the restaurant he works in and gives us a weird look. I just shrug and hope he doesn’t make us leave or something. He doesn’t, but he does look at me funny. Then he looks at Sungjin and chuckles softly to himself. He pulls his hoodie up his head and squeezes between us to leave. He smells like coffee, warm and both foreign but familiar.

What does it say about me that I also noticed he’s cute? I mean…his face was right there to look at.

“Fine,” Sungjin grunts.

“Huh?”

“I said fine,” Sungjin reiterates, holding out his hand for me to take.

A bitter taste spreads through my mouth. “I’m not going to hold your hand if you don’t want me to. That’s just weird. And you’re gonna have this look on your face.” Like he’s totally disgusted by the idea of my sweaty palms. I’m sure his palms are gross too. Probably rough and calloused from all that baseball.

“It was your idea,” he shoots back, annoyed.

“Actually, it was yours,” I say as snottily as I can. I do a quick scan of him. His backpack is hanging down his back with the strap buckles dangling down his side. Just like mine. “I have a better idea.”

His face does that thing: his eyebrows go way up and his lips pull into this weird shape. Sungjin is so weird, I swear. Ignoring the face he makes, I side up against him, leaving enough space so he doesn’t freak out, and buckle ourselves together. It’s enough space so we can walk comfortably but also, in a way, a claim of ownership. That’s what the handholding is all about, isn’t it? Announcing to the world that two people are together.

“How’s that?” I ask.

Sungjin tugs at the straps and I stumble toward him a little. “Don’t fall,” he says. For a split second, his voice falters and his eyes shake, but I can’t be too sure because the expression on his face is gone before I can look hard enough to see if it’s really Sungjin there. I blink at him. And he blinks at me. We’re still a good few inches away from each other, but we’re already too close that if I raise myself on my tiptoes and he leans forward just a little bit, our lips will meet. But that’s weird. 

“Don’t make me,” I croak.

Then he steps back out into the street and I scramble after him, yes, trying not to fall.

I mentally pat myself on the back for ingenuity. I’m sure we look weird, but no one’s going to think we’re not together. I mean, who would want to be literally attached to someone like this, right? Right.

So we head into the busyness of the street like this, getting weird looks and everything, but Sungjin doesn’t seem to mind. I think he’s just happy to have found an alternative to hand-holding. I might ask him if I don’t think he’ll go off on me about asking weird questions.

I see an empty first-person shooter game and head over there before someone else claims the spot, but I get all but two steps away before I’m being pulled back and slamming into Sungjin.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asks, holding in a laugh.

I didn’t fall yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I do. “You know if I fall I’m bringing you down with me.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” he chuckles. “You fall, I fall. Let’s go over there first.”

Over there is the claw machine with an assortment of stuffed animals waiting to be won over. “You know these things are rigged, right?” I say to him.

“Shut up,” he answers, “You girls like this stuff, right?”

“ _You girls_? What is _that_ supposed to mean?” Does he really think all girls are the same? That just because one girl like the one thing, all others will too? Why is he such a boy?

He swipes his card into the machine and the claw whirs to life. “Aren’t you supposed to like it when we win stuff for you?”

“I can win stuff for myself, you know.” Besides, he’s totally missing the point if that’s what he thinks this is about.

But it’s not a bad effort because we have some classmates stopping over to watch, and at one point I see Hana walking by with her other friends and I’m sure this is news that will reach Haneul soon enough wherever she is. I make sure to take pictures with my phone for evidence. I’m still deciding if I want myself in the frame or if it’s all just Sungjin. Instead, I just take a video of him.

Sungjin, though, is bad at this game. And by bad, I mean he’s at attempt number three and the closest he’s gotten to winning is grabbing on to this pink bear before losing his grip. I wish he asked me first what I wanted, like that orange crab, before going all gung-ho at it. I guess the effort is appreciated?

He looks up just as the sky blue unicorn falls away from the claw. “This used to be easier.”

“I’m sure,” I laugh.

“It really was. I think this machine’s broken.”

I laugh again, harder this time though I try not to be so amused. “Yeah, that’s totally it. It’s the machine’s fault, not yours. You? Bad at this game? Never!”

“What are you trying to say?” He leans toward me, on the verge of a laugh. “I’m serious, this thing’s broken. Or maybe you’re cursed. It won’t let me get you something.”

I have a few more credits in my card and a few points I haven’t claimed yet. Maybe I can get him something instead. “Hey, do you want—“

“Sungjin?”

We both look up at the sweet voice rising above the music and the chatter. The voice is owned by a girl in a St. Mary’s uniform. Her backpack is white leather with no plastic buckles, and her long straight hair is neatly held back by a hairband. Of course, she’s pretty. So pretty one has to wonder what she’s doing in a place like this. This is where the plebes hang out in.

Sungjin freezes in place, crouched over the joysticks. The flashing lights dance on his hard face and it feels like an eternity before he looks up at her. He doesn’t say anything, just nods to acknowledge her.

“So weird seeing you here,” she says with a soft smile. “It’s good to see you. I heard you guys are going against South District? Good luck. I might watch the game, so maybe I’ll see you there?”

That’s as much as she says before the rest of her group of friends drag her away, none of them even look at Sungjin. Like he’s not even there. Like this girl wasn’t just talking to him like they knew each other in a close personal way.

Well, that’s just what he deserves. I’m not the only one invisible now. “You know someone from St. Mary?”

“Used to,” he says, moving away from the machine. He starts walking off and I get dragged with him.

“How do you know someone from St. Mary’s?”

“None of your business. What else do you want to do?”

I bite the inside of my cheek. “Actually, I just want to go home now.”

“Fine. Where do you live?”

We make it outside, a few streets away from the subway. “I can get home by myself.”

I keep forgetting we’re attached and I stumble backwards just as I’m about to storm off. Sungjin catches me in between his hands. Then he slowly reaches between us and just as I think he’s about to untether me from him, he adjusts the straps so now I can’t get that far away.

“Let me walk you home.”

I scoff. “I guess it’s the least you could do.”

I don’t like the feeling brewing inside me. It feels like thunder and lightning. Like something that can either be beautiful or dangerous, but I won’t know until it strikes. Sungjin and I walk in silence, both of us too tired to be anxious or worried about anything else. I still don’t know if this is a good idea, and I can’t help but feel like all this will backfire in the worst way possible, but when we reach my doorstep and Sungjin unbuckles our straps it’s the strangest thing.

“See you on Monday,” he says.

“Okay,” I answer, barely finding my voice. “See you on Monday.”


	6. Chapter 6

I’ve never been to a baseball game before because Haneul has no interest in the sport because Matthew Kim isn’t in it, not even as a member of the audience. Matthew’s here now, though. And for some reason it feels like half the school is here for the first practice game before the official season begins. And only because we get extra points if we show up. That being said, my former friends have decided to grace us mere mortals with their presence, looking like they’re such blessings on their side of the bleachers. So annoying. I’m sitting somewhere in the middle of the stands with some of Brian and Jae’s friends from the other classes.

I still don’t understand what’s going on. All I know is there’s a pitcher, there’s a batter, and a bunch of boys running around the diamond touching bases. It’s a terribly long game, and I’m getting cold as it nears sunset. But given that I’m the captain’s girlfriend, I’m supposed to be supportive and cheering on the team but I don’t know how much more I can pretend to not be bored to death. I messaged Sammy, like, five times but he hasn’t answered.

Sungjin stays in the dugout for most of the game doing that thing with his eyes that has the team half-scared to death. They’re probably more afraid of him than they are of their coach. Not that I can imagine Coach Taec as scary. He’s just like a big kid, really. But with muscles. One might even be so inclined to say it’s Sungjin who’s the real head of the team.

Every once in a while, I check on Haneul. When she’s not talking and laughing with her friends, she’s on her phone. I want to see if I catch her making eyes at Matthew, but between the crowd, Jihyo and Jeongyeon spouting game stats at me, and wondering if Sammy is mad at me, I get nothing. Once, though, I catch her looking in my direction but I’m not too sure if it’s me she’s looking at. That gives me some sense of satisfaction. It may be nothing, but it can also be something. I keep my eyes open anyway, just in case I see something out of the ordinary. Like, for example, something or someone that doesn’t quite belong to our school or the competition’s. Just in case. 

When the game ends, I have to physically restrain myself from leaving as soon as I can. At least Jihyo and Jeongyeon keep me company for a bit. It’s awkward because I’m awkward and I don’t know what we’re supposed to talk about now that the game is over, but at least I don’t look silly waiting out here alone. A few girls are scattered waiting, too. Fans, I guess? How many of them are Sungjin’s, I wonder.

“How’d he ask you out?” Jihyo asks all of a sudden.

For a split-second, I’m filled with panic. This is the part where one of them will insinuate he didn’t actually ask me out, that I probably threw myself at him too. Then that’s it. All this work for nothing. “Huh?”

“Sungjin,” Jihyo says, “how’d he ask you out?”

We did not talk about this. Why am I not prepared for this? “He, uh, said _I want you to be my girlfriend_.” Which is the truth. Nothing but the sad truth. I hope Sungjin doesn’t come up with something else more complicated because this feels like a test and we are so going to fail.

“Seriously?” Jihyo searches my face for a sign of anything. “That’s it?”

I shrug. “He came to the curry shop all of a sudden. That’s it.”

Jeongyeon is laughing so hard I’m afraid she might hurt herself. “Yeah, that’s so totally his style. I can’t believe you said yes. To that.”

“Did he do anything else?” Jihyo asks, and I shake my head. “That’s probably the most unromantic confession I’ve ever heard,” she adds.

“It really is.” But not in the way they’re thinking. This is it, I think. They’re going to start drilling me and I’m going to crack. I know they’ve been friends since first year. They know Sungjin well. Maybe they even know about the girl from St. Mary’s.

“At least he asked her out,” Jeongyeon says, “Remember we thought he’d never ask anyone out, and turns out he’s just been keeping it secret.”

Curiosity flares inside me. “Keeping what secret?”

Jihyo smiles like she’s about to reveal something she's not supposed to. “We knew he liked someone, but he never told us who. We knew he was going out somewhere, but we could never catch him. Turns out it was you all along.”

Except it wasn’t me. It was never me. “Oh. Yeah. We, uh—“

“Hey, no it’s cool,” Jeongyeon cuts in, “That’s totally your business. We’re just concerned friends ‘cause he was having a hard time. He never told us but it was obvious because he was being extra hard on the team, you know? But that got them into shape, so all’s well? So yeah. All good now.”

“All good now,” I say, ignoring the the lump in my stomach.

The team comes out soon enough with Jimin and Jae leading the fray. Coach Taec leaves them final instructions before heading out. Sungjin is the last to come out, and it takes a moment before he realises I’m even there at all. How nice of him to look all surprised to see me. Like he doesn’t expect his own girlfriend to wait for him after a game. I hold back a scoff.

“Congratulations,” I say to him. “You guys won? I’m not really sure how that happened.”

He just rolls his eyes and scowls at me.

I scowl back. “What now?”

He lifts the buckle on his backpack. Oh. _Oh_. I didn’t come with a backpack. I didn’t even bring anything else but my phone and my wallet, and those fit just fine in my coat pocket.

“Hey, lovebirds!” Brian yells, already a few paces ahead. “Let’s go! I’m hungry! I’m starving!”

With a sigh, Sungjin offers me his hand. I don’t want to make it weirder than it already is, but also if there’s a more important time for us to both perform it’s now. In front of the people who probably know him the better than the rest. So I just gently slap his hand away and smile at him. His friends will know him best, and I don't want them to think I'm forcing him to do things he doesn't want to.

“You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to,” I tell him. “Don’t be weird.”

Sungjin looks relieved, of all things. A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips and I feel accomplished for some reason. It’s a light buoyant feeling, like nothing I’ve felt before.

A giggle bursts next to us, and it’s Wonpil grinning at us. And because Wonpil is not exactly subtle, the whole team turns to look at us too. Sungjin is giving them the scary eyes even before someone thinks about teasing, and the whole team shuts up and continue on their way.

I’ll say it just the one time: my fake boyfriend is super cool.

Because it’s tradition, the team celebrates at the curry shop. They’ve been doing this since Sungjin became interim team captain last year after the former captain got kicked out of school because of his grades and bad behavior. About once every two months they’d show up here as a team. Sungjin comes a little more often, but I didn’t think anything of it until Ayeon mentions it.

“I can’t believe all this time he’s been leading up to asking you out,” she says, wistfully. “That’s both cute but also sad because I can’t believe it took this long. I think I might have been a little impatient but also I don’t know.”

Jimin snorts. “Yeah, right. You? You wouldn’t know what to do either!”

I doubt Sungjin comes here because of me. He just really, really likes curry. We barely even talk unless he’s asking for more rice or water. It’s come to the point where I actively avoided him here because it’s just weird.

When we get to the shop I tell Jimin to just do what they usually do and push as many tables as they need together to accommodate all of them. I slip into the kitchen to say hi to my dad and then into the adjoining office to leave my coat. By the time I come back outside, the team has already settled in and are ready to order. Except for Sungjin, who is standing at the end.

“Sit,” I tell him. “What are you doing?”

He rubs the back of his head. “What are _you_ doing?”

“Taking your orders?” I wave awkwardly at Brian who is looking at little too enthusiastically at us. “I work here, you know. I‘ve done this before. For the team, too. This has happened before. It's not the first time.”

Ever since my Incident I’ve been hit with some foul rage that has me not caring about what people think. Or maybe it’s the opposite? Because I was already having such a terrible time being the talk of the school, I took it a few steps up to eleven and started doing the things I would have been embarrassed to do before the incident. A license not to give a damn. Like be this open about the curry shop. Don’t get me wrong, my dad’s curry is the best ever, but I didn’t exactly make a habit of bringing Haneul and the others here because in a way I was ashamed. My former friends’ parents were all in business or were surgeons or lawyers. Sure, the shop always made it to the big lists when it came to checking out the city, but to me it always felt like the wrong kind of famous. Until infamy hit me and now I’m actually proud of it.

“Should I help?” Sungjin asks. The roughness in his voice is nowhere to be found.

“Why? No.” I pull out a chair. “Sit.”

I push him down, much to the cheering and teasing of the team. Sungjin shushes them with a glare but it only does so much. Really, he needs to calm down sometimes. I take everyone’s orders and bring them to the kitchen.

It’s impossible not to hear the team’s teasing and Dad gives me a weird look. I shrug as if to say “I don’t know, Dad. I guess a boy likes me?” I expect him to make some snide comment, but my father has the audacity to look impressed, as if to say “Good catch.” Ugh. Why can’t my dad be like other dads who won’t let their daughters date until they’re forty?

“It’s the team captain, right? Which one is he?” Dad asks while we’re assembling the orders.

“Don’t be weird.” This isn’t supposed be part of the plan. We’re not supposed to be lying to our parents about this.

“Either the team captain or the ace pitcher. That’s the standard we’re setting here,” he adds, and I’m not sure if he’s joking.

The ace pitcher is Jae, and I cringe. “It’s the captain. He’s…” I turn toward the plexiglass that gives the restaurant a peek into the kitchen. “The one with the shaved head.”

“Huh.”

"Please don’t be weird.”

“Should we be having The Talk?”

“Dad, no. Stop it. We’re in the kitchen.”

I hear some of the staff laughing behind us. This is the worst part of the family restaurant business. Everyone’s been working here for what feels like forever, I’ve known these people since I was in elementary school. Some of them for longer than that.

“If I were dating that boy,” says Ms. Kim, one of our longest chefs, “I wouldn’t be here in the kitchen. I’d be out there. Making sure everyone knows who I am.”

Mr. Jeong shakes his head at her. “This girl is doing that exactly, performing like a good future wife.”

“What dynasty are you in?” snaps Ms. Kim. Then she goes on a long tirade on how one should keep up with the times and the ever-changing landscape of society.

“I’m out of here,” I announce, picking up a tray and delivering it to the table. My dad just laughs in that thoroughly amused way. I am so definitely getting some version of a talk when he gets home tonight. Maybe I can pretend to be asleep so he delays it to tomorrow morning.

I give Sungjin his food first, then Brian, then on to the rest of the table. Sungjin is just staring uncomfortably at me the entire time. Obviously, he didn’t think this through and neither did I. 

“Did we win today?” My dad says, appearing from behind me and putting a plate of food on the empty spot next to Sungjin. I recognize it immediately because it’s not on the official menu. It’s for me.

“Yeah!” Jimin says, “It was a practice game but it’s good for morale, right Cap?”

Sungjin just nods.

“You kids eat well, okay? Congratulations.” Then my dad goes off to greet some of the fancy business men who just came in.

I drop into my seat and join them for dinner. It’s easy enough fielding questions from the team, Sungjin has that under control for the most part. Besides, we’re not the only topic for the night so that’s a relief. When Jimin shifts into manager mode, she starts highlighting their schedule for the rest of the year and the intensive summer training they’re preparing for. For half the team, this is their last year playing. The implications hit me only after Jimin puts the spotlight on it.

After we’re done eating, and after Jimin pays with the money Coach left them, the group breaks off into who’s too tired to do anything else, who has other plans for the night, and who needs to get home before their parents call out a search party. While they’re deciding that, I get up to clear the table.

“Should I help?” Sungjin asks. Again.

“You don’t need to do that,” I laugh. “You can go if you want to. You don’t have to help. Or stay behind.”

Table duty is taken off my hands by the part-timers who work here. At least for now while the group is saying their goodbyes. I end up exchanging numbers and other information with the girls, and also with Wonpil, before I walk them out the door. There’s another rush of see-you-laters, and then it’s just me and Sungjin left at the table.

It’s a lot of things all at once as we’re standing there. Sungjin and I start at the same time.

“About today—“

“So I think—“

I end up choking on a nervous giggle and Sungjin rubs the top of his head. That’s when my dad decides to drop in uninvited.

“So, you two, any plans for the rest of the night?” Dad is not an intimidating figure. He’s a tall skinny man with muscles in weird places because those are muscles that are needed to cook and carry things, but other than that he looks just like a dad. Who has my dark pink coat draped over one arm.

Then Sungjin straightens up and introduces himself. “My name is Sungjin Park. Good evening, sir.” Again, the roughness in Sungjin’s voice is replaced with a softness dictated by respect. He’s not the team captain now. He’s just a boy. Scared of my dad. Fun.

“What are you good evening sir-ing him for?” I say. “He knows who you are. You’re here all the time.”

Sungjin sends me a underhanded glare and I stick my tongue out at him.

Then as if he just remembered he’s being asked another question, Sungjin turns to my dad. “I was just on my way home sir. Thank you for the food. It was delicious.”

Dad shoves my coat into my arms. “Walk this one home?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Now go away. You’re standing here all weird on a busy night. Congratulations again!” Then my dad disappears off into the kitchen as a new wave of customers come in, this time some tourists. It’s never a dull day.

There’s a long-ish silence between us. It’s agonizing, each millisecond ticking by loudly as neither of us say anything as we walk out of the restaurant and into the street. There’s so much I want to say but I don’t know where to begin.

“That was weird,” he finally says.

I shove my hands into my coat pockets. “Sorry, my dad’s weird. Don’t mind him.” I feel like weird is the word of the day, what with the number of times it's come up.

“I forgot about your dad.”

“I wish I had that privilege,” I joke. But I forgot about the part where we have to pretend in front of everyone, too. Including the restaurant. “I didn’t think this through either. But don’t worry about my dad. Worry about the team.”

He sighs loudly.

“We really need to plan this out better. Earlier today your friends were asking me about how you asked me out and stuff.”

“What did you say?”

I shrug. “The truth. You came to the restaurant and said—“ I clear my throat to mimic his voice— “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

He laughs. “That…I don’t sound like that.”

“What am I supposed to say when people ask more questions? We need to have consistent answers to these things. And today with the whole team, am I supposed to go to every game? I should, right?”

Sungjin takes another deep breath. “That would be nice. What should I do for you?”

I snort. “What did you do for your last girlfriend?” He doesn’t answer immediately and I sneak a glance at him. I wonder if I can ask him about the girl from St. Mary’s but I’m afraid he’ll just shut me out. He's already looking like he wants the conversation to be over.

“We could go to the place you like going,” he begins, “Ayeon keeps asking me about it. The one you’re always posting pictures of. With the flowers.”

I make a mental inventory of my social feed. “Oh, the peony garden?”

“Garden? I guess?”

As much as I’m enjoying seeing him squirm, it’s also making me feel bad. “We can go tomorrow?”

He nods.

“I mean, not for me. But, like, so we can plan out this thing. Like, a real plan. So we know what we’re doing. Because tonight was terrible.”

“It was. It was really bad.”

“Only a bunch of old people and some tourists go there,” I add. “So we don’t have to worry about anything. We could just go and treat it like a business meeting.”

Sungjin seems to like the idea and we agree on a time and place to meet up. The walk home is awkwardly quiet again. I wish it wasn’t so quiet.

That night I lay in bed thinking about the day like I’m watching myself in a movie and I can’t do anything as I keep digging myself into a deeper hole. On one hand, it was nice to be able to hang out with people and be treated like normal. On the other hand, this is all because of Sungjin. It’s scary but also fun. It’s like I have another foot though the door again and I can show everyone who made fun of me that they’re wrong about me.

Just before I fall asleep, my phone beeps with a message. It’s from Sungjin.

“See you tomorrow.”

I don’t know what to do so I just shove my phone under my pillow and close my eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

I expect Sungjin to be late, or at the very least exactly on time, so I brought a book while waiting for him at the bus stop. For the record, I’m not here early because I’m excited or anxious to meet him. I’m here early because I need to prepare myself for spending a couple of hours with him. Also I’m avoiding my dad and his misguided paternal concerns regarding my alleged boyfriend. I remember my older sister having this talk with my parents before and she came out scarred for life. I want to at least prolong my innocence until I’m in an honest-to-goodness relationship with a boy I like.

I’ve just about cracked open my book when a shadow falls over the pages. I look up and see Sungjin in a black hoodie and a dark green baseball cap. I’ve seen him in regular clothes before, but somehow this feels different. More deliberate, but how? “You’re here,” I blurt out, regretting it immediately. Of course he’s here. We had an agreement and everything.

“I’m not late,” he says defensively. “Am I?”

“No.” I stand up and dust off the imaginary dirt from my dark green jeans. I’m a little salty we’re unintentionally matchy-matchy. At least my knit sweater is a deep burgundy color. It won’t do to look like we’re out on a real date. I adjust my backpack straps and haul my large-is tote bag over my shoulder. “Why are you never this early for class?”

He shrugs. “Morning.”

That explains it. Sungjin and I don’t talk much over the fifteen minutes we’re on the bus, but that’s fine. We enjoy companionable silence while both plugged into our respective earphones. As we’re walking to the garden, though, I can feel it. Sungjin is getting restless.

“What’s all that you’re carrying?”

“Lunch.”

Sungjin is taken aback, like he can’t fathom how that is. “You made lunch?”

“There’s nowhere to get food in the garden, unless it’s at the in-house stalls and the food there is so expensive it’s robbery.” It’s not a date. It’s just being frugal. I’m practical like that.

“Shouldn’t I be carrying that for you?” The bag _is_ heavy and he offered, so I hand it over. He shuffles uncomfortably next to me. “I didn’t get you anything.”

“Dude, relax,” I tell him. “It’s just lunch. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

He lets it pass and we continue walking down the winding path. This area is technically the park area with a museum and a large square with a clamshell for the seniors orchestra, and a path for joggers and bikers. On Saturdays it’s not as busy as it can get so other than the elderly couple ahead of us and a few tourists on the other side of the street we’re alone.

I show the gate security my student ID and Sungjin does the same, and then we’re inside. It’s barely spring so the flowers haven’t bloomed yet at the garden is practically empty. Sungjin and I find a spot under the shade of a large tree, and he lays down the blanket and sets the bag in the middle.

“Are you hungry?” I ask. It’s not yet lunch time, but aren’t boys always hungry anyway I He stutters a response and I take it as a yes. “I made some sandwiches but I also have a box of rice balls and some chicken nuggets.”

Sungjin takes the bag and looks inside. “You prepared all this?”

I shrug even if he’s not looking. I try not to notice how impressed he looks either. It’s just food. It wasn’t even that hard to prepare. “Don’t get used to it,” I snap, “Also this is also for me, so don’t eat it all.”

I woke up feeling weird so I had to do something with all that extra energy. And since I was making food anyway, I decided to make some extra because we had extras in the refrigerator. There is nothing special about this at all.

I feel nervous for some reason. But what am I so nervous for? It’s just Sungjin. Maybe it’s just because I’ve never really been alone with a boy before. There’s Sammy, but he hardly counts, and it’s always at school or the mall or the old-timey arcade and it doesn’t feel like _this_. Like my insides are all squirming. Maybe I ate something bad last night. That’s probably it.

He holds up a sandwich. “What’s inside this?”

“Chicken katsu,” I answer, “and cheese.” Dad likes to smuggle some home from the restaurant. “One of them has a scrambled egg in it.”

He nods and digs in. I pull out a tumbler of water and a soda and leave both next to him. “I think it’s best if we just tell people some version of the truth, right? Makes it easier to remember. You came to restaurant and then you asked me out and then, even if I was unsure at first, I said yes anyway.”

“ _You_ were unsure?”

I ignore that. “And if anyone asks about the thing last year—“

“I tell them they should grow up and leave you alone?”

I was going for something more along the lines of gently changing topic, but that’s caught me off guard I just stare at Sungjin happily eating his sandwich. “That…that works.” It hasn’t happened yet, but I could get used to someone looking out for me like this. Even if it isn’t real.

“They’ve probably all forgotten about that anyway,” he adds.

But I don’t think I’ll ever forget about it. “I’ll say you were just trying to cheer me up, and somehow I started to grow…feelings.”

“Why can’t it be you who liked me first? I’m always at the restaurant and you worked there and sometimes we’d talk and you’d give me extra food because you like me. And then after that I asked you out?”

“You asked me out because I gave you food?” I should really rethink this whole feeding Sungjin strategy. Maybe I should take back that sandwich.

“I asked you out because you looked sad?”

“That makes me look pathetic. No.”

He rolls his eyes. “What about we liked each other at the same time all along?”

“Is that why you’re always at the curry shop?”

He seems to have realized where this line of argument is going and makes a face. Seriously, I want to hit his face with an armful of underbrush. “Fine,” he huffs. “Let’s just say we both liked each other for a while now but really didn’t do anything about it, and then at some point we both noticed and so I asked you out. What happened to you at school has nothing to do with it. And if anybody brings it up, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll punch them in the face. Or get Jimin to do it.”

I hide my smile behind my hair. “Fine. That sounds…that sounds okay.”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“What?”

“I’m supposed to know this kind of stuff, right?”

Suddenly embarrassed, I look away. “It’s…it’s pink.” I hear him make judgey sounds. “Shut up. I like pink okay? And orange. You know what, let’s just call this off—“

“I just asked you your favorite color!” he laughs. “What are you being all flustered for?”

A part of me thinks I’m probably too old to even have a favorite color, but I’ve always thought I can get to decide that after I graduate high school. Because I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.

“So is this what you do on weekends?” he asks after we’ve calmed down.

I’m still so flustered. Also I feel like he's making fun of me. “Uhm. Not all weekends. I only go, like, when I want to have some time to myself. And when it’s spring and all the flowers are blooming.”

“So what else do you usually do?”

I stay at home and play video games and put them on my channel. That sounds so corny and uninteresting. “I go out.”

He lifts a brow. “Okay. Like museums and things?”

“Can you just let that go?” I swat his arm. “I thought it was romantic, okay? You don’t have to keep making fun of it.”

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry. I won’t. Will you come to our weekend practices if I asked?”

I pretend to consider this for a moment. “If it’s really early and you just want me to bring food, then no.”

He pouts. Full on pouts at me like a baby.

“You have girls bringing you snacks and gifts all the time!”

“I can’t eat that food because they’ll keep doing it. And if I choose, they’ll end up thinking I’m favouring someone over the other. I’ve been giving them all to Dowoon, so it’s fine.”

I stifle a snort. “Fine. I’ll show up for practice sometimes. But I’m not making you food!” Had I known food was his weakness I’d have avoided all this effort in the first place. “Did it help, though? Did your fangirls back down a bit?”

“A little bit,” he grumbles.

“Maybe I’ll show up to practice like we’re going out on a date after. How does that sound?”

He grumbles some more. Whatever happened to the scary captain of the baseball team? “I guess that works.”

“You _guess_ that works?”

I shake my head and think back to when Sungjin was dating someone else…and can’t think of one time. He must have gone out with someone at some point, but I can’t think of anyone? Maybe they went out on group dates. Ones I was never invited to, partly because Sungjin and Haneul ran different crowds. When Haneul went out on group dates, I was usually paired up with the other spare it was hardly a date at all.

“What are you doing after this?” he asks, starting on his second sandwich.

I didn’t think that through yet. “Go home? Or help at the restaurant, maybe.” Though my dad will probably just kick me out again.

“Your dad makes you help out a lot?”

“No. I just…” I just don’t have much to do now that Haneul isn’t taking up all my time. “I…I don’t know.”

Sungjin just nods and eats some more. It’s satisfying watching him eat, but it’s probably creepy if I keep doing that so I take bites of the nuggets and wash them down with some iced peach tea.

“Do you have to be somewhere later?” I ask, my hold on my tumbler slackening a little. It’s not like we agreed to spend the whole day together. If there’s nothing else we need to talk about, he can leave after he finishes eating. Is he really that bored already?

Sungjin shakes his head. “Not really.”

It doesn’t sound like not really, but whatever. “I don’t think there’s anything else we need to talk about anyway so whatever. I think we’ve covered out back story and we agreed on a working schedule. Unless there’s anything else you need me to do for you? If not, then after you’re eating, you can go.”

“ _I_ can go? What are you doing?”

I pull out my book as snottily as I can. “I’m busy.”

He looks confused. “Is there anything else _you_ want me to do for you?”

I shrug, make it look casual and dismissive. “Well, all you have to do is look at me like you really like me and can’t see anything else, extra especially when you know who is around. We can schedule something around where they’re hanging out at, but nothing urgent. I’ll message you.”

For the next fifteen minutes, we just sit there and eat. Sungjin keeps looking at me like he wants to say something, but I keep pretending to read my book. Not that I even knew what was going on in the story anymore. I can’t think when Sungjin is being annoying. Why does no one tell you how annoying it is when you’re out with someone? I can’t wait for this agreement to be over.

“Oh, one more thing,” I tell him as we’re finishing up. “Maybe we should just pretend until the semester is over? I think that would be enough.”

He just grunts.

“And I know we didn’t talk about it, not really, but the not-holding hands thing, maybe we shouldn’t hold hands after all.” Because I’d like to hold hands with someone I really like. Someone who enjoys hand-holding. I don’t know if I do yet, but it’s always an option.

“Whatever.”

“And definitely no PDA, that’s gross.”

Sungjin just keeps collecting trash and putting them in the bag I brought.

“So definitely no more kissing.”

“That was one time,” he mutters, “And I already said sorry for that.”

I stand up and step away from the blanket. “I’m just saying.”

“I heard. No kissing. I promise.” He sets the bags aside and starts folding the blanket.

“Good. Okay, glad to have that laid out clear.”

Sungjin finishes packing up and carries the bag even without being asked. We start walking back to the bus station. It’s really still early, not even three in the afternoon yet. We can still go see a movie if we want to, go hang out at a coffee shop, or even play some games at the arcade. There’s so much more we can do. If only we enjoyed spending time together. Which we don’t, obviously.

I’m so angry, my face is burning. It’s getting really warmer now too, and it’s the weather playing games on us. I can’t wait until the semester is over.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I sneak a peek at it. Sammy’s face greets me and it hits me. “That’s right,” I say, suddenly stopping in the middle of the street to my bus stop. “Wait.”

“What is it?”

Sungjin is so frowny, it’s almost funny. I snap a picture of him. I take a couple, actually. One of the is bound to look half-way decent. “I’m supposed to have at least a few pictures of your face.”

Sungjin retaliates and brings out his phone, but I’m running off before he can take a proper shot. We’re both running to the bus stop now, bypassing are elderly and random tourists, and couples. Even on the bus we’re still trying to take pictures of each other in the most unflattering angles. Only Sungjin doesn’t have any, it’s so annoying.

“If anyone sees those pictures, you’re so dead,” I warn him.

He laughs, the kind that crinkles his eyes. I don’t think I’ve seen him laugh like this in school. At least not much. Not when he isn’t with Jae or Brian. There’s that weird lump again in my stomach.

“I mean it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He nudges me with his arm. “These are for my eyes only.”

“Let’s take one good one. For…I don’t know…proof.”

Sungjin leans in as I angle my phone in front of us. “Can you look at me like I’m pretty? Or I don’t know, look at me like I’m your favorite thing in this world, whatever that is. A baseball? I don’t know. Whatever.”

Sungjin rolls his eyes but does as he’s told. He leans closer, short of putting his arm around me, and turns ever so slightly toward me. The he _looks_ at me. At first I think he’s just trying not to laugh or scowl at me, but his expression shifts to something that isn’t quite fondness. I take three shots before my hands shake too much. I don’t even look at the pictures. I just put my phone back into my pocket and pretend nothing happened.

Sungjin walks me all the way back home even if I didn’t ask him to, and even if he didn’t have to. He talks about something that happened at school, and something that happened during their last practice, and something Jae said the other night. They all just go over my head because I didn’t foresee Sungjin to be this chatty, but the more you know.

Sungjin goes all the way up to my doorstep before handing me back our picnic bag. “See you on Monday,” he says, coolly.

“Okay,” I answer like a loser.

Then he nods and spins on his heel. I go inside and watch his back disappear down the street.


	8. Chapter 8

Monday morning I run into Sammy on the way to school. Though it was less of me running into him and more of him nearly running me over. The backseat door of a fancy black car opens, revealing one Sammy Kim. He gestures me to come in and I do. I settle into the lush leather seats and breathe in the expensive car smell.

This is his secret. Sammy’s family is rich. Like buy-a-small-country-for-vacation-no-big-deal rich. He doesn’t want people to know because that’s also the kind of family they are. He’s in a regular school acting like some weirdo because he’s supposed to have us all believing he’s just like us regular folk.

Or, as I like to believe, this is his punishment for whatever he did in his past exclusive international schools. He never talks about it, and I respect that, but there are days I just really want the mystery to be revealed.

“I thought you were mad at me?” I ask. We exchanged a few messages over the weekend, but they weren't full conversations.

Sammy makes a face. “I was busy.”

“Doing what?” I demand.

He reaches into his backpack and lifts up plastic case…of the latest video game I’ve been waiting for and saving up for since the news of its production.

“You already have Zombie Asylum!” I’m probably shrieking but I don’t care. “I thought it’s not coming out until next week!”

“My dad has a client who knows someone,” he says, like that’s totally normal and everyone knows someone of the sort. “I’ve been playing all weekend.”

“And you didn’t even tell me!”

“You didn’t tell me you were going out with that baseball guy.”

That’s fair, but also I didn’t know I was going out with Sungjin either. “Fine, we’re even now. How is it? As good as we hoped? Or so much more?”

He shifts in his seat and hands me the game. “Find out for yourself.”

I don’t even bother holding back the girliest squeal to ever come out of my mouth.  I hug the game close to my chest. I might have even kissed the thing. “Are you for real? Sammy, you’re the best! Thank you!”

He smiles smugly to himself and reclines back into his seat. I don’t get a free ride often so I enjoy myself as well. Isn’t this the dream? To have a boy pick you up in a fancy car and take you to and from school? Someone who will give you gifts—not just any gift but ones you really like and not some empty gesture because it’s what is typically done.

“I’m still mad you didn’t tell me about that guy,” he mutters a few moments later. He's looking out the window. “I thought we were friends.”

“I’m sorry,” I answer. I hate this. I don’t like that I’m lying to the only person who I know will always believe me no matter what. “I don’t know what to say. I’m just really sorry.”

“And then you’re acting like you don’t know me anymore?” He’s joking, but I feel his words stab me in the heart.

“You know what, I snuck out some food from the restaurant. Let’s have lunch together?”

He pouts. “You didn’t make extra food for your boyfriend, did you?”

I did. But Sungjin and Brian can survive another day without me. I know I said I promised myself I won’t feed him anymore, but no one else enjoys food like Sungjin enjoys food.  Brian too of course. Not just Sungjin. Maybe it’s because all they do during practice is run all the time.

“No. I brought it for me. You can have some if you want. Have as much as you like.”

This seems to appease him. “Fine. I guess that’s a fair trade. It’s time you go back to your place in the grand scheme of high school hierarchy. Don’t want you backsliding into being one of the cool girls again.”

I scoff. Sammy will never understand why this is so important to me. I just want to be with people with all the inside jokes and are always going out. They always seem to have the best lives. I want to enjoy what’s left of high school, is that so wrong?

“Once they kick you out, there’s no going back in.” That’s why my only way back up is to be even better without them. Prove to them I don’t need them. I can’t do that hiding in the stairwells.

About three blocks away from school, the car stops to let us down. Sammy never walks into the school grounds straight out of a chauffeured car. We walk the remaining distance talking about the other games we like playing and what other new games will be coming out soon. I’ve forgotten how fun this is, I link our arms together like we sometimes do. We’re in the middle of a heated discussion on which characters are better at boosting a certain skill when we cross the gates and I see the entire baseball team in two straight lines and in their uniforms, running around campus and chanting some group cheer.

Sungjin leads the group with Brian and Jae right behind him. My stomach drops and I drop my arm. My hand feels cold and prickly. Sungjin doesn’t stop running, though his pace slackens a bit and Jae nearly runs into him, pushes him forward as he stumbles on his feet instead. Sungjin looks back at us, then turns forward and increases his pace. Hard not to notice the cold expression on his face as he saw me.

Okay. Time to get to our classroom. I promise Sammy lunch, even if now I feel like I should talk to Sungjin. But what for? Just because we’re supposed to be dating doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with my friends. My real friends.

In the classroom Sungjin doesn’t talk to me. To be fair, he came in just before Mr. Junho and didn’t have time to say hi. But he doesn’t even look at me. Like I did something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s probably better this way. I’m sure it is.

Lunch time, I’m in the stairs just like before. I don’t even want to be in the cafeteria right now because Sungjin will probably just make his frowny face at me like he did this morning. So annoying.

Is this what it’s going to be like dating him for real? But intensified because it _is_ real? Why do people even do this? How do people even live with all these confusing feelings? Liking a boy is confusing enough. Not that I like Sungjin. I don’t.

“You’re making your angry eyes,” Sammy says, “did you have a fight with your boyfriend?”

“Why do you keep saying that word like that?” Like he’s being sarcastic or something. “And no. We didn’t have a fight. Why would we?”

He shrugs. “What word? _Boyfriend_?”

“You say it weird. And we didn’t have a fight!”

“I’m not saying it weird. You’re hearing it weird. Are you sure he’s not mad at you? I don’t know. He didn’t look too happy this morning. But then again, his face is usually like that.”

I open my mouth but snap it shut again. I’m not about to defend Sungin’s facial expressions. It’s not my fault a very few people get to see Sungjin be free. Most people avoid Sungjin, and the rare few who are in his circle don’t really make room for anyone else. It’s weird because even just watching him, I know he has this way of making people feel light and at ease around him. But with his team, he’s all scowly faces and intense glares. The girls that do like him laugh too hard when he talks and they keep trying to playfully touch his arm which he doesn’t like at all.

But I really have other things I need to think about now. Like the new content for my channel, it’s been a while since I uploaded anything. I can get a few episodes recorded before posting them. I won’t be able to do anything when the midterms roll in, though that won’t be for a while.

“If you say you didn’t have a fight, then you didn’t have a fight,” Sammy says eventually. “I’m sorry. Don’t think too hard about it anymore.”

I continue eating my lunch. “It’s okay. You’re right about Sungjin’s face anyway.”

After our last class ends, it becomes official that Sungjin hasn’t spoken to me at all the entire day. And now he’s run off somewhere, probably to baseball practice. Well, if he doesn’t want to talk to me then I don’t want to talk to him either. I sling my bag over my shoulders just as the last group of students walk out.

I’m walking toward the gate when I hear it.

“Iris!”

I pretend not to hear Sungjin and keep walking forward. I also pretend not to hear him running after me, but then he calls out my name again. He sounds like he’s right behind me. And then I feel his hand slide down my forearm and then we’re locking fingers together like it’s the most natural thing.

I am not freaking out.

“What are you doing?” I ask in a whisper just in case someone hears us.

“Let’s go get cake.”

I don’t even know if Sungjin is the type to like cake or sweet things, but coffee and cake doesn’t feel like his thing. “What? Why? It’s Monday.” Not that I have any qualms about revealing I stay home on school nights, but it’s _Monday_. We have homework. We have so much to do for tomorrow. Also I have Zombie Asylum waiting for me.

“Are you guys ready?”

I look behind his shoulder and find Brian holding hands with Ayeon. Well. That’s new. Doesn’t explain everything, but it does explain most things. Jae is right behind them, grinning like he’s not the fifth wheel here. That’s what this is. Sungjin needs me to play the role again in front of his friends.

Ayeon calls this a study date. Double Date. Plus Jae. We’re sitting together in this cutesy cafe that Ayeon obviously chose and we have our books and we’re doing the things that make it look like we’re doing homework, and at least for me I actually am trying to study. Brian is really smart. That’s my main takeaway message here. I’ve always known in a way since he’s always receiving honors and medals, but we’ve never been in the same class before. This is the first time I’m seeing him study and explain things and it’s fascinating.

Maybe this isn’t so bad.

Meanwhile, I can feel Sungjin next to me all strung tight. Is he angry at me? Or does he just not like being out in places like this?

“Are you guys practicing in the mornings now?” I ask Brian when Sungjin gets up to fetch some water.

“Didn’t Sungjin tell you?” he answers, not looking up from his notes.

Yes, because boyfriends are supposed to do that. “Maybe he did, I just don’t remember.”

“Schedule is weird now, but we’re going to be practicing mornings and afternoons everyday after midterms. We’re just trying to ease in the morning training now. Coach says it’s best to jog around in the morning. Also something about boosting team spirit.”

Jae is just taking pictures on his phone and doodling on his notebooks, but I guess that works for him because I haven’t heard that he’s been doing poorly. Maybe he’s a genius and doesn’t need to study like the rest of us. So far no one’s mentioned Sammy. I’ve been so on edge waiting for it. We’re just friends, after all. We’ve always been friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. 

I check behind my shoulder to see if Sungjin is on his way back. “Uhm.”

Brian and Ayeon grin, and Jae laughs.

Ayeon leans in conspiratorially and whispers, “You know, we never get him to come with us to these things. But then I suggested he take you with us and now here we are.”

“He almost didn’t want to go,” Brian adds. “Because of this morning.”

“Don’t worry,” Ayeon assures me, “I knocked some sense into him. Gosh, he’s so silly. Being upset over nothing.”

“Truth,” Jae says, “though we missed you during lunch today. Someone was extra grumpy. Totally not your fault, though.”

I don’t understand what they’re trying to say until Brian scrunches his nose at me and says, “He’s like a bear. He doesn’t like sharing.”

“Do bears not like to share?” Jae asks, going completely off tangent.

Is…is Sungjin jealous?

Sungjin returns with our refilled glasses and we continue studying. The thought of Sungjin being jealous consumes me for the rest of the hour. The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. He can’t be. Our friends might think so, but Sungjin doesn’t even like me. There’s no reason for it. It must be something else.

And because I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m suddenly more aware of Sungjin now.  I’m really trying to study but I keep getting distracted. We’re sitting together and it’s like I feel him radiate warmth, and it’s making his laundry-detergent smell even more intense. I bury my nose into a math problem I’ve been solving for the past…I don’t even know how long.

I glance at his hands as he too tries to do our math homework. His hands are so large, and knuckley and veiny. I didn’t really get to pay attention earlier today because I was so annoyed, but my hands are so tiny compared to his. I try to recall the feeling of his palms and his fingers, but I keep getting blanks.

Suddenly I want to hold his hand. Like how I know Brian and Ayeon are under the table. They keep sneaking glances and shy smiles at each other. I sneak another glance at Sungin’s face. He’s too focused on his homework to notice me, but then he shifts and I get the feeling that even if he’s not looking at me, he’s as aware of me as I am of him. I can’t concentrate.

Sungjin shifts again and his thigh brushes against mine. He doesn’t move it away, and I’m paralyzed. I should move, right? Because this is weird. He’s always moving away from people, barely tolerating Jae’s tentacle arms all over him and always running away from Wonpil’s tackle hugs. 

From the corner of my eye, I study his side profile. The perfect shape of his nose. His long dark eyelashes. The curve of his lips. Oh no.

Sungjin’s eyes flit toward me, but I keep my eyes on my notebook and at the mechanical way I’m writing down numbers and x’s like I’m Really Working on math. But Im holding my breath now. I wonder if he is, too.

When he looks away, I sneak a glance at him. Then just as I look away, that’s when he looks at me. It’s like a game of catch, but the objective is to avoid being caught. I feel like someone should say something? Move first? Laugh awkwardly to make the thickness in the air vanish?

“Did you get it?” he asks, leaning closer to check my progress.

“Almost,” I breathe. “I think.”

He laughs, low and breathy. “You messed up your substitutions.” Then he leans even closer to erase a line of equations for me. Our shoulders touch and he’s not flinching away. I’m just staring at his ear and the side of his head, unable to move. I am definitely not breathing.

“There,” he says, giving me back my personal space. “All better. Try again?”

I look down, but all I see are lines and swirls. I risk a glance, and he’s smiling. But it’s also half a smirk. I turn away first. “Thanks.”

Sungjin waits a few beats before returning his attention to his own homework.

My heart is pounding.

 


	9. Chapter 9

I can’t even look at Sungjin.

He’s walking me home even after I said we can separate ways after we get off the bus since Brian and Ayeon and Jae won’t be with us anymore. It’s not like anyone else will see us, or that he’s supposed to walk me home all the time. Even if he were my real boyfriend, I won’t ask him to do that. My mom said it’s important to give people their space. But, as if he didn’t even hear me, he’s still here. Walking grumpily next to me. If he’s going to be this difficult, why can’t he just go home? Why make me suffer like this? He’s the worst.

Why can’t he just talk to me like a normal person? It’s not like it’s not obvious he’s upset. Everyone can tell he’s upset. Ayeon kept assuring me he’ll get over it, and Jae and Brian just said to let him be mad for a little while longer. I get that. But _why_ is he so mad?

The urge to just hit him with a baseball bat is so strong, I’m glad he doesn’t bring one with him all the time.

Now that our friends aren’t with us, he’s about an arm’s length away from me, not talking to me, and every now and then I hear him scoffing to himself.

I can’t take this anymore. “What is your problem?”

“Me?” he grumbles, “I don’t have a problem.”

“Then what are you being all mopey for?” He was just fine today when we were studying. More than fine. He was smiling at me, interrupting me in the middle of writing down notes with not-accidental nudges of his elbow, and he kept poking my hands with his pencil.Even I, for a very brief moment, forgot we were pretending. What’s with the sudden change? “Aren’t you Busan guys supposed to be straightforward and whatever?”

“You should really drop your stereotypes about who’s what because they’re from where,” he mutters, shoving his hands inside his pockets. “And I really don’t have a problem. I’m just naturally like this.”

I roll my eyes. I really don’t want to be the one to urge him to talk to me about what’s eating him up. I’ve seen and lived through it with my parents and I’ve heard enough from my sister. It’s not my job to make him own up to what’s bothering him and why. If he doesn’t want to talk, then I won’t make time for him. I just wish I knew how to let this go. I wish I can just call my sister right now and ask her, but she’s all the way in Paris because of university.

“Where were you at lunch today?” he asks after another minute of tense silence.

Something must have happened over lunch that’s gotten him in a mood. That doesn’t mean he has to take it out on me if that’s what this is about. “The same place I take my lunches at ever since the whole school decided I was trash. Somewhere no one will find me.”

Hurt flashes on his face. Or maybe it’s guilt. “The whole school?”

I shrug. “Felt like it. Couldn’t stay in the classroom because the boys would…they’d tease me and the girls would say mean things. And the cafeteria was even worse because I could hear them all talking about me and no one wanted to sit with me. So I had to find somewhere else where no one can see me be pathetic.”

“That…that’s terrible. I didn’t know it was that bad. Is it still that bad?”

I make a sound that’s supposed to convince him I’m making light of it. But it still stings.Some wounds never heal. Some scars stay with you forever as a reminder. “It’s not as bad as it was before. I’m old news now, my fifteen minutes in the spotlight is over. But some people don’t forget that easily and the damage has been done. You’re lucky you get to have your little bubble with the baseball team and with your other friends. I lost all my friends. ”

“Then they weren’t real friends to begin with. No one defended you?”

“Doesn’t matter now.” I glance at him, not really surprised he hasn’t kept up with the high school grape vine. “That was in the past.” If I keep telling myself that, I can move on toward a future.

“It matters if you’re still not living your life because of it. Where do you go?”

“Somewhere no one can find me,” I say it like I’m annoyed he asked again. Because it’s important, I bring it up. “That’s why Sammy is my friend. He’s the only one who talked to me the entire time. He’s the only one who believed me and helped me. He knows what it’s like. He’s my best friend.”

I don’t know why I’m explaining this to him. But it’s also important that Sungjin understands that Sammy is just my friend. I don’t have to emphasise it to Sungjin. I don’t have anything to prove to him. I don’t even have to spell it out that I don’t like Sammy in that way. That there’s no one I like in that way. But I refrain from saying this out loud. It’s not _that_ important.

Sungjin stares at his feet. “I would’ve been your friend too.”

“But you didn’t. Not back then when it counted.” And I can’t hold it against him. “Honestly, I don’t think you still would have if I didn’t, you know, freak out in front of Haneul and the others. But that’s okay. Pretending to date you is helping me not look like so much of a loser, and you’re getting what you want. Fair trade.”

At this point, I’m beginning to think Sungjin pretend-dating me is also a way to get his friends off his case. To have someone to show off to them in return. No one seems to be bothering Jae about his single status, but then I guess it’s because he’s Jae. And Jae always plays by a different set of rules. There used to be this rumour that he used to date this college girl, and he only dates older women. I don’t know if that’s true, but I also don’t know why it can’t be.

Sungjin doesn’t answer, so I tell him, “You wouldn’t have chosen me. Why would you? Why didn’t you just pick someone from all your admirers anyway? Never mind. You’re going to say something like you don’t want to lead them on because you don’t actually like them that way, but with me it’s all clear because we’re not like that. Got it.”

Why isn’t he saying anything? One-sided conversations are always the most awkward. I might end up babbling on and on. “You know,” I begin, “Other guys would love to trade places with you. To have all those girls fawning.” I have no idea what the numbers are, but it must be enough to make him uncomfortable. Sungjin doesn’t do well with attention, something I’ve picked up through the duration of this short and fake relationship.

“I don’t even know what they see in you,” I continue, struggling to keep up both the unaffected facade and the charade. “I mean, you’re really…well you’re…Brian is really smart, aside from being really cute and friendly. Jae is super funny and everyone loves him and he’s also really tall.” I’m tempted to make someone else up, a past boyfriend who’s perfect. So perfect, Sungjin won’t believe he exists and I’ll only end up getting caught.

He raises a brow at me, challenging me. But to what?

“And you…” I lose my train of thought. “I guess…some girls are really just into grumpy guys with perfectly shaped heads.”

I can’t believe I just said he has a perfectly shaped head. Even if he does, he doesn’t need to hear it from me.

“And, I guess, you’re nice sometimes? Maybe that’s why girls like you. You’re nice to everyone.”

Nice doesn’t mean anything, though. It’s the worst word to describe someone, and to be honest there are times “nice” people are almost threatening in the manner of their niceness. Sungjin isn’t like that. He’s not “nice.” He’s just a good person. A really good person who can make people laugh.

I give up. “Did it help, though? Are your fangirls less rabid now?”

Sungjin stays silent still, and I’m about to give up on hearing him answer, but after a long moment with my question just hanging in the air he finally says, “I have a perfectly shaped head?”

I shrug weakly.

He rubs the top of his head. Show off. “At first they were into Brian, but then Brian got a girlfriend. So now I’m their Plan B. I’m just waiting them to move on to Jae. Or anyone else.”

“Hence, me.” I think I might have said something because he looks annoyed. “I’m sure for a lot of them you’re not their Plan B. You’re someone’s first choice, I’m sure.”

“Whatever,” he says, giving me a sidelong glance. ”Some of them stopped asking me out.”

“ _Some_ of them.”

He turns away to hide a playful smirk. “Apparently you’re not very convincing.”

“Excuse me?”

He shrugs and keeps walking. By now we’ve moved closer to each other again, so close that every other step our arms brush against each other. A part of me wants to step away, but another part of me wants to reach out and hold on to his arm. I don’t know which part of me is making more sense, or if I should instead search deeper for the part of me that’s still thinking clearly.

He shrugs.

“So you think by employing the same strategy as Brian, you’d get the same results? You realize the difference there is that Brian and Ayeon really like each other? They’re already together, but they still keep flirting. I can’t watch them. You see the way they look at each other. It’s too much. That’s probably why the girls gave up on him. So, by that argument, you’re the one who isn’t convincing enough.”

The air shifts. Becomes thick. Sungjin turns to me, crowding my space. I fall back a step and my back hits the brick wall wrapped around the house a street away from mine. Sungjin anchors one hand next to my head. Then he leans forward to look me in the eyes. I look at our feet instead. I can’t breathe.

“Should I do something like this?”

I don’t know if he means to convince everyone else or me. But I’m not the one he has to convince. All this will be infinitely better if he doesn’t do things boyfriends do. I want all my firsts to be real. Not like this. Even if it is Sungjin. Even if I’ll let him.

We’re both standing still. He’s so close to me. His gaze is locked on my face. My heart is racing, it’s becoming painful in my chest. “At…at school?”

He hums an answer, a sound that comes out rough instead of soft. “Or just like this. Here. Now.”

“For practice?” I wheeze.

“Do you want to practice?”

I have to keep reminding myself what this is about. “Okay, fine. You made your point. From now on I’ll do better. I look at you with…with stars in my eyes and talk about—about how your face…does that thing…I’ll make it believable. I’ll even make you lunch every once in a while. I’m sorry about what I said about Brian and Jae and then you. You’re super cool. Like, everyone should be, like, all over you all the time. Because your face. Wow. Congratulations on your face.”

He’s still looking at me. I can feel his eyes on my face. He’s so warm. I feel like all of me is going to burst into flames.

“Have you had a boyfriend before?”

I can always lie. I’m so good at it, after all. So good I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to completely keep track of all the lies I’ve told. But here I am, shaking my head just the slightest because…because I don’t know. I have no control of anything anymore. Especially not the way I’m reacting to Sungjin.

“Even before—“

I shake my head to finish that sentence off for him. In first year, I was a nobody. In second year, that’s when I became friends with Haneul. There wasn’t much room for anything else. And then, well, here we are now.

Is it obvious I don’t know what my girlfriend duties are?

If it’s even possible, Sungjin leans in even closer without crushing me between him and the wall. I ask myself if I’m scared, but I’m not scared of Sungjin. I’ve seen him make angry eyes at a bowl of curry ramen for being too hot to eat as if his food will submit to him and magically be just the right slurping temperature. So, no. It’s not fear.

At least, not the kind where I’m afraid he’s going to harm me.

But also, that’s not how Sungjin is looking at me now. I’m too afraid to look, but I do it. I turn my eyes up to meet his. There’s a playfulness there, but it’s mixed with something else I don’t the words for.

Sungjin lifts his other arm to cage me in between, but I yelp and flinch. He flinches too, drops both his hands and backs away. His face falters and he looks strangely hurt for some reason. Like I mean to just keep hurting his feelings all the time.

“Uhm. Thanks for walking me home. I really appreciate it. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.” I say everything in one breath and then sprint all the way home. Just like that, just as we’re about to be okay again, I run off like I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.

I get home, but my head is floating somewhere else.

What happened today?


	10. Chapter 10

The following morning Sungjin is waiting for me by the school gates. He’s leaning against the inside wall next to the main entrance, arms crossed and his chin drooping into his chest. It’s too early for him to be here, and I think he’s still sleeping. I have every intention of walking right past him, but he looks up in time to see me. It’s too late to run now.

Pushing himself off the wall, he drags his feet toward me. My heart thumps in my chest so hard, I’m scared if he comes any closer he’ll hear what he does to me. Sungjin blinks the sleep away from his eyes, tilts his head. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.”

The “somewhere else not here” is a given. Students are passing by us, some of them sending curious glares, others not caring one bit, and a few who are too stressed to notice anything else. We still have time before the warning bell, but I don’t know if it’s enough time. What am I supposed to tell him anyway? That I freaked out because I’ve never been that close to a boy? Willingly, I mean. Willingly and in complete control of my faculties.

Sungjin leads the way and, as we walk, his hand grazes mine in a not-so-accidental way. The second time it happens, I ignore it. But on the third, I catch his hand and his fingers tighten around mine. He doesn’t show any other emotion on his face, but he does walk taller an his shoulders are straighter. We go all the way to the back of the clubroom.

“I’m sorry,” Sungjin says, still holding my hand. He stands in front of me and rests his shoulder against the wall. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

Oh. He’s apologising about yesterday.

“I wasn't going to kiss you, I promised you I won’t. I really wasn’t.”

My stomach sinks. I’m not disappointed. _Don’t show him you’re disappointed_. “I wasn’t worried about that. I’m not worrying about it. I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“No, that’s okay. I scared you.”

I’m not scared in the way he thinks, but I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. It wasn’t that I was scared he’d kiss me. I was scared because I wanted to kiss him. I’m scared right now that I might not let his hand go. I’m scared that I might like him but what if my feelings aren’t real? What if they’re there because I need them to be? Because we’ve been spending so much time together? I’m afraid I might like him, and it’s for real but he won’t feel the same way.

“I wasn’t.”

“Your face says different. You don’t look okay.”

I take a deep breath and try to calm my features. “No, I’m fine. I didn’t think you’d apologize.”

“Why wouldn’t I? I did something wrong. I should apologize.”

“Thank you.” I don’t know what else to say.

I focus instead on the feel of his hand. Mine is completely engulfed in his, and his feels rough and hard. Boy hands. But I shouldn’t get used to this, right?

Sungjin is sleepily looking at me, a soft contended smile on his face. “Can I stop by the restaurant after school?”

I laugh. “You don’t have to ask. You can just show up there, you know. Like you normally do. You do it all the time.”

“But I don’t know if you’re going to be there.”

“We can go together later.”

“Homework?”

“Sure, do you think the others will want to come?”

“Maybe,” he yawns. “But don’t tell them to come.”

I think about what Brian and Jae said about bears not wanting to share. I hold back a laugh because I won’t know how to explain that. The warning bell rings, and Sungjin scowls at the air. He’s not the only one disappointed.

We walk to our classroom, still hand in hand. Like we’re really together. Like he really likes me and I like him. Our classmates are probably getting used to us too because they just nod at us and greet us like the usual. Haneul’s face pinches into something painful, and I ignore her. It’s not hard to do, I just look at Sungjin and he fills my vision.

Sungjin goes to his seat, and I try to go to mine but he doesn’t let go of my hand.

“Let go,” I laugh.

He pouts. “No.”

I laugh a little more, unable to keep it all in. I don’t want to let go either, but the second bell rings. “I’m just sitting over there! I'm not going anywhere.”

In the background, I hear some of our classmates groaning. I don’t care. I’m enjoying this too much. With a huff, Sungjin lets go of my hand. Just in time. Mr. Junho walks into the classroom and tells us to settle down in our seats.

Just one more time, I remind myself it’s not real.

 

***

 

The rest of the week goes by as usual. I go have lunch with Sungjin and his friends most days, saving one day with Sammy. I would save more days for him, but I really like being with everyone else. Also I still don’t know how to tell him I haven’t started on my videos for Zombie Asylum yet. My excuse is that it hasn’t technically been released yet, and that I’m still perfecting the levels, but the truth is I’ve managed to get to the loading screen before choosing to meet with Sungjin and his friends instead. They’re fun. I miss being around lots of people, and with Sammy sometimes we just sit there and watch videos on our phones. In the afternoons, Sungjin and I study together, sometimes with Brian and Ayeon, sometimes also with Jae, other times just the two of us at the library or a coffee shop.

This is the first time we’re having lunch alone. It’s Tuesday the following week and as soon as we were dismissed for lunch, Sungjin came to my seat, offering his hand. He’s taken too well to the hand-holding I don’t know if I can ever unlearn the feel of his palms against mine.

Now we’re sitting cross-legged across each other on the bleachers facing the multi-purpose field. Not a lot of students come out here because it’s either too cold, too hot, or it’s raining. But today is a good day. I’m sure it’s because Sungjin made his scary face at the sky to make the weather cooperate.

“Good?” I ask, watching him eat so well.

“The best,” he answers, mouth full of rice.

“What’s your favorite from the restaurant?” I ask. I know what his favorite is, I’m just asking so it doesn’t appear that I already know. “So I can bring some on Friday.”

Fridays are their worst training days because the weekend follows so Coach Taec doesn't have to hold back. They have morning training and extended afternoon practice. Sungjin gets really grumpy and he’s extra grumpy when he’s hungry. The least I can do is do the rest of the team a favour and feed their captain.

“Yours,” he answers without even thinking about it.

“What do you mean ‘mine’. Tell me which one.”

“I like the curry you make the best. It tastes different. I like it better.”

I try not to look so happy. Sungjin can say all the right things when he really puts his mind into it. Best not to get easily carried away. “You know my dad makes the best curry in, like, the region. Probably the neighbouring ones too.”

“I know. I still like yours better.”

I scoff. “You only say that because I feed you. You only like me because of my cooking.”

He laughs with his whole body. “Say that next time someone asks.”

I bite my bottom lip because I’m afraid I might say something I can’t take back. When it’s just Sungjin and me like this, it feels like it can be real. Sungjin’s grin is full and dazzling and it catches me off guard. My heart stops. Sungjin looks at me questioningly as I stare at him.

I let my gaze drop and continue eating. “Do you want to do something after midterms?” My voice is low because I’m stressed.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything. Anywhere is good.”

“Are you asking me out on a date?” he teases. “You’ve changed, Iris.”

“Ha-ha. Forget I said anything.”

“No!” He leans in like he’s going to reach forward to…do something. But he stops midway. “Okay, let’s go. Let’s do it. It won’t be a date. You can save that for your real first boyfriend.”

It came up again once a few days ago. I’ve never really been on a real date before. Sungjin said I should make a list so we know what not to do together. So I can save all my firsts. “Where did you used to go on dates?” I ask. I’m only a little bitter because he has more dating experience than me. I shouldn’t care anymore about the past girls. Or the one girl from St. Mary’s, whoever she is.

“Just places,” he shrugged. “They always chose.”

“Wow.”

“What? It doesn’t really matter, does it? As long as we’re together?”

“Ew.” I crumple a paper towel and throw it in his face. “That’s so cheesy.”

“Okay, okay.” He straightens up a bit. “How about you choose one place and I choose one place, and then we do both. It’s a whole day thing. Deal?”

“Okay.” I offer my pinky. “Promise?”

He links our pinkies together and leans forward as he pulls me closer. We’re face to face again, almost nose to nose. “Promise.”

I hide my blush behind my hair, but Sungjin doesn’t act like he noticed. Or if he did, he’s used to it. Or maybe he doesn’t mind it. I want to stop overthinking this, but I can’t stop my brain from going off. But Sungjin spends the rest of lunch talking about baseball, their plans for the coming weeks, and the team, and that distracts me long enough to not think. He talks and talks I’m afraid he’s worked off all the energy he just ate.

 

***

 

Saturday after midterms, Sungjin just shrugs defeatedly at me because we’ve been roped to go to another group date—Brian and Ayeon, plus Jae—this time at an escape room. I voice out it’s probably a terrible idea, but no one listens to me. I’m messaging back and forth with Sammy and he says I should just yell louder, but what’s the point?

As predicted, we fail the escape room but I think Ayeon jumping into Brian, and Brian being all knight-in-shining-armor can still be considered a win for them. Jae just films as much as he can get away with, saying this will go well with the graduation video he’s planning on making. Sungjin and I just sort of coast through the level. Sungjin because he’s just that kind of guy, and me because I’m used to playing these games. Maybe I should have acted scared, see if Sungjin would put his arm around me. Now I have regrets.

“You weren’t really scared?” Sungjin asks. We’re seated for an early dinner at a grill. Jae is seated at the head of the setting, the pairs being seated together on each side. Brian has an arm around the back of his girlfriend’s seat, while Sungjin…is being himself and sitting like himself. It’s fine, though. As long as he’s comfortable.

“I was so scared, I couldn’t even feel scared,” I answer. They laugh. Life is good.

“This is so much fun,” Ayeon beams, “Next time we should go out without these guys.”

All the boys look up. Jae adjusts his glasses. “Me too?” he asks.

“You can come,” Ayeon says. I’m glad she said that because Jae is fun. Never a dull moment with him around. I’m still trying to figure out what he’s talking about half the time. I spend just about the same amount of time as he does on the internet and I still can’t keep up with him.

“Speaking of.” Jae places his elbows on the table and acts all serious-like. “You, Iris.”

I point at myself.

“Has our Captain mentioned the yearly tradition of Training Camp?”

It’s all Sungjin talks about recently. Every year, right after midterms and just before the start of the official season, the baseball team camps out at school for a weekend long intensive training session. Our original d-day for our Date was today, but we moved it to after camp. “I know what it is.”

“Good. Have you been made aware of what happens on Sunday?”

He means the last day of their training. I shake my head.

Jae looks at Sungjin and shakes his head, tuts at him. “Honestly, Captain. Unless you have plans?”

Sungjin just shakes his head, so done with Jae already.

“Sunday is when all the important people stop by to visit. Give us some cheer. Encouragement. The like. It’s an official thing, but—“ he clears his throat— “we have a special session before the big lunch. You’re invited, of course.”

“To what exactly am I invited to?”

“You get to be the first thing they see after a long training session,” Ayeon answers. “At least for some of them. It’s captain’s privilege.”

“It’s tradition. A secret tradition,” Brian adds. “That if you so happen to know about, you can also coincidentally show up really early.” He turns to Ayeon with a sly grin.

I turn to Sungjin. “Am I invited?”

“If you want to.”

That’s such a Sungjin answer I take it as a yes. “Okay. Ayeon, do you want to go together?”

It’s just at school so asking for my dad’s permission won’t be a problem at all. Not that I have to lie. The one thing I don’t lie about to my dad is where I am at all times. He’s had enough lying about that kind of thing to last him a lifetime. I promised him I won’t ever give him that trouble.

Ayeon nods, happily. “I’ll call you!”

“Awesome!” Jae cheers, “See, Cap? That wasn’t so hard.”

Sungjin’s ears are burning pink and he’s glaring daggers at Jae.

“See how easy that was?” Jae continues, unfazed. “Even I could do it. You could have done it. With a bit more flair, even. Captain, I know you value your manliness above all but it won’t hurt to show a little finesse.”

Brian and Ayeon are laughing too hard so I can’t ask for an explanation. Sungjin just sighs and turns to me with a soft smile. Did he mean to ask me to go see him after training? And couldn’t? Is that why Jae has to do it?

I’m melting on the inside and I know for sure that one step more and I will fall.

I just don’t know if Sungjin will be there to catch me.

 


	11. Chapter 11

I don’t see much of Sungjin the week leading to Training Camp, but I spend that time with Ayeon and her friends. Once, I’ve convinced Sammy to join us for lunch and it wasn’t a disaster. Slowly, my life is going back to normal. A new normal.

There are perks to being the captain’s girlfriend. People are saying hi to me along the hallways, the same people who wouldn’t even look at me or would make fun of me are suddenly friendly again. When I’m in line at the cafeteria, the people in queue with me ask me things like what’s good on the menu…and then ask about the team. Jeongyeon and Jihyo are better at fielding the nosy bodies away and often slide in to unlatch the unwanted presence away. I’d be lying if I say I don’t like the attention. Because I do.

I’m waiting for afternoon practice to end so Sungjin and I can walk together on the way home. The other girls already went ahead, so I’m just doing homework with Sammy by the bleachers. After we’re done with our History essays, he says goodbye and heads on home. Practice should be about over, so I head down toward the dugout to meet Sungjin.

That’s when I run into Haneul. She’s standing a few ways away from the lockers, doing something on her phone. The smart thing to do is just walk past her, but I can’t help myself.

I plaster on a smile. “Haneul? Hi.”

When she looks up, her eyes dart around us. Then the side of her lips curl into a smile. Not because she’s happy to see me. The kind that says she knows something I don’t know. Fear coils in my stomach. I’ve always been so in awe of her. Afraid, too. “Enjoying yourself?”

“What are you talking about?”

Last year this rumour broke out that Matthew wanted to ask someone not Haneul out. It didn’t take long for Haneul’s social media skills to track down who it was. She made her life miserable in the most subtle of ways. It would have been easier if Haneul was aggressive-aggressive, but that’s not her usual style. Somehow she made the girl believe that Matthew was going to play a prank on her. After that, Haneul made the poor thing go through so much minor inconveniences throughout the year. Eventually she got tired of that game. That’s when I became her new plaything. And _then_ she decided aggressive-aggressive was her style after all.

“That’s cute,” Haneul answers, sickeningly saccharine. “Well, enjoy your life _while_ it’s good.”

Jiyeon comes out of the lockers with Rocket, one of the members of the baseball team. Rocket is not one of Sungjin’s favorites. He’s always complaining about how Rocket doesn’t take anything seriously and is always just playing around and not in a good way. The only reason he’s on the team because his father likes to make donations and Coach Taec and the administration feel pressured into keeping him.

“What took you so long?” Haneul demands.

Jiyeon and Rocket look at me. Jiyeon in that way that she knows they chose her over me, and Rocket in that way that I know he’s seen the video. Goosebumps erupt on my skin and I clamp down the embarrassment and the fear.

“Anyway,” Haneul says, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Her eyes scan me head to toe and she laughs darkly to herself. She makes her leave, ramming her bag into my shoulder on her way.

I breathe out only after she’s gone.

The baseball team file out of the dugout in groups and, because I don’t want them to see me so shaken up, I scoot and press myself against the wall so they just go by me. Finally, Sungjin walks out and reach out for him from behind.

“Hey! Your surprised me,” he says, dazzling eyes and dazzling smile. He must see the distress in my face because his expression shifts into murder. “What happened? Are you okay?” He looks around, but sees nothing. “Tell me what happened.”

I shake my head. It’s not important anymore. I just want him to comfort me. To make me feel better. Safe. “Can I…Can I hug you?”

His face does that thing again, the face he does when he doesn’t know what to do with his expressions. I feel like I’ve been staring at his face all this time, but I’m still always discovering new things.

“Just twenty seconds, I promise.”

His shoulders relax and he steps forward, grabbing me by the shoulders and enveloping me in a tight embrace. “Come here.”

Every moment of this will only happen once, so I breathe him in. I shut my eyes and focus only on his warmth. Holding on as fiercely as I can, I count down the seconds slowly. Only twenty. No more, no less. Any more than that then this will be a real hug with real feelings and I will only end up wanting it more. I know I can’t have more. I take what I need, memorise the feeling as best as I can, and then step away.

“Thank you,” I say, just a little embarrassed. “How was training?”

Sungjin checks if I’m really okay, but doesn’t press the issue. He pulls me by the bag straps so he can buckle us together. “As annoying as Wonpil is, he’s still the fastest in the team so I have to suffer through drills with him all the time.”

As we walk, Sungjin tries to explain to me the significance of each drill to their overall conditioning but I’m too distracted by him using his hands more than his words. Every now and then, he checks to see if I’m really alright, to which I smile and urge him to continue. When we get to the curry shop, he stays for a little longer so we can go through our math homework together. We argue about the right sequence for one of the problems, and in that mess my eraser falls to the floor. He just laughs as I pick it up from under the table.

That’s when I notice it. Inside Sungjin’s bag is a letter, in soft yellow stationery, peeking through his English textbook.

 

***

 

“What does Sungjin do with all the letters he receives?” I ask Ayeon while we’re preparing kimbap for when we go see the boys after their intensive training camp tomorrow morning.

All three heads look up at me confused. Jeongyeon and Jihyo came to my house to help too. I stare back at them, also confused. Everyone knows Sungjin receives gifts and letters. Everyone. It’s not a secret. I don’t think he’s stopped receiving them even after we started dating. Fake dating. At least I haven’t been receiving any death threats or dead rats. Weird looks, sure. Whispers, yes. But that’s about it.

Jihyo puts down her knife next to the carrots she’s slicing. “He dumps it in the big basket in the storage room.”

“Have you not been to the storage room?” Jeongyeon asks, taking a bite of the roll I just finished making.

“Why would I want to go to the storage room?” It sounds dusty and filthy and smelly.

They send Ayeon a pointed look.

Ayeon just flushes a bright pink. “What?” She’s trying not to squeal, but her smile is just over the moon. “Wait,” she turns to me, “you’ve never been to the storage room?”

“What’s in the storage room?”

Ayeon starts giggling uncontrollably.

Jihyo pops a carrot into her mouth. “Privacy. That’s what in the storage room.”

“Oh, come on,” Jeongyeon presses, “that’s like, part of the tradition. It’s a full on rite of passage. It’s written in the unwritten rules of the baseball club! The captain should know this most of all.”

Jeongyeon would be part of the baseball team if they took girls in. She’s just as good as any of the boys, but we don’t even have a softball team. So she’s delegated as an honorary member. Coach lets her play with the boys sometimes just for fun. Other times she helps Jimin manage the team and their workouts. Jihyo helps, too. She’s the one who has all the diet and exercise regimens. Ayeon is practically their marketing team. I feel like I need to step up or something, but Ayeon assures me they have everything under control and I don’t have to force myself into doing anything. It will happen naturally, she said.

But I still don’t understand what they’re hinting at and I continue assembling another roll.

“Oh, give her a break,” Jihyo chuckled. “The storage room is where Ayeon and Brian make out all the time.”

“Oh my gosh!” Ayeon throws a julienned carrot into Jihyo’s face. It hits her square in the forehead. “It’s not _all the time_. And it’s not just us!” She picks up another carrot and points it at my face. “And you, I don’t believe you!”

I’m just aggressively rolling this seaweed into a nice tight roll. “You know, we need to make, like, hundreds of these.”

Jeongyeon takes another bite of her roll. “Please, Sungjin’s always looking at you like—“

I cut her off. “You know if you keep eating, we’re not going to have enough.”

“He really does,” Jihyo agrees. “You guys are just as bad as these two.” She gestures at Ayeon who just smiles sweetly at her. “You’re just less… _handsy_ about it.”

Does he, really? Look at me like how Brian looks at Ayeon? I can’t imagine it.

“I can’t believe he hasn’t taken you to the storage room yet.” Ayeon muses out loud.

Has he taken someone else to the storage room before? I don’t want to think about it. It’s too much. I don’t want to think about Sungjin kissing anyone else.

“Where do you go when you don’t lunch with us?” Ayeon asks. Nobody is working anymore. Useless, all of them.

“To the bleachers!”

They all squeal, and I look behind me in case my dad comes home unannounced and ends up accidentally hearing things.

“We don’t do anything weird at the bleachers, okay!”

“Don’t worry,” Jeongyeon says, getting back to seasoning the ingredients and setting them on top of the seaweed and rice.

“Why would she be worried?” Jihyo interrupts, “Sungjin knows exactly what happens in the storage room.”

“He’s saving it for a special occasion?” Ayeon teases.

I’m not listening anymore. At least not much. What I’m worried about is that someone will ask why I’m suddenly interested in the letters, and I’ve prepared an answer to this. Because we’re making food, I though about how Sungjin gives Dowoon all the food he receives. But no one asks, and I’m starting to think I’m the only one who’s worried. That I’m worrying for nothing. I’m sure it’s nothing.

Later, after we’re done preparing for everything, Ayeon approaches me while I’m arranging the refrigerator. The other two at the opposite side of the kitchen counter, watching something on Jeongyeon’s phone.

“You know he probably never brings you there because _everyone_ knows what goes on there. It’s more like the secret everyone knows but won’t talk about. But, you know, you don’t have to worry about that sort of stuff in the baseball team. They’re not like that. He’s not like that.”

Is she referring to my scandal? That I might be worried about being an incident again?

“He’s probably just protecting you,” she says dreamily. “And you know he hates all the attention. Even if it’s indirect attention.”

“You don’t have to explain,” I tell her. Still, a warm feeling courses through me anyway. “But thank you.”

“Of course.” She smiles. “We’re friends now.”

The warm feeling sinks into a dark ball in my gut. When Sungjin and I fake break up, does that mean I have to break up with Ayeon and the others too?

 

***

 

We get to school around ten in the morning, just as the boys are given enough free time to prepare for the Lunch with their families. Coach Taec is hosting the potluck and will be talking about the team’s progress and what their vision is for the season ahead. Then they’re going to go around saying cheesy stuff to each other. It’s all very intense and serious, and maybe this is why the team treats each other like family. Even with guys like Rocket in the team.

According to Ayeon, Coach Taec knows about the secret tradition, but doesn’t care as long as no one gets in trouble. Regardless, we still need to be careful. Suddenly, I feel like I’m in a heist or something. Some stealth mission even it’s not really that. Ayeon and I walk around the field, and along the dugout we see the boys pitching down their tents.

“Let’s go wait over there?” Ayeon heads off toward the club room and I follow her. Jeongyeon and Jihyo should already be here somewhere, probably with Jimin helping Coach Taec with stuff. “Coach will be busy and distracted, and besides he doesn’t care if we wait here.”

As we enter, I look around for the storage closet where Sungjin’s letters and other gifts are. I know some of the things go to charity, and the others get re-gifted shamelessly by the other boys, but it’s the letters I want to know about. More than gifts, I feel like letters are personal. There’s more of your heart in it. More of you exposed and vulnerable. It will hurt a lot more if those feelings are discarded. I just want to know what he does with them. I’m not going to read them.

Maybe Sungjin just keeps them all. Does he read them? I don’t see him reading them, but maybe he does when they’re in the clubroom. Is that why he’s always the last to leave? Does he ever reply to them?

There’s a door right across me. That must be it.

“You okay?” Ayeon asks, sitting on top of a table and pulling out her phone.

“I’m fine.” I put down the picnic basket on top of a bench. “I think I’m just nervous.”

Ayeon doesn’t look up from her screen. “For what?”

“I haven’t seen Sungjin since Friday.” Which is not at all a long time. But ever since we started faking, we’ve seen each other almost every weekend. I haven’t seen some people in years, and very rarely does it feel this way. When my sister comes home over the summer, I’m sure I won’t feel like this. I’ll feel excited. I’m sure when my mom visits, I’ll also feel…well…different.

And it’s not just that we haven’t seen each other. There’s a strictly no phones allowed policy to keep the team from getting distracted so I haven’t spoken to him either. I don’t think he’ll _look_ different, but I’m nervous. What if he’s not as excited to see me?

“You’re such a mess!” Ayeon hops off the table and pulls me closer to the end of the room where there’s a mirror. “Okay, calm down. What are you so nervous about?”

I don’t know!

“Okay close your eyes and just breathe,” Ayeon says, putting her hands over my ears.

I hear a muffled noise outside. Then hushed laughter. And then I hear Ayeon’s soft giggle before she grabs me by the arms. I don’t even get to make a sound before I’m being shoved into someone and we’re falling to the floor.

I land with an oomph, just in time to hear the door close and the lock click.

“Iris?”

I’m sprawled on top of Sungjin, knees splayed over his thighs, and my nose hovering his chest. But at least I think he’s happy to see me?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: there's one paragraph (four sentences) in this chapter where Iris describes the video taken of her. It might be difficult to read for some readers, so please tread with caution. In summary, Iris is almost kissed while in a state unable to give/deny consent and a video was taken.

_Kiss him._

The voice in my head is not helping at all. I’m frozen on the spot. An aside, I’m glad I’m wearing jeans. I considered wearing dress and maybe doing something with my hair, but everything felt…not right. Like I was trying too hard. And I ended up overthinking it, I didn’t have enough time to do anything after all.

Sungjin lifts himself onto his elbows so now we’re almost nose to nose. As he tilts his head, his lips curve into a teasing smile. “Iris. Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You’re here.”

Never mind that his teammates conspired with Baek Ayeon and trapped us inside the storage room. I don’t care if it’s tradition, it’s embarrassing. For all we know, they’re all waiting behind the door and listening in. And if this gets out, it will only reinforce the idea that what I did then was all on me.

“Iris? What’s wrong?” Sungjin gently rolls us to the side and I topple off him. He sits up, raises his hands as if to say he won’t hurt me. He won't do anything. “It’s okay,” he soothes, “It’s just me. I won’t do anything.”

I still my panic, but only just so. “I know,” I breathe. “I know you won’t.”

He smiles gently. “I’m glad you’re here.”

The first person he sees after his weekend long intensive training. Despite my earlier fears, my stomach flutters. I point out the door. “I made food.”

Sungjin doesn’t even look away from me. “They’ve probably attacked it by now,” he sighs. “Ah, I was so excited to eat your food again. I guess I’ll just have to settle for you—I mean your company. You know, you here. Because we’re stuck here for a while.”

For a moment I’m too stunned to speak. Sungjin spoke so fast, stumbling over his satoori and ticking his head left and right. “Did you know? About this?”

Sungjin pushes himself against the far wall, leans back and stretches his legs. He crosses his ankles, then pats the space next to him. “I knew they were planning something. I’m sorry they scared you.”

I hesitate.

“Are you scared?” He leans forward, ready to get up and leave. The door is locked, though. What’s he going to do, break it down?

“No! I’m not scared.” I crawl next to him and mirror his position. Sungjin looks at me, all worried like it’s his fault. “I’m just a mess. I’m nervous.”

“What for?”

My hands ball into a tight fist on my lap. I know that last night the other girls were just teasing and trying to get me to talk about me and Sungjin. I don’t think they were being mean or nosey. I think it’s just a thing friends talk about. I know my sister talks about her relationships with her friends all the time, and sometimes she tells me these stories about the guys she’s dated too. When I was friends with Haneul, Hana, and Byul, they’d make it a competition. But it wasn’t like that with my new friends.

Ayeon is shy. She doesn’t open up easily and is usually quiet, but she’s very open about what she has with Brian. Jeongyeon and Jihyo shared their experiences too. I didn’t have much to share because I haven’t done much with anyone. I’ve never really been with a boy. Not even a real date.

If there’s one thing I remember my sister saying it’s that there are things you build up so much inside your head, you begin to think it’s this life-changing moment, when it just _is_. I think about this all the time, even when Sungjin kissed me the first time. I know it's not like the books or movies. But…

“Iris? Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Ayeon and the other girls told me about what happens in the storage room.”

A beat passes. “It’s…where the equipment is kept and where we dump all the other junk in the clubroom?”

I give him a pointed look. “The other thing that happens in the storage room.”

His lips press into a tight, albeit amused, smile. “Iris…”

“Don’t _Iris_ me.” I’m freaking out. “Seriously, Sungjin.”

He’s trying not to laugh because he knows laughing will annoy me, but he’s not very good at hiding his feelings at all. He rubs the top of his head. “Iris, we don’t have to…Do I have to keep reminding you that I promised you I won’t? I really won’t.”

 _You can if you want to,_ I almost say. Because I want him to want to. It’s scary, when it becomes more than just the one kiss. I’m scared that it might feel weird. But maybe I’m more scared that it will feel good. So good that I’ll like it so much. How am I supposed to askhim when I want it? I don’t even know if that’s a thing I can do. It’s a lot to think about.

“I know you won’t. But the others will think…did you know they already think that?”

He raises his brow. “That what?”

I shove him and he laughs. “You’re so annoying!”

Maybe for some people, it’s fair to think that because two people have been dating for a while they’ve done things with each other like make out or steal kisses in secret places or whatever. But it’s not necessarily always the case. It shouldn't be.

“I don’t care about what they think. If I care about what they think, I’ll just give myself a harder time. It’s already hard being captain.”

And class president, I want to add. He has so much on his plate already. No wonder he doesn’t want to deal with everything else that has nothing to do with academics and baseball. I hug my knees close to my chest. “I wish I can just stop thinking about what others think of me, too.”

Sungjin sways toward me, almost like he’s about to lean his head on my shoulder.I can smell his minty shampoo. “Think of me instead?”

“How is that going to help?”

He laughs and I think he really will use me as a leaning post. I want to remember him like this. When this is all over, I want to remember what it’s like to have his solid body leaning against me like this. “I’m a lot to think about? You won’t have time to think about anything else.”

When I glance at him, he already has his gaze fixed on me. He blinks, batting those unfairly long lashes at me. Looking at Sungjin is so difficult. He’s so beautiful. I can’t breathe.

He licks his lips. My heart tugs uncomfortably in my chest.

“I know I said I promised…”

I look away.

“Is it really not okay?” he asks, both deflated and disappointed.

I look around me, at the shelves and the dark shadows. A little light spills from the window illuminating the room, but it’s mostly dim. The memory creeps up on me, hazy images and flashes of scenes that feel dream-like. But the truth is, it’s more like a nightmare. One I haven’t stopped living in. “Have you seen my video?”

Sungjin’s jaw twitches. “No. I can tell you for sure, Brian hasn’t seen it. Jae hasn’t seen it. None of the regulars saw it. I know some of the other boys talked about it before, but I told them not to even look at it. Or even think about it.”

I’m sure he didn’t just _tell_ them not to watch it. But he did this before we even started faking? “Do you want to see it?”

His eyes grow wide, absolutely horrified by the idea. “No.”

“Aren’t you even just a little bit curious?”

Sungjin shakes his head more forcefully this time. “Why would I want to? After what it did to you?”

I shrug. “So you know exactly what happened?”

“I don’t need to see it to know what happened. I believe you.”

I pull out my phone from inside my coat pocket and pull up the video. Sungin is stubbornly staring me down to submission, but this is important to me. Reluctantly, he takes my phone and taps play.

The video is dark and grainy, taken in a dimly lit room. Mostly, you can only see shadows, moving figures, and hushed laughter in the background. A figure stumbles in, followed by another one. The first one is obviously not all there, maybe drunk, maybe something else. But the second figure, a guy, he’s steady as he walks up to the girl.

Sungjin’s hands begin to shake when he recognises me.

The rest of it goes like this: I hit a shelf and he follows. I try to get out—I know I was trying to get away—but he won’t let me. He tries to unbutton my uniform, but I raise my hands and try to push him away. He tries to kiss me, but I fall to the floor instead.

There’s not a lot much left in it, it’s about two minutes long and the rest is just more muffled laughter. Eventually, they get bored and leave, and I'm left there. I want to say you couldn’t even recognize me. And for the most part, I suppose it would be a stretch to even imagine it _was_ me. But of course people still found out anyway.

This is what they said: even when I was already laying there, no one wanted me. I could have literally thrown myself onto a boy, and he would still be absolutely disgusted by me.

Sungjin stops the video and drops my phone into my lap. He pulls his knees to his chest mashes his palms into his eyes. He’s breathing heavily. Then he stands up so abruptly he startles me. Sungjin paces across the small room, fists tightly clenched. A loud bang echoes in the storage room, and I look up to see Sungjin’s fist creating a dent on the metal file case.

“Why are they saying it’s your fault?” he seethes, “That guy was…” He takes a deep breath. “He was…” He presses all his weight against the cabinet. I’ve never seen him this angry before. “Who did this?”

“Haneul did,” I say, “She’ll deny it, but I can hear them laughing.” Because I lied about what experience I do have. Is it lying if you just let other people assume things about you? I didn’t deny anything they implied, and I was too afraid risking my spot at their table after trying so hard to fit in with them.

I take a deep breath. “They put it up on my channel. I have this Let’s Play channel…I had all my walkthroughs and game reviews and other stuff on it. But then they put that up. I saw the video when I woke up the following morning, deleted it, but it was too late. People saw it. People who followed my channel saw it. And…I just got so many weird messages I had to shut it down. Sammy helped. A lot. I don’t know for sure if there are any copies left, but it hasn’t come up again.”

I’m already last summer’s news, and maybe to other people they’ve completely forgotten about it, but I haven’t.

I stare at Sungjin’s back. “I know it’s weird I still have a copy, but it’s like my constant reminder.” To be careful To be watchful. To know that I really can’t trust people fully.

He pushes himself away from the cabinet and kneels in front of me. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

“For…everything.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“I could have.”

“You couldn’t have,” I argue gently. He can’t blame himself for something he had nothing to do with. “You didn’t know. You couldn’t have known. It's my fault.”

"It's not your fault. None of it is your fault." A part of me wishes he just left. That he somehow managed to open the door and leave me here. But Sungjin is still here. He’s not looking at me weird.

I tuck my chin against my knees. I look at him as if to say, this is the girl I am. This is my incident.

But Sungjin doesn’t look at me any different. Not really. On his face is the softest smile that brightens the mood. “Let’s get out of this stuffy place.”

He stands up and offers me his hand. I take it, and he lifts me up like I don’t weigh anything. I hold on to his hand, finding comfort in the feeling of safety. I don’t even care anymore about the letters or what he does with them. I wrap my arm around his arm and press myself against him in a side-hug.

“They’re not like that,” he assures me. “I won’t let them do anything to you.”

“I know.” I push myself up on tiptoes and kiss his cheek. “Thank you.” Then I take his hand, the one red at the knuckles and press a kiss there, too.

“Should I kick the door open?” he asks, way too happily.

“Won’t you get in trouble for that?”

“Yeah, but if I do that people will know better than to mess with you because they’ll have to get through me.”

I gently slap his arm. “Stop it. Maybe they’re just out there.”

But we don’t get to ponder more on that because we hear Jae, Brian, Ayeon, and Jeongyeon from the other side. It’s a sudden noise, like they just arrived. The door unlocks and Brian opens it wide.

“Welcome back,” he says, feline eyes crinkling into slits. “Thank you for the snack,” he says to me, “I enjoyed it very much. Now it’s time for the main course.”

We let the boys go to their special lunch with Coach Taec and their parents. It takes a while, but I’m happily enjoying myself with my new friends. We’re eating at the bleachers, Jihyo even brought cake. They don’t even tease me or ask about what happened inside the storage room. We're just talking. About anything and everything.

“Sungjin looked really happy to see you,” Jihyo says after someone mentions how difficult this year's training was. “I’ve never seen him this happy.”

“He’s a lot less grumpy,” Jeongyeon adds. “You’re good for him. I’m so glad we met you!”

“You make it sound like he’s such a terrible grump,” I say, ignoring their words. I can’t let myself believe them. After all, didn’t I tell him he should be more convincing? Even if we are friends now. Kind of. In a way, we’re friends, right?

“He is,” Ayeon pouts. “Brian’s always complaining about him. He loves him, but Sungjin is awful. But now he’s not. And it’s all thanks to you.”

I don’t dwell on their words, and I’m thankful the topic changes. More and more I feel burdened by this. I don’t want to lie to my new friends anymore, but what can I do?

The thought troubles me even after we’re done eating and meet up with the boys after their lunch. Ayeon points out Sungjin’s parents; Coach is talking to them looking very proud and happy about their son. They should all be so proud of him. I look for Sungjin and find him at the edge of the field where a table is set. Gifts and letters are on it—family only. But a few gifts from their fans slip away, and there’s a separate box for it.

Sungjin rummages through it and I see him go through the letters. He stops when he gets to a yellow envelope, the same kind I saw in his bag. He crushes it in his hands, but he shoves it in his pocket anyway. The rest of the pile he drops back into he box.

My stomach does that painful blip again, and I busy myself with helping Wonpil and Dowoon clean up. When Sungjin approaches me, I pretend to be surprised.

“Come meet my parents,” he says. Then he takes my hand and pulls me away.

Sungjin’s parents don’t even look surprised to see Sungjin dragging me toward them. They greet me warmly and thank me for bringing the team snacks. Does this mean Sungjin talks about me? How else would they know who I am?

“This is Iris,” Sungjin says. I’m about as nervous as he is comfortable. He shouldn’t look so proud introducing me to them. “My girlfriend.”

I zone out for a full second, but catch myself and greet his parents politely. The rest of the conversation and small talk goes over my head, and I really hope I’m not awkward or embarrassing. They let us go when they see Jae’s parents and go to talk to them.

“Why did you say that?” I ask Sungjin. I’m almost afraid my voice might be too loud because I can’t hear over my heartbeat.

“Your dad knows. Why shouldn’t my parents? Does your mom know? I’ve never met your mom?”

“Oh, well…” My thoughts are travelling a lightyears per second.

“I should meet her, right?”

“Okay.”

“After this, do you want to go somewhere? Arcade? Karaoke room? I don’t know. Anywhere? The garden?”

“Shouldn’t you rest?”

He pouts again. “Dinner at the restaurant?”

“Fine.” I can’t say no to him. I’m scared now when all this ends. I shouldn’t be scared. I shouldn’t feel anything at all. But even if a part of me hurts because of him, I can’t stay away.

I guess that’s just what you do when you love someone.


	13. Chapter 13

Jae is freaking out.

Today is the first game of the regional championships and Jae won’t stop fidgeting. Also he won’t shut up. For the past hour, he’s been mumbling while grinding down a square of dirt with the toe of his cleats. I’m starting to think he intends to bury himself six feet under.

I choke on a laugh at the image of a tuft of hair sprouting from the ground. Sungjin looks at me weird and I pass him his batting gloves. For a moment, I’m distracted by the way he puts on his gloves, sliding them over his knuckley hands, tugging them at the wrists, and strapping them firmly.

I hand him his bat and, when he holds on to it, I tug him closer. “Who knows,” I whisper, “Today might be the day.”

“I’m not worried. I’m worried about Jae, but I’m not worried about that.”

The lines around his eyes are hard even though his lips are smiling. He’s lying. Coach hasn’t put Sungjin on the field even once over the duration of the district games. Dowoon, their first year catcher, was a regular as soon as Sungjin recruited him. Wonpil is easily their best outfielder, and Brian their ace batter. Jae has someone from a university coming by to watch him for a potential scholarship, hence the freakout.

Sungjin is a good captain. That’s fact. Everyone will say so. Even Coach will preach this at the top of his lungs. But recently, Sungjin’s been feeling insecure as a player. He doesn’t say it, but he’s been conditioning and hitting the batting cages for hours at a time after school and on the weekends. And he’s been distracted. I’m not mad that we never got to go out on our date like he promised because more than that I want to be there for him. I want to somehow half his suffering. I just wish I knew how.

He slips on his helmet and starts warming up with Jaebum at the other end of the dugout. I watch them for a while before checking in on Jae again. Brian is running around with Wonpil, and Dowoon has joined Sungjin and Jaebum. I turn to Jimin who just shrugs at me.

“Jae,” I call out, “you know if all this doesn’t work out you can always just start a band and then a vlog. You already got the talking really loudly bit down.”

He laughs and scratches the back of his ear. His hands goes to his face to push his glasses up but he’s not wearing them today so ends up poking his eye. He doesn’t actually have to wear glasses, as it turns out. He just likes the feel of them on his face.

“You’re a really good player,” I tell him, “you’ve worked really hard. Didn’t you just beat your personal record the other day? You will do what you need to do today. It will be enough.”

When he drops his gaze, that’s when I know he hears what I’m saying.

“Not that you’re any good at the guitar and singing thing either, but you know,” Jimin teases, “it’s a viable fallback.”

That launches the two of them into their usual round of banter and I consider my job here done. Now I just need to work on my own nerves. I feel a weird prickle on the back of my neck and, when I look behind me, Rocket is staring at me. He jerks his chin at me, and I avert my eyes immediately.

I regroup with Ayeon, Jeongyeon, and Jihyo and we head on to the bleachers. “How nervous do I have to be?”

“Nervous,” Jeongyeon answers, making space for me to sit between her and Ayeon. “But, like, 51% optimistic.”

“Legit statistic,” Jihyo adds. She gestures toward the right side of the bleachers to an official looking man sitting next to a sporty woman. “That’s the scouting team. I heard they have a scholarship to give. Jae’s pretty much set if he gets this.”

“If he does, I can’t believe we’re still going to be in the same school,” Ayeon says, “it’s like the universe is conspiring to keep Brian and Jae together.”

That’s a lot of pressure. I haven’t even properly thought about what I’ll be doing after graduation. Sungjin and I don’t really talk about it like Ayeon and Brian. They’ve already decided to go to the same university. Different majors, but always just a heartbeat away. Sometimes it scares me how far into the future they’re planning but, when I imagine what it might be like with Sungjin, I think I understand what makes Ayeon and Brian so brave. I hope they make it. I hope Sungjin and I will still be friends once we decide what to do with our status.

From where we’re sitting, we get a view of our team’s bench and I watch as Sungjin gives his obligatory pre-game talk. He has his back turned to us, but I don’t need to see him. I only need to see the way his teammates are reacting to him to know how well he’s doing. They all stand confident but at the same time relaxed, and when they run out to the field I feel a surge of energy radiate all around them. In the fray, Jae grabs Sungjin and rubs his head. Sungjin just takes it—from Jae he almost always has no choice but take whatever it is—and settles at scowling at Jae’s back. Somehow this gives me a sense of calm as well, and I hope for the best.

 

***

 

Ayeon jumps right into Brian’s arms as soon as the officials have all left the field and no one cares if the rest of the students come running into it. Jeongyeon’s 51% optimism favoured us today. Sungjin didn’t get to play, but Jae outdid himself and Brian hit a home run.

Coach Taec takes Jae by the scruff and brings him to meet with the university people before I can congratulate him, but there’s time for that later. I hope they hold tradition and celebrate at the curry shop. It will make Sungjin feel better, I think. The rest of the team file into the locker rooms. Last I saw Sungjin, he was in the middle of their victory boy pile.

I catch Dowoon by the arm. “Where’s Sungjin?”

Dowoon’s eyes go wide first. Then slowly he looks around and then just shrugs at me. Then he turns to Wonpil.

“He was here just a moment ago,” Wonpil says. “Did he go somewhere?“

“His stuff is still here,” I say when I peek into the benches. “Are you sure you didn’t see him go somewhere?”

Wonpil asks one of the first years to run inside the lockers to check, but Sungjin isn’t there either. I let them get on with cleaning up. I wait a little longer, but Sungjin still doesn’t show up. Jae comes back just as all the boys have left to shower and I congratulate him before I ask him to bring out Sungjin’s bag so I can pack up his equipment for him. Jae just mutters something about the perks of having a girlfriend but does as I ask. I thank him and congratulate him again.

Sungjin’s regular clothes are still here so he’s still wherever he is wearing his baseball uniform. Just to be sure, I check for his phone but it’s not in it’s usual place. I call him and when he doesn’t answer I leave him a message. I don’t always expect a reply because he’s terrible at these things, but now would be a really good time for him to message me back.

“Jihyo and Jeongyeon are waiting outside, Jimin’s there too. They said they’ll ask around if anyone’s seen him.” Ayeon joins me on the bench. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“I know,” I say, “He’s just never run off like this before. What if there’s an emergency?”

“If there’s an emergency I think he’d tell Coach about it. Or Brian. Someone. The responsible thing.”

Will he? I don’t even know what Sungjin will do in the face of an emergency. Will he try to fix it himself or will he call for help? What constitutes an emergency for Sungjin Park?

To keep my mind away from any unwarranted scenarios, I pack up Sungjin’s things exactly as he does. I’ve watched him meticulously arrange his belongings more times than I’m expected to. He’ll probably be mad at me because he doesn’t like it when people touch his stuff, but what can I do?

“What’s wrong?” Ayeon asks.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been quiet. Also you’ve been staring at the inside of his bag for a minute.” She moves forward to look inside. “Is there something wrong?”

“It’s nothing. I’m just worried about him.” Now I feel silly. What was I expecting to find inside? In the first place, I shouldn’t even be _looking._ The most I can do is make sure he has his gloves, his mitt, and his bat put in their proper places. I zip up his bag. I didn’t look, but why do I still feel guilty?

Ayeon makes Brian carry Sungjin’s bag and we meet up with the others by the official team bus. They go ahead and take their seats, saying they’ll make sure Coach doesn’t notice—or if Coach already has, they’ll find a way to distract him. I tell them I’ll stay outside just a little longer to wait for Sungjin.

“Still no Captain?” Jeongyeon asks when she sees me. She’s already halfway inside the bus, hanging by the edge of the door.

“You haven’t seen him either?” I look back down at my phone. Nothing.

Wonpil, who is helping Dowoon and the other first years load the bigger equipment into the compartment, sees Sungjin first and calls out to him. Sungjin is running toward us from the other side of the stadium. He skids to a stop, slightly out of breath.

“You guys are done already?” he asks, looking around.

I search him for any sign that he’s hurt or in trouble. He looks…normal. Flushed from all that running, but otherwise normal.

“Bro, where were you?” Jae asks, poking his head out of the bus window. “Wonpil totally face-planted on the screen door and you missed every glorious second of it.”

“I did not!” Wonpil whines, looking up at Jae. “Stop making stuff up!”

“I have videographic evidence!” Jae shoots back, “this is so totally going into the Highlights.”

From the window behind Jae, Brian yells, “You made your girlfriend pack up your things. That’s a foul, Captain. How could you!”

As if I’m an afterthought, Sungjin turns to me. “You didn’t have to do that.”

My hearts weighs heavy in my chest and I feel lightheaded but I can’t explain why. Sungjin’s tone isn’t cold at all. It just sounds like the way he talks to Brian. Or Jae. Or Wonpil. Or Dowoon. “Jimin is on a schedule,” I say. “I’ll go inside now, she’s already taking attendance.”

I should have made him go inside before me because now I don’t know where I’m supposed to sit. This morning, we sat together with the assumption that we’re sitting together on the way back as well. But now I don’t know if I want to sit with him for even just an hour and thirty minutes. There’s still space in the back, but that’s where all the first years are. Rocket leans toward the centre aisle, and when he looks at me it sends a chill right down my spine.

I take my seat across Brian and Ayeon and behind Jae who has an aisle all to himself. I take the window seat and promptly stare out the window to wait for Sungjin. He doesn’t take long, he’s already right next to me before I’m even settled in. Jimin takes one last lap around the bus counting heads, Coach gives his congratulatory message, and then we’re off.

It’s loud inside the bus at first, everyone is still so wired from their win and eager to share what their plans are for the rest of the night. Coach decides to take the team out to a special dinner somewhere else, and the agreement is mostly unanimous. Mostly, because I’m feeling a little salty we’re deviating from tradition. I don’t voice that out, however. I’m not even part of the team, although I’ve been absorbed by the extension committee. It didn’t even take much to convince Coach Taec. He’s too concerned about a group of girls travelling by themselves to away games like this. And he likes the snacks we leave for him.

Sungjin, though, is quiet next to me. For another ten minutes, we sit in terse silence.I’ve put in my earphones, but I’m not really listening to anything. Another ten minutes pass. Then another. The bus is silent now, save for a few bits of hushed conversation. Brian and Ayeon are asleep, all cozy. Jae has his headphones on and his hood up. The bus lights are dimmed.

Sungjin nudges my elbow then presses his arm against me. With his head close to mine he asks in a low voice, “Do I stink?”

“You’re fine.”

I watch him from the corner of my eye as he pulls his uniform to his nose. Then he reaches for his drawstring bag from under the seat in front of him and pulls out an extra shirt. Quietly, he twists himself out of his uniform shirt and it rides up his side I catch a flash of skin. I don’t know where to look now that Sungjin is stripped down to his white undershirt. I face the window, but I see his reflection. I look down at my knees but I can still see him. Unless I close my eyes, there is no way I won’t see this, but I will hear the shuffle of his movements, feel the slight changes in the air, the brush of his elbows against me.

Sungjin pulls on a regular shirt over his head and then does a complicated set of moves that involves taking off his undershirt while putting on his regular shirt. He ends with a huff. After he neatly folds his used clothes and stores them in his bag, he leans back into his seat, adjusting so his back is comfortable. After a minute, he offers me his hoodie. “Cold?”

I’m wearing a denim jacket so I just gesture at it.

“Is that enough?”

I really, really, want to take his hoodie because it’s cold and because it’s his, but I don’t do that. But I also don’t want to be mad at him and I don’t want this to keep up. “You should apologise to Jimin,” I say instead. “The team was waiting for you.”

“One of the guys on the other team was a friend of mine from Busan, back in elementary school. I didn’t know he moved here so I went to say hi.”

“You don’t have to tell me that.” I say it like the way he said I didn’t have to pack his things for him. Because he’s right. I didn’t have to. And he doesn’t have to explain anything if he doesn’t want to. At least, that’s what my sister always says. She says it’s something Mom taught her when she started dating.

“Were you worried about me?”

At any other time the lilt in his voice is enough to make me give in and do whatever he wants, like give him the last piece of chicken. Or just take his hoodie and use him as a human pillow. Not tonight. “You’re the team captain, you can do whatever you want. Just think of how you would be when suddenly you’re missing one of your teammates and you don’t know where they are. On official game day.”

“Team captain,” he sighs bitterly. “Right.”

I want him to talk to me because he wants to, but he’s just keeping it all in. I can’t force him the same way I can’t force myself to stop caring. I let a moment pass. Sungjin watches me, and I watch his reflection on the window.

I rest my head on his shoulder and he relaxes into me. My hands are on my lap and he tentatively brushes his knuckles against mine. I turn my hand over and our fingers lock together like they were made to fit with each other.


	14. Chapter 14

The second game is against St. Joseph’s, St. Mary’s brother school and, as I now know, our school’s rival. St. Joseph’s, like St. Mary’s, is an exclusive school but for boys. They get all the fancy equipment and get trained by fancy foreign and local coaching teams. Last year, our team lost to them twice costing us our chance to compete for Nationals. This year, there’s a sore spot there and tensions are high leading up to this point. Sungjin and the team are out on the field for their practice session, and I’ve never seen them this somber.

“I don’t want to hear the game stats right now,” I say as Jeongyeon sits next to me. “I don’t think I can handle it.”

Ayeon, Jeongyeon, and Jihyo have been feeding me information and teaching me about the rules. Sungjin tries his best to explain things to me, but I can’t really focus when he’s talking so happily. Besides, his metaphors are the worst.

“I had a feeling I should have been doing something else last time. My gut was telling me something. I should’ve spied on St. Joseph’s game. I should have double-checked the schedules.”

“St. Joseph’s was playing last time?”

Jeongyeon nods. “Yeah, they were at the other field across the stadium. Apparently there was a mis up in venue and schedule for two of the other schools so the board say different. St. Joseph’s got moved and that’s where they were. If I knew that before, I would have taken videos of their game or something. I should have checked for spies, damn it.”

I look around now and notice the familiar green tartan, both skirts and pants. “St. Mary’s is here too.”

“Yeah, for moral support. They always bring the biggest crowds.”

I don’t like the way things are clicking in my head. “You couldn’t have known that they were there.” Sungjin couldn’t have known either. Could he?

“I should have known. I feel like I failed my mission.”

“No, of course not. Don’t think that way.” Yet I feel like my own words are empty platitudes. Being so new to this team, is it possible I don’t understand the gravity of this situation? “Oh, no. What can I do?”

“No. You’re right.” She breathes out a laugh. “We just have to keep moving forward. I just hate that we’re against St. Joseph’s so early in the first round. But we’ve trained for this. We can do this.”

This tournament only has two rounds double-elimination style, and the team has to win at least five or six times to qualify for the summer tournament. _The_ Summer Tournament. “If we lose this round, what happens?”

“We can’t afford to lose another one. St. Joseph’s murders all their opponents with a clean all-win record. Even if we manage to win all our remaining matches, we’re still likely to meet with St. Joseph’s again at the second round.”

Jeongyeon drums her fingers nervously on her knees. “Jihyo and Ayeon are scouting the competition. Why am I so nervous?”

Now I’m even more a wreck than before. “Are they going to be okay?”

Jeongyeon nods, “Oh yeah. We’ve done this before. Okay. Let’s not worry. Not worrying starts now.”

“Captain’s words. Worrying is twice the suffering.”

I watch the practice round until the end, unable to stop worrying the entire time over Sungjin’s foul balls and Jae’s nervous pitches. Wonpil’s usually sunny disposition is replaced by an expressionless cold facade and I haven’t seen Brian laugh. I don’t think Dowoon’s moved in the last fifteen minutes. Even Coach Taec doesn’t look right; none of his toothy grins and dad jokes.

I don’t want to distract Sungjin or say the wrong thing to Jeongyeon, so after the practice session ends I excuse myself to go find a vending machine. I circle around the outer loop searching for a vending machine that’s far enough so I have enough time to calm down and to tire myself from worrying more. I pass by a few girls from St. Mary’s in their uniforms and other girls wearing casual attire. Some of them are carrying coffees. I didn’t even know they have coffee carts here.

In the end, I get myself a bottle of water and walk back to the bleachers. I run into Sungjin on the way back. He’s stripped of his gear. It’s just Sungjin in his uniform and his baseball cap. I hate how handsome he is. Even with grass stains and dirt on his clothes, it only makes him look even cooler. He’s waiting under a tree, near the entrance to the stadium. Every now and then someone stops to greet him, it’s a variety of people. Even some of the girls from St. Mary’s greet him by name. Like they’re old friends.

My heart hurts from thudding so hard in my chest.

I walk up to him. “Waiting for an old friend?”

He looks at me, confused. Then he connects the dots and he’s just shaking his head at me, amused. “Jeongyeon said you went out to look for a vending machine.”

I lift the water bottle in my hand.

Sungjin points behind him. Tucked behind the restrooms are a line of vending machines full of beverages. “There’s four of them over there.”

“I took the scenic route.”

He twirls his phone in his hand. Tilts his head and smiles. “I was calling you.”

I pat my pockets. “I don’t have my phone. I must have left it with Jeongyeon?” I don’t know why I’m in a mood to argue today. Now is not the time for this.

_Iris, pull yourself together. The game is more important than your feelings._

“I was nervous so I took a walk,” I tell him. And it’s the truth. “Jeongyeon says this is a really important round for the team.”

“It is,” he says, “that’s why I was looking for you.”

A group of St. Mary’s girls pass by us. Both Sungjin and I are distracted for a moment, both of us, I’m sure, are looking for the same face in the crowd. I slap him playfully in the chest. Like how I would Jae or Sammy. Like a friend. That’s what Sungjin needs right now. A friend.

“Come on. Let’s get you back in the game, Captain.”

Sungjin grabs my hand. “Wait. I wanted to talk to you.”

“Now? You have, like, thirty minutes or something before the game starts!” I lunge forward in an effort to get him moving. “Let’s get you back before Coach Taec suffers a heart attack.”

“Iris.”

I twist around and try to pull him forward, but he’s too strong.

“Iris.” All it takes is one sharp tug from him and I’m in his space again. “I need to tell you something.”

“Can’t it wait?” I’m staring at our hands, at the way his fingers curve around mine.

“No.” Even without the word, Sungjin’s eyes say it all. He’s looking at me like I’m there. Like we’re not in the middle of a busy walkway in the middle of an official game in the middle of a stadium. “I can’t wait.”

“You know if an official or an umpire sees you you might get in trouble.”

Laughter dances in his eyes. “Why would I get in trouble?”

“I don’t know I just made that up.”

His shoulders shake as he laughs. “Iris…”

“You keep Iris-ing me, should I be nervous?” I step back again, and with two hands yank him to move. Unexpectedly, Sungjin let’s me pull him. I drag him all the way back to the entrance of the dugout. When we get there, Dowoon greets me with a slow clap.

Dowoon, so random this kid.

I move behind Sungjin and push him inside. “Go. Go do your best.” I’m saying it to his back. His broad, solid back. “You’re the hardest worker I know. You train harder than anyone else on this team and you’ve earned every bit of love and respect given to you. You will go to there and play your best game. I’m trying not to be nervous, but I am. I’m so scared and I can’t imagine how you must feel like—“

The rest of my speech is drowned in Sungjin’s embrace.

“Thank you for being here,” he says into my ear. He squeezes me tight and I feel all the air leave my body. “Iris—“

“Captain Sungjin you really need to go,” I blurt out. My face is so hot.

He just laughs as he lets me go, hands lingering on my waist. “Okay, okay. I’ll go, Captain Iris.”

He takes two steps forward before he’s swivelling back toward me. He pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Can you hold on to this for me?”

“I’ll put it in your bag.”

He starts walking backward. “No, you hold on to it.”

I don’t want to hold on to it. The same way I don’t want to hold on to Sungjin.

After he’s gone, I walk into the locker rooms. It’s empty, thankfully, and locate Sungjin’s bags. I slip his phone into the secret pocket inside the main compartment. I don’t even look inside.

I don’t have to look inside. Tucked into the left mesh side pocket, is another yellow envelope.

 

***

 

St. Joseph’s wins.

The bus ride back to school is quiet. Before the team goes their separate ways, Coach Taec reminds them that the tournament is not over. They still have a chance next round. What’s important is to keep moving forward and to fight until the very last. Then he lets Sungjin say something before they’re officially dismissed.

“Let’s practice some more,” Sungjin says, “Let’s work harder. It’s not the end yet, like Coach said. What else? Let’s just keep fighting? Seriously, guys. We’re used to losing. That’s never stopped us before. We’re okay.”

“So motivational!” Jae teases. But the atmosphere is lighter. One disappointment is not enough to get them so down they can’t get back up.

“Say something cheesy,” Brian tosses in. “Something really moving. Dig deep, Cap.”

“I love you, Captain,” adds Wonpil.

Sungjin just walks away now and the team disperses from the clubroom to find their way home. Coach insists that we all head on home before him, so for the first time in a long while Sungjin isn’t the last to leave.

“I’ll make you dinner,” I tell him as he prepares his things on his way home. “We can go to the restaurant. Are you hungry? Can you wait?”

He smiles as he slings his bag over his shoulder. “Ah, you still have my phone.”

“No, I don’t. It’s in your bag. Inside its special compartment.”

Sungjin retrieves his phone. The letter isn’t in the mesh pocket anymore. It hasn’t been there since bus ride. That’s not important right now. What’s important is Sungjin.

“You didn’t look at it, did you?”

“No.” I start walking. “Is this a test? Are you testing me right now? I didn’t look at your phone. I don’t go through other people’s stuff.”

He rolls his eyes and gently slaps my arm with his phone. “Here. Look. You were supposed to look.”

Slightly annoyed, I take it and tap on the home button. I shove the phone back to his chest. “You’re so annoying!”

It’s my face. Sungjin’s lock screen is my face. It’s a photo from one of our study sessions in the library. I remember because I was so bored with History I started rapping the bullet points. It was terrible. Sungjin’s was better and he didn’t let me live it down. We had to cover our mouths from laughing too loud so the librarian wouldn’t kick us out.

It’s hard remembering that moment without the confusing feelings in my chest. Now that my feelings for him have changed, the ease of our pretending is gone.

“What?” he laughs. “it’s my good luck charm.”

“Not very a good one,” I answer. “You should’ve just let Jae rub your head for luck again.”

He makes a face. “Not good luck charm.” He gives me a sidelong glance. “Something else.”

“How are you?” I ask, once we’ve established a walking rhythm. “Really.”

“I don’t know.” Even if it’s still light out, I can’t see his eyes because of his cap and his hands are shoved inside his pockets.

“I guess that’s a real feeling.” When my video came out I was numb too. I didn’t know how to begin feeling anything because there was too much. “You did well today.”

It takes a while before Sungjin answers. “I’m not upset because I get to play and we didn’t win. That happens. It’s just that today it really hit me that this might be the last baseball meet of my high school career. If we don’t make it to Nationals, this is it for me and the other seniors on the team.”

”That’s a lot of pressure.”

We pass by the bus stop and keep walking. “I’m the team captain. They’re relying on me. Every time we’re out on the field, I have to keep everything under control. Make sure each member knows what they’re doing, that everyone’s accounted for, that no one’s trying to maul each other. We play to win. Coach is relying on me, too.”

“There are twenty people on the team. You know the burden is not yours alone to carry. You have classes and college applications and so many things going on. That’s a lot to carry.”

We cross the street and the tops of the jungle gyms and the slides greet us over the bushes. Sungjin continues, “No matter the outcome of this tournament, Jae already has a future set. He’s going to keep playing on a scholarship. Brian is smart, he’s planning on going to business school. I don’t know if baseball will still be in the picture, but that will always be an option for him. I’m not as good as they are. I know that.”

I follow the cobblestone path into the playground. Sungjin always appears so confident and strong, hearing him talk about his insecurities breaks my heart. “That’s not true. You have something they don’t have. The team works so well because you all bring different strengths. You’re also a really good player. You’re good at what you do. You’re a great captain. They listen to you because they trust your strengths.”

He shrugs off his bag and sets it on the ground. “They listen because I have a loud voice.”

“Because they respect you. You’ve earned it.” I drop into a swing and Sungjin takes the other one. “It’s hard believing in yourself, but it counts more when it gets difficult and you have to keep telling yourself one more day.”

“Is that what you tell yourself?” Sungjin sits on the swing next to me.

I push myself and lift off. “Before this year, I counted off the days until I can leave high school. I couldn’t wait to get out. Now I feel like I’m counting off the days I’m still here, hoping I have enough.”

His gaze lingers on me. Sungjin smiles. “It doesn’t have to end after high school.”

“Your words, not mine.” I swing my legs, but no matter how I tuck myself into the seat, the bottoms of my shoes still drag along the sand.

He laughs, letting his own words sink in. “I want to win.”

“I want you to win.”

“I don’t want to just sit on the bench and be someone’s backup.”

“You’re the team captain.” But as I say that I realize that he might not be talking about the team lineup. I stare at the trees. At the purple sky and dark grey clouds.

Is he going to fake break up with me now? So he can fully be someone’s first choice instead of whatever it is we are. I don’t want to let him go just yet. I don’t want to count down the days we have left. I want to count the days we can to look forward to. I’m sorry, Sungjin. I also want to win.

“I still owe you a date,” he says suddenly.

I skid to a stop.

“I’m sorry we didn’t get to go before all this.”

“No, it’s fine. This is more important that that. I can wait.” I feel all the blood rush to my head. I get up before this conversation turns into something else. “Let’s go. I’ll make you dinner.”

I reach out for his hand.

He curls his fingers around mine. Stands up. “Earlier today, I told you—“

“You don’t have to thank me.” All that I do, I do because I want to. For him.

“That’s not what I wanted to say. Well, it’s one of the things I wanted to say.”

But I’m flashing back to yellow envelopes and green tartan skirts. I hold my chin up and smile. Until the very last moment we have, I will smile. “Save it for another day.”

His eyes grow wide, puzzled.

I don’t like being stuck in this place, but what can I do? “We still have time. Let’s save some things for later? Baseball first. Focus on baseball first.”

“Your call, Captain.”

It’s selfish. But the way Sungjin is looking at me? I just want to preserve this beautiful moment forever.


	15. Chapter 15

I’m watching the baseball team’s morning run through the window next to my seat when Haneul comes. I ignore her standing there, watching me watch Sungjin. I can’t believe for a long time I thought what we had was friendship. I realize now what real friends are supposed to do and how it really feels like not having to be a certain kind of way just to fit in. That doesn’t mean I’m still not scared of her. Not after what she did to me.

Because of her, I’m so afraid of trusting anyone completely. Even friends who I know in my head won’t hurt me. I feel myself running away from everything because my body can’t forget what happened. My head may not have been there, but something inside me remembers.

Every time someone looks at me, every time a boy looks at me, I can’t help but think of that video. I can’t help but think of all the messages I received on my channel because of it.Of what they wanted to see. Of the things they said they wanted to do to me. No matter where I go, a dastardly darkness follows me because I let someone do this to me.

Haneul doesn’t say anything, and I make the mistake of looking up at her. Her face contorts into that that pinchy smile. She knows something I don’t. Something she can and will use against me. Right now she’s holding back, but she’s clearly showing me her cards and what kind of play she will use.

“Oh, Iris,” she says, finally.

I feel a chill down my spine.

“We used to be friends so let me look out for you one last time.”

 _Let me look out for you._ Haneul’s magic words. In the past, I would have done anything to hear her say that. To have someone look out for me. Friends to take care of me. I just wanted someone to notice me.

“You know he’s just using you, right?” she says, looking down at me from over her shoulder. “Oh, Iris. Do you know what they’re saying?”

Of course, I know what they’re saying. They’ve all made assumptions based on the video Haneul sent out, as if that’s a reflection of any truth. There are several circles and layers to the high school grapevine, and it’s the deep dark corners that drown you in lies that have spiralled out of control.

“You’re doing so well, I’d hate to see all that effort go to waste.”

I just want her to leave. “What do you want?”

She pulls out her phone and starts tapping at it. “He’s using you, you know.”

I know that. I’m using him too. “Thanks for telling me.”

Haneul raises a brow at me. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

I think I’m well capable of doing that all by myself. “I really appreciate your concern.”

“You’ve changed.”

I don’t know what to say. Or do. Why did she have to corner me while I’m sitting here? I can’t do anything else but squirm under her gaze.

“Well.” She steps away from the window. “I think he got what he wanted from you anyway. I’m telling you now. You should probably end it before he does. So you have the upper hand. That’s what you like, right? You’re always the one to walk out. Like you did with us.”

May nails curl into my palms and I hold my fists tightly under my desk. Everything’s just coming back to haunt me now in the worst ways. What does Haneul know? I can’t ask. She wants me to ask. She knows she has me hooked.

She gives me on last look and walks away. When she’s gone from my sight, I know for sure it’s always the one who leaves first who wins.

 

***

 

Sammy walks me to the field after we’re done doing our homework at the library. He and Jae have plans, and I don’t want to know what it is they’re up to. It’s strange enough they’ve become friends. Sammy says it’s because Brian is busy with a girlfriend so Jae has no one else to bother. I think it’s just because they’ve found another person just as weird as they are.

Will they stop being friends with each other because of me? Or is it just me that’s going to get kicked out of the group again? Especially after I tell Sungjin that maybe we should stop now. But I can’t do that now, can I? Not in the middle of the playoffs. I promised him I won’t add to his burdens. Or is that it? Is breaking up with him one less burden off his shoulders?

Should I have let him tell me what he wanted to say? Am I more afraid of hearing say he likes me than I am of hearing him say he wants nothing to do with me?

“Iris!”

I look up and see Jae jogging toward us.

“Perfect timing. Let’s go.” Jae hasn’t changed out of his uniform yet and he’s gesturing at me to follow him back to the main building. “Come on, it’s important.”

I search the field for Sungjin but it’s Jimin who’s barking out instructions at the team. Sungjin is nowhere to be found. “What happened?”

Jae hurries me along. “Cap’s at the disciplinary office. I’ll explain along the way.”

“What happened?” I struggle to keep up with Jae’s long legs, my bag bouncing on my back as I jog after him. I can’t even begin to think about what could summon him there. Sungjin is a model student. Did someone do something to him? “Is Sungjin in trouble? Is he okay?”

“Sort of,” Jae answers. “I mean he’s fine. Coach went with him. I am positive it won’t end up with getting him kicked out of the team.”

“Kicked off the team?” We cross the grounds and head into the walkway toward the offices. “What happened?”

Between snickers, Jae manages to say, “Cap sent a foul ball flying into Rocket’s nuts. It was awesome.” Jae’s voice is so loud a few students turn their heads and start whispering.

“He did what?” I grab Jae’s elbow to slow him down, but I only get dragged behind him. These boys really need to learn how to walk slower.

“Yeah, well it was a long time coming if you ask me. I’m surprised Cap didn’t go whack him with a bat instead. Or knock his teeth out with a cross-jab—he’ll make a good boxer—”

I cut him off. “Jae, what happened? What did Rocket do?”

We climb up the stairs and file into the narrow hallway to the disciplinary office. “Rocket’s a creep, is what Rocket did. He was talking about you, commenting how…” Jae shudders. “Ugh. Ick. He was being gross, and Cap being team captain couldn’t really do anything so he’s just ignoring Rocket and telling him to shut up. I was telling him to shut up. Bri was telling to shut up. Everyone was like Rocket shut up. But then he went too far so when Cap stepped up to the plate, I was like signalling fastball, and Cap was signalling like yeah I can hit that, and then he did and you know Cap and his batting accuracy and Rocket was totally not paying attention on third base of all places so yeah. Fastball to his nuts. It was pretty awesome. Really impressive. Everyone felt that. Like, damn.”

“Jae, what?”

“Cap was defending your honour,” Jae concludes, “like the upstanding citizen he is.”

I’m still in a state of shock. Sungjin did that for me? We sit together on the plastic chairs lining the wall, and not even a minute in Jae starts jiggling his knees. I stay quiet, fidgeting with the hem of my skirt.

Jae wraps an arm around me in assurance. “If it wasn’t him it was bound to be one of us. We hate Rocket. And nobody talks about you like that. But Cap gets to be the one to break his nose. I really wanted to see Cap break his nose.”

“Try not to get in trouble in the middle of playoffs,” I remind him. “Don’t go breaking anyone’s noses. Even if they deserve it.”

The door to the office opens slowly, and Sungjin steps outside. His cap is crushed in his hands, and he’s looking like he’s received a good scolding. Still with an arm around me, Jae pulls us up. With his free arm, he presents me with a flourish.

Sungjin looks up.

Our eyes lock, and he breaks into a slow smile. My heart beats faster and faster. I’m weak in the knees. I can’t move. What am I supposed to say? Sungjin steps forward, and when he calls my name, _this_ is the moment everything changes. He isn’t just Sungjin, team captain, anymore. He’s Sungjin. My Sungjin.

He is so much more.

My throat catches when he steps forward and unlatches me from Jae to pull me into a hug. My heart pounds furiously, and I’m embarrassed, because I know he feels it. We break apart, and I stagger backward. He catches me before I crash into Jae.

“Did you get into a lot of trouble?” I ask.

Sungjin shakes his head. “It was an accident.” It wasn’t an accident. His eyes are too expressive and they’re saying he has no regrets and he’s happy he did what he did. “Coach is in there though, defending my choice to kick Rocket out of the team.”

“In the middle of the season?” My brain goes through the logistics. “Who’s going to sponsor your bus? Everything else? Rocket—“

“He’s out of the team. That’s final.”

“Aw man, can I break the news to the rest of the team?” Jae pleads. He put this hands together. “Please, Cap? Can I do it? Please?”

Sungjin lets Jae get what he wants, and we watch him happily bounce down the stairs. We follow after him in a much slower, steadier pace. I haven’t been this nervous around Sungjin since the day I confronted him after announcing we were dating. The day he kissed me. I remember our kiss and my face heats up. My thoughts are tangled and my tongue is tied, my stomach is somewhere here in knots. What do I say to him now?

“Don’t worry about the team,” he says after a minute. “We’ll be okay.”

The nerves ease up a bit. “This can’t be the last tournament of your high school baseball career.”

“It won’t be,” he assures me.

“You have to make it to Nationals.” I quicken my pace so we’re not walking shoulder to shoulder. I can’t think like this. “It’s important to you.”

Sungjin pulls me back by my bag. “And so are you.”

I don’t look at him. I can’t. If I look at him, I’ll end up confessing I might love him, and that scares me. Me? Important to him? The thought sends me spiralling into a panic.

He steps in front of me and places both his hands over my shoulders. He tries to catch my eyes but I don’t let him. “And even if we forfeit the rest of the games—which we won’t—I can’t let creeps like him stay on the team. Not after what he said about you.”

“People say things about me all the time.”

“Not to my face. I couldn’t do anything before, but I can do something about it now. If I hear anyone else talk about you like that, I’ll make them regret it. I won’t let them do that to you anymore.”

“Thank you,” I sniff, holding back tears. I won’t cry in front of him like this.

“All okay there, Captain?”

More than okay.

Before Sungjin and I make it back to the field, I pull him by his sleeve to their lockers behind the clubroom. He makes a surprised, but excited sound, and he’s grinning ear to ear. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is I feel like I’m about to explode. But first, we need to get somewhere we won’t get any unwanted attention.

I’ll worry about Haneul later. Maybe I’ll even talk to Sungjin about it. That’s the right and proper thing to do, isn’t it? We’re supposed to talk to each other. Be open and honest.

But we’re not alone when we get to the lockers.

Jiyeon jumps back when she sees us, gasping out loud and clutching her heart. Something falls out of her hands. Something familiar. It’s the same yellow envelope that’s been haunting me since its discovery. Sungjin stiffens next to me.

Jiyeon calmly picks up the letter and dusts it off. She walks over to Sungjin, completely ignoring me. Like I’m just air. Invisible Iris. She hands the letter to Sungjin. “Sara wants you to have this. She also said St. Joseph’s playing in the same stadium next game too. She said she’ll wait for you again if you want to see her.”

Sungjin doesn’t answer Jiyeon, but he does take the letter.

Before Jiyeon leaves, she takes one look at me. It’s a fleeting glance, but all she needs to say is there. I've been replaced by someone better. More useful. Haneul must have known all along. Even though Haneul’s intentions were to hurt me, I should have asked her this morning. It could have saved me all this confusion I’m feeling right now.

Sungjin doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t need to.

 


	16. Chapter 16

It’s that feeling of numbness all over again.

“Iris?”

 _Again_. The word echoes in my ears. What did Jiyeon mean by “again”?

“I wanted to talk to you about this the other day,” he says quietly. He’s looking down at his hands. At the letter crushed between his fingers. A part of me wants to know what it says, but another part of me just wants to tear it into pieces and burn it to ashes.

Was that what he wanted to tell me the other day? Was he thanking me for being a good fake girlfriend because he got what he wanted? What did Sungjin really want out of this? Did he lie about why he wanted to pretend to date me? How long has he been seeing this girl? He looked so happy, for a moment I deluded myself into thinking he was going to say he likes me. Finally, I thought that I can tell him I think I’m falling in love with him without fear.

“But I didn’t let you, so it’s my fault.”

Because that’s how it always is. If I let people do things to me, it’s my fault. The opposite is also true. By not letting Sungjin say what he wanted to say, I’m here in this situation now. This hurts more than what Haneul did. So much more. It hurts in ways I could never have imagined.

A tear slips down my face and I swipe it away with the back of my hand. “I guess I must not be very effective if you’re still getting those. Even after all this time.”

“No. Iris…” Sungjin’s shoulder slump forward in a way I’ve never seen before either. His brows are drawn together and his entire face is sullen.

I can’t think.

“That time, the first game, I—“

“Hey,” I try to sound nonchalant. “It’s fine. I’m not really your girlfriend, remember?”

He has the audacity to look hurt. “This can’t wait until after the playoffs anymore. Let’s talk? Please?”

I should let him. This is my chance and his. We should really go somewhere else now and have this conversation because it is important and now is the best time. I’m sure we can go out there and look normal. Like my heart isn’t breaking.

But right now, it hurts too much to look at Sungjin. To know that all this time, I was never even close to being his first choice. “Sorry. I’m tired. I’m going to go home. I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll talk some other time, okay?”

Half of me wants to stay. To wrap my arms around him and make him say that it’s not what I’m thinking. And it might be true. But the stronger part of me is the same part that sees the world as a scary place that can't be trusted.

I walk away.

Sungjin calls out after me again but I don’t look back. I just keep walking. I run into the whole team as I’m leaving, and everything they say goes over my head. Suddenly, there’s just too many people around me and I can’t breathe.

“Iris?”

I look up and find Brian’s worried gaze. He looks over my head, and based on the expression on his face he already has an idea what just happened. Eyes bouncing between me and Sungjin, he panics.

“Are you okay?” he asks. Ayeon appears next to him and repeats his question.

I don’t know what to say.

Ayeon shoves Brian toward the direction of the dugout. “What happened?”

“I just want to go home,” I tell her.

“You can call me anytime you need to, okay? It doesn’t matter what time it is. I’m here for you.”

I smile at her, but even I can feel how weak it is. “Thank you.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“I just want to be alone for a while.”

Ayeon nods in understanding. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Let’s sit together at lunch.”

I say something like ‘okay’ or ‘see you’ and leave. On my way home, I can’t decide if being found out about a made-up life is worse than making it real and suffering the consequences. When I get home, I don’t even wash up or eat dinner. I just go straight to bed, curl up with my pillow, and cry myself to sleep.

 

***

 

The following morning, Haneul smiles at me when I walk into the classroom. I ignore her, because what’s the point? I’m sure she already knows what happened, if she didn’t orchestrate the entire thing herself. Suddenly, it feels like the whole class knows because they’re all looking at me again and whispering. This isn’t new. I’ve been at their mercy once before and I’m too tired to fight back now.

Sungjin keeps glancing at me throughout the morning period but I can’t look at him. I know I have to talk to him eventually, but when lunch rolls around I slip out of the classroom before everyone else. I hope Sammy’s not in the mood for the cafeteria today. Lately, he’s been having lunch with us and hanging out more with Jae than with me.

As I’m walking toward his classroom, however, I get tackled from behind by Ayeon. “There you are! Let’s go eat lunch. I’m starving.”

And that’s how I get dragged back to the one place I’d rather not be. Ayeon is not talking about Sungjin, though. She’s talking about that science project Ms. Sunye assigned to the whole grade. Jae joins us as he’s striding out of their classroom—he and Ayeon are in the same class. Then when we get to our usual table, Sammy slips into Sungjin’s usual spot next to me. Group by group, more students come in until I hear the familiar hum of lunchtime.

And then…nothing.

Nothing else happens. My friends start bringing out their lunches, Jae and Sammy get back from the lunch line with no further incident, and even though someone from the table behind me is asking her friends if it’s true Sungjin and I are breaking up nothing else happens.

“Should I really be sitting here?” I softly ask. Discreetly, I look around me and find Sungjin and Brian sitting with Jaebum and Jinyoung a few tables away.

“Where else are you sitting?” Ayeon answers. I get the feeling they already talked about their contingency following the incident. “I’m not going to let you sit alone.”

I vaguely gesture at Sungjin’s direction. “Shouldn’t you be sitting with your boyfriend?”

Ayeon laughs. “He’ll survive. Besides, it’s not like you’re the one who messed up. I can’t believe Sungjin. I yelled at him for you, don't worry. He’s so much better than that.”

“Agreed,” Jae says, “But as a third party observer with nothing to gain whatsoever in this situation, might I suggest a diplomatic meeting at some point?”

“Nothing to gain,” Sammy mutters, “you’re the one acting like you have the most to lose.”

Ayeon snorts when she tries to hide her laugh. “Ignore them. They just can’t admit they have vested interests in the matter. But, you know, I really want to say we’re not going to choose teams, but we so totally did.”

I doubt Sungjin spoke to them as a group, but he might have talked to Brian. Who talked to Ayeon. Who talked to Jae. And now I’m sure, that even though I’m safe with them, it’s not going to go down peacefully because from now on everything is a team affair.

I lean into Sammy and he gives me a one-arm hug and Jae reaches forward with his long arms and says “Group hug!”

From the table behind Jae, someone makes a dirty joke about me and home runs, and Jae shuts him up with more profanity than I think is necessary. “I hate this school,” Jae mutters when he turns back to us.

“Uhm,” Ayeon begins, making a face at her phone. “Brian wants to know what you brought for lunch. You know what, I’m just going to tell him to suffer. I’m so sorry. Oh, no. Here he comes. Never mind.”

Brian drops into the seat next to Ayeon. He smiles at her in the sweetest way, which makes me miss Sungjin just a little bit. Then to me he says, “Please don’t make the good stuff while we’re all fighting, okay? It’s not fair.”

Then Ayeon shoves him off our table and he drags his feet back to rejoin Sungjin.

Despite myself, I feel a bubble of laughter in my chest.

“Thanks, you guys,” I tell them. “I will talk to him. Just…”

“When you’re ready,” says Ayeon. “Sungjin understands that. He should. It's his fault. Make him apologise. Don't forgive him too easily.”

“Speaking of,” Jae picks up his phone when it lights up on the table. “Sungjin wants to know why you’re not eating. He says you’ll get headaches in science later if you don’t eat.”

I will not look at Sungjin.

I turn to Ayeon for help.

“I want to say he looks like someone just kicked his puppy, but I’ve seen that happen but with someone doing something to his mitt and he went all Hulk on them. He’s rightfully sad.”

“Appropriately guilty,” Jae adds. “Could be more. If you’re gonna make me your middleman, I expect compensation. It’s hard enough being caught in the middle of this. You really shouldn’t make your kids choose between their parents.”

“What are you talking about?” Did he just refer to me and Sungjin as his parents?

“He’s the team captain, you’re his girlfriend. Ergo, team mom. This is like being in the middle of a trial separation.”

I know how that feels like, so Jae isn’t helping at all. “It’s only been a day.”

“And it’s only about to get longer. If I die during practice later on, please tell my mom I love her. And without Rocket, we're going to have to figure out how to make money to get us through the playoffs. So if I die without once setting foot on Nationals, please honour me posthumously. ”

Ayeon lightly shoves him. “Stop being so dramatic!”

Sammy just tuts at them. “They’re not helping. They’re terrible friends. I’m the only one really concerned about you.” He then proceeds to steal a large piece of potato from my lunch.

Just once, I promise myself, I raise my eyes toward Sungjin’s direction.

I wish I can be angry at him. I wish I can hate him. But the only thing I hate is that I can’t hate him at all.

 

***

 

Later that afternoon, I’m in a corner of the library studying with Sammy and Ayeon. We’re sitting on the floor, books scattered around us, researching good science project ideas while doing our math homework at the same time. It’s not a smart strategy in terms of optimizing brain resources, but it does work as a fantastic distraction.

The more I study, the less I think about what those letters are. Even though my head is spinning the wildest threads, I still want to believe in Sungjin. Normally, I’ll try perfecting a new recipe, or try customising one of my dad’s specialties, but cooking makes me think of Sungjin. I used to only think about what will taste best in the generic sense, but now I find that I’m thinking about what he’ll like. Maybe one day I’ll get over it or learn to compartmentalise, but that day is not right now and I need it to be right now.

Ayeon touches my hand. “What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m going crazy.”

Ayeon taps the bottom of her mechanical pencil on her chin. “Well, if all else fails we can copy Brian’s homework and steal the rest of his science project ideas. He has a list, you know.”

“I didn’t mean that,” I laugh. “But maybe that can be our Plan B.”

 _Plan B_. The thought stings. Was _I_ Sungjin’s Plan B? Was I the the player on the bench? Every time I go back to the beginning to try and piece together the events the less it makes sense. Where did the lie begin? Where did it end?

The pressure bubbles up inside me and I can no longer push it down. “I wasn’t really Sungjin’s girlfriend.”

Both Ayeon and Sammy look up.

“I mean,” I struggle to say, “I mean we were faking it. When he kissed me the first day back, I still don’t know why he did that. But that was the morning I lied about dating him. I was so angry at Haneul and…and I don’t know why I said that. I came to tell him that, but then he kissed me. And then later he came to the restaurant and asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend. We’ve been faking it.”

Ayeon tilts her head curiously at me. It’s a long moment before she speaks, and I’m afraid she’s going to leave. But then she says, “No, you weren’t.”

“We were.”

“You can fake-like someone but you can’t fake being hurt by them. I’ve known Sungjin a really long time. Iris, he wasn’t faking. Were you?”

I shake my head. “Not since…I just know that now I really like him and I don’t know what to do.” I don’t even remember anymore. One day I just knew my feelings have become real and there’s nothing I can do to take them back. “Are you mad at me?”

“I’m going to make you explain yourself,” she answers sternly, “but I’m not mad. I love you.”

“I’m still here, you know,” Sammy says, still scribbling equations on his workbook. “Thanks, you guys are the best.”

Ayeon ignores him. “It _was_ weird when suddenly out of nowhere you two became a thing because he never talked about you. Not to Brian or even to me or Jihyo. But we could tell, you know? He wasn’t faking it. And if you weren’t faking it either, then it’s real. Does it really even matter at this point? Besides, fake-dating is not even a real thing. It’s just like real dating anyway. You start off not sure if you really like each other but then after, you just know. It's just an excuse.”

“I’m just going to keep doing my homework here,” Sammy groans. “You two go ahead and not include me in this discussion.”

What Ayeon said is a lot to think about. “I’m sorry I lied to you, Sammy.”

He looks up. Shrugs. “You owe me. Do you want to be Sungjin’s real girlfriend or what?”

“He still messed up, though,” Ayeon reminds me. “That doesn’t magically go away. Even I really hate him for that. Ugh.”

I sigh. “I should go talk to him.”

“He should go talk to you,” they answer at the same time.


	17. Chapter 17

A week not talking to Sungjin feels like an eternity.

Ayeon and Jae are telling me all about the last game, how they thought they weren’t going to win, but Sungjin managed to get one last run before the end of the final inning. When we talk about him like this, I miss him. I want to go to him and talk to him like before, but I know we can’t go back anymore. There will always be this line that divides our lives into a Before and After. I know all about Befores and Afters because I’m living through another After, but I can never get used to it.

“He knows we’re here, by the way,” Ayeon mentions, reaching over to take a bite off my strawberry shortcake. “Because my boyfriend is a traitor. But don’t worry, I told Brian to keep Sungjin distracted. They’re at the batting cage. That’s gonna take a while.”

We’re at a coffee shop near the mall. I don’t want my dad to think I’m having troublewith people again. Already the other day he was asking why he doesn’t see Sungjin at the restaurant as often. I told him they’re busy with the playoffs, which is the truth. But it won’t be long now before he notices. This would have been easier if Dad didn’t like Sungjin so much.

Jae whistles. “A long while. I do not envy Bri-boy right now.”

It was supposed to be just me and Ayeon, but Jae tagged along because Sammy said he’s coming too. I’m glad Sammy is coming. I want to thank him for stepping up and getting his mom to sponsor the baseball team. Now he’s an honorary member as well; Wonpil even got him an official shirt. The problem now is wherever Sammy goes, Jae follows and vice versa. I can’t catch a break.

“Iris?”

I look up at the unfamiliar voice. It’s Matthew Kim. “Hi?”

“Hey,” he nods at Jae and Ayeon. “I saw your video, by the way.”

My vision goes dark, and vaguely I see Jae get up. This can’t be happening right now.

“Whoa,” Matthew says, raising his palms at Jae. “I meant your Zombie Asylum videos! You uploaded them yesterday.”

Because now I have time for it. I’ve been playing games to distract myself. Also, hacking zombies to their deaths is very therapeutic. Between perfecting the levels and editing the videos, I don’t have time to think about Sungjin.

“I couldn’t get past that one level, how’d you find that secret door?” Matthew asks, grabbing the seat we saved for Sammy and sitting with us.

Ayeon just shrugs when I turn to her for help. She takes another sip of her coffee and smiles into her mug.

“Uhm,” I stutter. It is true what they say. Matthew Kim is very striking up close. Striking, but I’m not melting like I would under Sungjin’s gaze. “Luck, at first. And then, you know, a bajillion game over screens. Eventually, the game is like whatever you loser here’s the secret door.”

Matthew laughs. “You’re funny IRL, too. It sucks what happened to your last channel, by the way. People are gross. But as soon as I saw you made a new one, I was all over that subscribe button. You’re cool, Iris. Keep it up.” Then he gets up and joins his other friends.

Once Matthew is out of sight, Ayeon squeals into her hands. “What is it with you and captains? Iris Hwang!”

“Be quiet! That wasn’t even anything!”

Jae is giggling more than Ayeon. “I am so going to casually mention this to Cap in a totally non-invasive manner. It will go so natural he won’t notice it until it hits him. Like, yo, Cap, the other day I was having the best strawberry milkshake of my life, and Matthew Kim, captain of the basketball team, super hottie Matthew Kim totes made the moves on your not-anymore-girlfriend, and it was the best milkshake ever, it was so smooth and suave, 210% would recommend.”

“What kind of milkshake is suave?” Ayeon chokes.

“I ran out of words, man!”

I drop my head into my hands. “How is it that life was actually better when I was the school loser.”

“You’re still a loser,” Sammy says, taking a seat. “What happened?” Jae and Ayeon fill him in. “Haneul is going to eat your guts for breakfast when she finds out. Do you know how many of our classmates go here?”

I groan into my palms. “Don’t remind me.”

“Hey, if all that fake hair lays even a fake nail on you, I’m going to get Jimin, Jeongyeon, and Jihyo all over that glitter makeup—which is so good by the way, where does she get that stuff— and make her regret it.”

“Your indirect violence is oddly endearing,” Sammy comments, stealing my cake.

Ayeon smiles sweetly, “So I’ve been told. Anyway, no game next weekend and Brian wants to hang out at the batting cage. Do you want to go? We can kick Sungjin out, if you want.”

“The girls are coming. Jimin bet Brian can’t break his record so now he has the executive committee all up on him to make good on that bet.”

“He’s gonna let the seniors copy his math homework if that happens. Witnesses get in on it, too,” Ayeon adds.

“Can I come?” Sammy pipes in.

Jae claps his hands. “You should!”

Ayeon waits expectantly for an answer from me. She’s twirling her straw, ignoring her phone buzzing on the table. It’s just Brian, I can see his kissy face on her screen. She looks down, smiles a little, then looks back up at me.

I miss Sungjin so much.

“I can’t next weekend. My mom’s coming to visit me,” I answer.

Her straw-twirling stops. “Visit?”

“Yeah…my parents are divorced.” I glance nervously around the table, but they’re not judging me at all. It’s a story I haven’t really told anyone. I’ve mentioned it to Sungjin once, but that’s it. “My mom lives in Paris now. She’s a university art professor there. She has a conference somewhere here and she said she booked an earlier flight so she can see me.” I can’t contain my excitement. It’s been a while since I last saw her or spoke to her. But we email a lot.

In middle school, my mom left my dad.

After that my sister went as far away as possible for college.

I was alone for so long, and then suddenly I’m not. My life feels so full with or without Sungjin. Maybe talking to Mom will help clear this up.

“Oh, then I’m excited for you!” Ayeon reaches over to squeeze my hand. “Should I be excited for you? This is a good thing, right?”

“Yes,” I laugh. “It wasn’t an awful separation. I mean, at least not for me and Mom. She got me tickets to the new gallery opening and special passes to the museum. I’m excited. But maybe I’ll see you after? If you guys are going for dinner or cake after?”

“Sure!” Ayeon chirps, “I’ll message you.”

“So we can get rid of Sungjin if you want,” Jae adds. “Also, he’s been lurking on the group chat, I can see his reads. I could stir something up if you want. Make him do something. Should I tell him about Big Matthew?”

“Leave him alone,” I tell him. “Or maybe get Wonpil to hang out with him more.”

Ayeon laughs. “Are you going to talk to him soon?”

“I don’t know yet. I should. I want to.”

She sighs. “For what it’s worth, he messed up but he’s not a bad guy.”

I so very badly want to ask Ayeon what she knows about those letters and about the girl from St. Mary’s, but I can’t make her do that. She’s Sungjin’s friend too. I have to hear the story from Sungjin himself. He deserves that much. I’ll just have to confirm with Ayeon and Jae later.

“He’s kinda miserable, you know,” Jae says, “He’s trying to be all cool and stoic and whatever. Like the old Cap. But we know. We can tell the difference.”

Sammy leans back in his seat. “And this isn’t a plot to get them back together, is it?”

Jae scoffs, dares to look offended. “I’m just saying, it’s no fun playing coast guard.”

“Coast guard?” Sammy and I ask.

“Yeah, ‘cause they’re a ship. Coast guards enforce the safety of ships. Come on, I don’t have to keep explaining this, do I?”

“Don’t worry,” says Ayeon, “I made him promise not to directly interfere.”

I take her word for it. The last thing I want is for this to be a team problem.

 

***

 

I let the week pass without talking to Sungjin because we’ve just been so busy with classes, and him with baseball and me stressing out over my mom. I’m a lot more calm about the matter now. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but I promised Ayeon I’ll talk to Sungjin on Monday.

Right now I’m sitting anxiously on my bed waiting for my mom to arrive from her flight. It’s a tight schedule because she won’t get to rest at all before seeing me and hurrying off to her next flight to Jeju for their conference. But I’ll take what I can get. I even wore the dress she sent me a while back. It’s a cute sky blue and pink dress with little white flowers, and I wear it with sneakers and a denim jacket.

I keep looking at my phone, waiting for her to confirm she’s on schedule. I haven’t heard from her since last night, but I’m not too worried. Ayeon and the others are on their way to the batting cage, and she also said they might stay out late after how all the school work we had to trudge through.

My phone finally pings! And my heart drops.

“Hi, Baby. I’m so sorry. My connecting flight is delayed. I might not make it in time. I sent you the tickets. Bring a friend? I’ll see you after the conference. I’ll take some days off.”

I fall back and stare at the ceiling.

Suddenly, the batting cage sounds like a really good idea. I message Ayeon and tell her I’ll meet them there and that I’ll tell her all about it when we see each other. She replies we can go somewhere just the two of us first and tells me where to meet. I like that idea even better and ask her if she would rather go to the gallery with me. It’s a date.

After a while I get up, wipe my face clear of tears, then freshen up.

 

***

 

Ayeon said we should go eat something first, so now I’m at this nice cafe waiting. When I hear the bell above the door twinkle, I look up from where I’m sitting. It’s not Ayeon I see but Sungjin. He’s in his favorite black hoodie and his trusty cap, and yet he still looks so handsome. I’m somewhere in between angry and upset, but seeing him again like this is giving me the same old butterflies. He sees me just as I see him, and when he slows down I almost think he won’t walk toward my table.

I look down and close my eyes so I don’t see him looking at me. Every time he sees me walking to the pitch while they practice, he gets this wide-eyed look like he doesn’t expect me to be there even when I already said I will. He just looks so happy. He’s looking at me like that now. Hopeful, almost.

Sungjin looks around the cafe, hand nervously reaching behind his head. But nothing. Other than me and strangers, it’s just a potted succulents and handwritten menus on chalkboards. He checks his phone. I check my phone.

“You’ll forgive me for this”, Ayeon writes. “Talk to him.”

“I hate you,” I message back. And then I send her a heart emoji.

Okay. Act natural. I’m fine. Right. This is okay.

Sungjin puts his hand on the back of the chair across me; he doesn’t sit. “Brian made me come here. He said he and Ayeon are waiting for me here.”

“Ayeon said the same.”

“I can just go,” he says. Out loud he says he can leave, but his eyes are saying something else. “They’re probably all together somewhere. Ayeon said you were seeing your mom? I thought…”

“I was.” I knew news would get to him. I just didn’t think he’ll reveal to me what he knows. “Mom’s flight got cancelled, so…I thought I’d hang out with you guys instead. But…”

“Oh. I’m sorry. That’s…” He’s struggling to find the words, and it’s almost cute. “You can go see them if that will make you feel better. I’ll…I can…”

“Aren’t you going to sit?”

The chair rattles as he sits. Takes a breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.”

“What? What for? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I didn’t let you talk. And then I avoided you all week because I was scared.” My voice is strangely calm. A part of me just wants to get this all over with because I miss him too much. Even if nothing will be the same.

“You needed your space.”

Silence blankets us for a longish moment, but the awkwardness drifts away with every passing second. Sungjin is so close and yet so far away, I feel my heart about to burst. Sungjin sways forward the slightest, and I do the same.

“I’m sorry about the letters,” he says, “and about Sara.”

Hearing the name makes me want to throw something around, but I stay calm. I catch his gaze and ask, “Who is Sara?”

Sungjin looks shamed, even pained to admit to it. “Sara was my first love.” He looks at me helplessly, “But please let me explain.”

It’s now or never. Besides, I can never say no to him.


	18. Chapter 18

Sara was Sungjin’s first love.

I hold on to that usage of past tense. Sungjin shifts uncomfortably in his seat. I don’t know if he’s letting that statement hang in the air for audience impact or if he’s just as anxious as I am. He runs his hands over the top of his head and the tip of his tongue pokes out of his mouth. What’s he so nervous for?

“I met her the summer before high school. My dad works for her dad so sometimes we’d see each other during family events. Eventually I’d see her around the area and then at games because she goes to St. Mary’s. I always thought she was pretty. Brian calls her an Ice Princess. But she’s not like that.”

I’m struggling not to walk away. “So you two…were…”

Sungjin shakes his head. “It wasn’t like that…but…we’d see each other sometimes. Always indirectly. Sometimes we’d just be in the same place at the same time. She was too afraid that we might be seen together because she might get in trouble with her parents. I thought they were just really strict. Brian says they’re probably just judgmental. Maybe Brian’s right, I don’t know. But I liked her. But that was in the past.”

I nod. “How long was this going on?”

“We only really started talking in second year? And then when I suddenly became captain, that’s when she started sending me letters. Always letters because at first I thought I guess she’s old-fashioned? Girls like romantic things. I realized later it was so she didn’t get caught. She always sent it through someone else. I knew she had a cousin who goes to our school, but I didn’t know who it was at first.”

Now we know it’s Jiyeon. How convenient she’s Haneul’s new minion.

He fiddles with the sugar sticks on the table. “What we had was…even though we never really went out or talked much, we knew we liked each other. For a while that was enough. But I guess it was only one-sided. I heard she was going on dates with other guys from St. Joseph’s or from some other fancy school. I knew then that I would never stand a chance. So I started to back away. But she kept sending me letters. Eventually, I realized she was keeping me on the bench.”

He takes a breath to laugh pitifully at himself. I still don’t know how I feel about all this. I feel sad for him, but I also know this can’t be the whole story. Because we haven’t even started on us yet.

He continues. “So I just kept ignoring her. But she kept going anyway. And then…” he tilts his head at me, smiles with the one corner of his lips. “Then you happened to me.”

 _I_ happened to _him_.

Like a disease. Or a natural disaster.

“Is that why you wanted to fake date me?”

“You started it—“

“I told you we could—“

He raises his palms to interrupt me. “I know. But when I heard you tell Haneul that she can’t get to me because I’m already yours, I thought maybe she’d leave me alone if the whole school thinks I’m with you. I didn’t know who I had to convince because I didn’t know who her cousin was back then, so the whole school it was. I figured you had your reasons and I had mine. But then you came to practice after school and you had that look in your eyes like you were scared of me. I knew you were going to end it then so I kissed you.”

Sungjin so casually stating that he’s mine makes me want to ask if he still is even after all this. Maybe he’s asking _me_.

“And then you went to the curry shop. It didn’t work, though. She’s still sending you those letters.”

“I asked her to stop.”

That gets my attention.

“After the first game, I went to see her. She wrote to me that she was attending the meet and that she’d wait for me behind the bleachers. I went to tell her to stop because…” He stops fiddling with the sugar packets and catches my gaze. “Because of you.”

I don’t know what else to do. I blink.

“I thought by pretending to date you, I could have time to sort out how I really felt about her and what we could do after we graduate, but it just became clear that she wasn’t going to change her mind about me. To her I’ll always just be benched.”

“You were her Plan B.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Ayeon gave me an earful when I told her what really happened. She said I should have just told you from the start, but I didn’t want you worry about her.”

“I ended up worrying anyway. Do you know how it made me feel? Sungjin, I’ve known about those letters since…since even before the playoffs. I’ve been seeing them since Training Camp. At first I ignored them, but then I realized you were holding on to them. To one very specific sender. You could have just told me.”

“I didn’t know what to say.” He looks panicked. “I thought I had more time to sort it out.”

“You could have just ignored her? Or straight up told her to leave you alone. But you kept her letters. And it hurt. It hurt because I felt like _your_ Plan B.”

Another pained glance from Sungjin. “I’m sorry, Iris.”

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with his apology. I check the time. “I have to be at the museum soon. The gallery has specific viewing times.”

It catches me off guard how sad and guilty he looks.

“Will you let me walk you there?”

I want to tell him no, but I can never say no to him.

“Please?”

I get up slowly. “Okay.”

The walk is not awkward. It’s painful in the sense that Sungjin is walking too far away from me. Far in the sense that his hand doesn’t brush against mine. That if someone were to walk between us, they could do so without a problem. It feels as if there’s a huge physical presence between us that’s keeping us from getting close. Even if it hurts, I still hold on to hope that it can get better. That maybe we can make the hurt softer somehow.

“You know,” I begin, “when Ayeon promised to make sure Jae wouldn’t interfere I didn’t take to mean it was because she was going to do it herself.”

Sungjin holds back a chuckle. “She only looks sweet. Inside, she’s…something else.”

I step along the lines on the stone-tiled road. “A really good match for Brian?”

“Definitely a good match. She hated him at first, did you know?”

That puts a smile on my face. “I can see that. Brian can be a handful.”

He laughs at the memory. “For Brian it was love at first sight. He even started doodling song lyrics into his notebooks. That was before he asked her out.”

“So how and when did he ask her out?”

“ _She_ asked him out.”

We’re smiling at each other, feeling the tension lift away little by little. I just want to hold his hand. Put my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder. We cross the street, and Sungjin automatically shifts to the more dangerous side. When he get to the sidewalk, he does the same, making sure I’m in the inner lane.

“I’m sorry your mom couldn’t make it,” he says a while later. “You miss her so much.”

“What can I do? Stuff like this happens all the time.” But I’m okay. Really, I am. I’m disappointed, but in a way I know there’s not much I can do about it. "She says she'll see me after the conference."

“Don’t do that.” The back of his hand brushes against mine, but he doesn’t do anything else. “You’re always trying to not to be sad about things.”

“I let myself be sad!” I answer indignantly.

“I know you. You let yourself be sad when you’re alone. But when you’re outside, especially at school, you act like nothing bothers you. You hide. Don’t…don’t hide from me. I know I can’t just say that, but…”

“If you know you can’t, then…”

Thankfully, it begins drizzling about a block away from the museum. Everything all happens so fast, I don’t even think about it. Sungjin pulls his cap out of his hoodie pocket and settles it snugly on top of my head. Then he takes my hand and leads me through and across the last street and up the museum steps.

I just watch him shake the water from his eyes, not caring if I have rainwater splashed behind my legs.

We are still holding hands.

He’s the first to let go, like he knows he shouldn’t have done that to begin with. He glances away before returning to me. “Have fun here,” he says. He’s standing, all tense and reluctant to go. “I know you love this place.”

"I have two tickets. Do you want to go with me?”

His eyes flash with hope. Those big, brown eyes that hold all the stars in the sky. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Sungjin. But it’s not…like…I mean I just have an extra ticket and I don’t want it go to waste. These are limited and…and…” And I don’t want to be alone.

He’s nodding and smiling and I want to keep this smile on his face forever. “I know. Of course it’s not. We’re…just friends.”

The words leaves a stale taste in my mouth and I wasn’t even the one who said it. We enter the museum just in time for the special exhibit’s slot, and walk around looking at the paintings. Sungjin is like a kid, staring at everything in wonder. When Mom and I come here, we usually listen to the audio recordings from the curators and experts, but right now I just want to hear Sungjin’s gasps and the little sounds of amazement that he makes. At some point we start whisper-discussing the pieces, and Sungjin makes me laugh so hard one of the attendants gives me a scolding look.

After the special gallery, we move up to the top floor, then go through each exhibit on the way down. I was worried he’d be bored, but I keep watching him because the only other time I see him have fun is when he’s playing baseball. Recently, though, the game has been giving him more pressure than anything else. I know he hasn’t been getting enough rest lately. Sometimes I’m afraid he’ll fall asleep in class. But he never does. That’s more a Brian thing.

Sometimes I catch him glancing at me, but I don’t look away. We just smile at each other and then talk about the artwork. I tell him what I know, stuff my mom taught me, and he listens well. Though my face still heats up when he looks at me, it’s a comfortable feeling.

“You know,” he says, as we sit down on a built in bench in the middle of a wide room. “I wanted to take you here.”

“Huh?” We’re supposed to be looking at a wall-wide painting of…something.

“I’m sorry I never got to take you on that date I promised you.”

“Playoffs,” I remind him. “More important.”

“It really isn’t,” he mutters.

We’re alone in this part of the gallery and our whispers sounds almost as loud as normal conversations. Muffled, but also loud. Or maybe that’s just my heartbeat in my ears. The air feels different too. We’re sitting inches apart, but it’s warmer somehow. “I’m really not upset about that. Honest.” We were always together anyway, what did it matter where we were or what we were doing?

“Baseball was never more important than you.”

“You really shouldn’t say things like that,” I joke, even though my heart just skipped a few beats. Even now he can still do this. “I might get the wrong idea.”

“It’s the truth,” he simply states. “I wanted to bring you here so you can make it real, the things you posted about before. I figured even if it’s not my thing, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it if I’m with you.”

I can feel his gaze on me, and I keep my eyes at the massive swirl of colors ahead. “You know where I was going to take you? On that date we planned but never got to go to?”

A dreamy look settles on his face. “Where?”

I take Sungjin to the batting cage.

He’s laughing the moment he sees the signage, and he’s still chuckling to himself even after we’re inside and ready to take a few swings. The others are nowhere to be found; they must have went somewhere else for food. Good. It's better if we're alone for now.

“Are you sure about this?” he asks as soon as he comes back after checking out the rental equipment.

“Of course not,” I tell him, obviously jittery. I look nervously at the indoor pitching machines and the diamond-nets. Somehow, it’s scarier when it’s indoor than when it’s outdoor. All that space mutes the imminent dangers of a fastball to your face. “Sungjin, I don’t even know how to swing a bat.”

There’s that smile-smirk again. Always so confident and self-assured. “I do.”

“You know I only wanted to bring you here because I wanted to take you somewhere you’re comfortable in and would enjoy and…and…”

It’s too late, he’s already looking at me in a way that I can’t deny him whatever he wants. I thought about bringing him here because I wanted him to understand that I understand how important baseball is to him, and that no matter what I’ll support him. That was before. Now, I just really want to hit a ball because Sungjin is right. I am sad and upset, and I’ve never really showed it out loud.

I hate that he knows that about me.

“Come here,” he beckons. He’s already on the plate. Well. Next to it. He picks up a bat, gives it a test swing.

Have I ever mentioned how good he looks when he’s swinging a bat? No? How about when he pitches? No? Must have slipped my mind somehow because it’s really not that impressive.

Not.

He makes it look so easy and graceful, but in a different way from Jae who pitches so fast you can barely see it, or like Brian who swings all sharp angles and precise lines. Sungjin’s is more grounded, somehow. Solid. Like you can feel the earth and the wind move around him.

I step up to the plate.

Sungjin puts the bat down for a moment. “Okay. Relax. I’ll teach you.”

“You know I can’t even catch, right?”

“That…will be a lesson for another day. Hands up.” I do as he says and he puts the batting gloves on me, the appropriate glove on the appropriate hand, and adjusts the velcro straps firmly. “Too tight?”

I shake my head.

After the gloves, Sungjin lifts his cap off my head and put back the other way around so the bill is facing backwards. Then he straps a helmet over my head. Pats the top twice. Turns me around and then hands me the bat.

“This was your idea, remember that.”

“I was just going to watch you!”

“You watch me all the time!”

Then it’s awkward because…well…it’s true. It’s the truth but we’re not like that anymore. At least not right now. Why is it so hard not being his girlfriend?

He clears his throat. “I set the speed to something like zero so don’t worry about it. If it’s still too fast for you, I’ll pitch the ball myself. But first…”

Sungjin steps up behind me and corrects my form. He slips his foot between my feet and taps my left ankle so my feet are a little wider than shoulder-width apart. He pushes down my shoulders to bend my knees. Then bends me forward by the waist. His arms come around my shoulders to help me grip my bat. Even when I’m wearing gloves, his bare hands still feel so warm over mine.

“Eyes on the pitcher,” he says. He’s so close, I can feel his breath on my ear. “Do it like this.”

He shows me how to swing, me moving with him, my back flush against his chest and his arms aligned with mine. He shifts against me, and more body parts come in contact. It’s embarrassing because my heart is pounding in my chest all over again. One swing. Two swings. Three. It feels just right, I’m dizzy.

“Got it?” he asks. He doesn’t let me go.

I tilt my face toward his, and he responds with a slow identical tilt. He really is just so…

“…beautiful.”

“What?” I ask.

“I said I always thought you're beautiful.”

I’m afraid if I don’t say anything, he’ll move away.

“I’m really sorry,” he whispers, “I’m so sorry.” His arms wrap around me so tight, I drop the bat to the floor. He's shaking. “I like you so much, Iris. So much. I don’t even know when it happened. Just that one day, I’m angry at myself because I’m jealous of Sammy. And then I can’t stop thinking about you. I just want to be around you all the time. I know you don’t need me to protect you because you’ve been so strong by yourself, but I want to. I want to be there for you. But I messed up because I didn’t want you to think there was anyone else when there’s only been you. I just like you. I can’t hold it back anymore. I just like you so much.”

That’s it.

I stop breathing.

I feel myself shaking in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, so soft his voice is breaking. “You don’t have to say anything. I’ll be fine. Or you can say sorry, and I’ll know what that means. I know we can’t go back to the same way anymore, but I can’t not tell you.”

Slowly, I twist around in his arms. “Kiss me,” I say.

He does.

So we’re kissing. He knocks my helmet away and kisses me. And it’s not like the first time when Sungjin kissed me. That’s not even a kiss compared to this one. This one has hands. Hands on my face, and on my back; clumsy gloved hands around his head. This one lifts me to my toes and bends my back. My veins throb and my heart is exploding. I’m melting.

And then his kisses are soft like we have all the time in the world.


	19. Chapter 19

The Monday back feels unreal.

I’m floating on a pink fluffy cloud. Sammy is annoyed that all my messages yesterday have been about Sungjin, and he’s not subtle about it. Ayeon just says he can leave the group chat any time he wants but he never does. Once, though, he threatens to bring Jae into the chat and Ayeon double dares him. There’s a long minute watching the typing bubble before Sammy finally relents and says he’ll save that for another day. Honestly, with the way Sungjin talks about how Jae and Wonpil flood the baseball group, I’m a little nervous about it too.

I meet with Sammy at the usual block he gets dropped off and we walk to school together. He’s been so much sociable now, so much more that he looks like himself. Even though I’m not sure what that looks like, it’s the feeling that when he smiles his whole aura is open and happy like this is always how it should be.

“I know you’re really happy you and Sungjin are for real now, but can we talk about how half the basketball team is now subscribed to your channel? Because Matthew Kim apparently has always been your fan?”

“Big Matthew is a fan of the Zombie Asylum franchise, that’s all it is.” And so is pretty much every other guy on the planet, maybe. Thanks to Sammy, I managed to get in a few levels earlier than everyone else and my gaming videos have taken off quite nicely. Sometimes Matthew messages me about some of the levels, but it’s always been just that and nothing more. A few times we’ve played with some other people but that’s all there is to it. That was during the time I needed a distraction from thinking about Sungjin all the time.

“Big Matthew? You’re calling him that now?” he teases. “Who are you?”

I shrug. “That’s his username and the only real interaction we get. He’s not a bad player, a little too Leroy but manageable. You wanna join one of our raids some time? I think you two will get along. Jae, too. You three can form a team and I can stay out of it.”

Sammy makes a face. “Yeah but without you, we’re all gonna end up shooting each other in the face.”

“You know I don’t like playing online.” Even with the new character and without the stigma of the old account, there are always creeps lurking around as soon as they find out I’m a girl. It’s terrible. “I’d rather stick to the console and do my Let’s Plays.”

Also, I have a boyfriend now and I’d rather spend time with him.

We reach the school along with a throng of students cursing Monday. I, for one, am very happy it’s finally Monday. I’m practically skipping through the gates. I even say good morning to the first year P.E. teacher who’s doing gate checks.

From the distance, I hear the baseball team’s footfalls and loud conversation as they go on their morning jog. Then I finally see _him_.

Sungjin sees me and the whole world just lights up.

My whole being lights up.

Sungjin just smiles as the whole team approaches in a steady-paced jog. It’s a soft dreamy, giddy smile, like the one on his face after we kissed in the batting cage. The memory heats up my face and my ears. I mouth a “hi” as he passes by me.

Sungjin slows down to say hi back, but Jae just rams into him and pushes him forward. They stumble the slightest, but recover. Sungjin just gives Jae the angry eyes, but Jae’s the type to be immune to it unless the situation calls for it.

“Yo, Cap, I’m really happy your relationship troubles have been resolved but you gotta focus!” Then to me, Jae says, “Need to steal your man for a bit. Because, you know, we have an important game this weekend and he’s _only_ the team captain. See you at lunch!”

Sungjin glances back with an apologetic look on his face, and I wave awkwardly in return. The rest of the team passes by, and both Wonpil and Dowoon wave at me as they go.

I walk to my classroom with a spring in my step while Sammy complains about it the entire way upstairs. We separate ways when I go into my class. Finding my seat undisturbed, I sit and watch the baseball team make more rounds around the courtyard.

I don’t notice the whispers until I hear Haneul laughing at something Byul said.

 

***

 

At lunch, Matthew and J.Seph stop by our table on the way to theirs.

Ayeon and Sammy both glance up with awestruck looks on their faces. Jae waves hello. Brian is too busy stealing Jae’s food. And Sungjin is Sungjin. He makes himself taller in his seat and looks Matthew straight in the eyes.

“Hey,” Matthew amiably says to him. There must be some kind of bro code in that greeting because the atmosphere lightens a bit. He turns to me, smiles. “Smalls, you didn’t upload the next level yet?”

I tilt my head toward Sungjin. “I had a date.”

Matthew laughs. “Don’t go abandoning your most loyal fans.” He turns to Sungjin, “Good luck next game.”

“See you, Big Matthew,” Sammy says to Matthew’s back. “Big Matthew makes so much sense, doesn’t it?”

When he’s gone Jae lets out a big breath. “Yo, Cap, that was so totally code for: If you don’t treat Iris well he’s so totally going to steal your girl.”

“It’s really not,” I shoot back.

Jihyo and Jeongyeon drop into their designated seats. Jihyo goes first. “Was that—“

“Matthew Kim?” Jeongyeon finishes.

“Guys…it’s really not a big deal.”

“Why does he call you Smalls?” Ayeon teases, leaning forward and resting her chin on her palm.

I make a face at her for stirring this up. They all know it’s really just about a video game, but they’re having too much fun joking around about it. I glance at Sungjin. Wasn’t it them who told me bears don’t like to share? They should stop teasing him because he’s a terrible sport when he’s pushed too far.

“‘Cause he’s big?” Jae answers. “Bet you he can crush a grown human’s skull between those biceps.” There's more talk about Matthew...and his...being Matthew. Mostly lead by Jae and Sammy the fanboys. “Oh, yeah!” Jae is momentarily distracted by Brian stealing another spoonful from his seafood rice, and Jae slaps Brian’s hand away. “Cap, did I ever tell you about that ah-mazing strawberry milkshake I had the other day?”

I groan into my spoon.

“You did,” Sungjin answers, unfazed. “210% would recommend?”

Ah. Jae. _Why._

Brian pushes a big scoop of rice into his mouth. “If it’s any consolation, the basketball team isn’t doing as well this year.”

Jae sniggers. “Who’s the school pride now?”

Why is it always a competition with these boys?

“Can we stop talking about it?” I tell them. “At this rate, you’re just adding to the bounty on my head.” It’s all good-natured fun, but that last bit has some ring of truth to it. I feel a prickle at the back of my neck, and I don’t have to look to know it’s Haneul’s beady eyes on me.

They back off and talk about this show they’re all watching. I’m not really interested in what they have to say anymore. With my knee, I nudge Sungjin, and he nudges me back with his.

He leans over to whisper, “Captain, do you want to meet me in the storage room in fifteen minutes?”

I shove him with my elbow and he just shrugs and laughs as he returns his attention to his lunch. I smile, too. He’s joking, but I can’t help but imagine it now. I bite harder down my spoon and try not to spontaneously combust.

 

***

 

The following days are weird, and it all comes full circle on Thursday afternoon while we’re loitering around the halls before the team goes to practice and before everyone else heads home. Through the week I’ve been receiving weird stares from people, but that’s not new. It subsided for a while, but it’s back now. Maybe it never left, the same way a shadow doesn’t really leave just because the sun is directly above you.

Sungjin tells me to just ignore it, but I can’t. I can’t just ignore the way people are looking at me. I know I annoy him about thinking about the stares and the whispers, and talking too much about how it bothers me. Worrying is twice the suffering, he says. I can’t not worry about it.

“Your channel is quiet, though,” Sammy says when I tell him about it. We’re standing by the window facing the other side of the school. There’s no view of the all-purpose field here, just the street. “It’s just that the basketball team’s found you and now they all have a crush on you.”

“They really don’t,” I say, scrolling through all my social media feeds for something. Anything. I’m not just imagining all this. Am I? I glance around me. “You should stop saying that out loud before someone hears you.”

“BM probably has a crush on you. That’s probably why Haneul hates you. That's probably why she's always hated you.”

“Stop it.” I check the usual forums and the usual places but find nothing. “Am I making sense right now? Do you think I’m just imagining this?”

Sammy blows out his cheeks before answering. “I don’t know. I don’t know what it’s like—what happened to you.”

“Hey, Iris. Where’s Sungjin?”

I roll my eyes and ignore Rocket. Ever since he got kicked off the baseball team he’s been even more annoying than ever. He’s been badmouthing the team and the coach, and I feel sorry for whoever gets roped into listening to him talk all day about it. He’s been making up some story about how the boys on the team bullied him and didn’t let him play when he can’t even hit a ball half the time and he runs like his feet are submerged in concrete.

Sungjin is in Brian’s classroom meeting with the other class presidents for the end of semester activities. He should be out soon. I keep an ear out for Jae or Brian. Or even Jeongyeon and Jihyo. One time I saw Jeongyeon pull Rocket’s ear until he apologised to Jimin for something. I need to learn how to do that.

Rocket leans closer to me, his fingers brushing against the small of my back. My vision goes dark. His fingers press into me, and I sway into the window before flinching away from him. I back away on unsteady legs.

“What’s the matter, Iris?” he says, far too loud for it to not be intentional. “What is it now? Suddenly I’m not good enough because I’m no longer in the baseball team? Or are you more into basketball players now?”

I see everything. The way the heads turn. The way they lean into who’s next to them. The way their lips move. I hear the white noise of whispers like a million wings flapping in my ears.

“Hey!” Jae appears out of nowhere, all loose limbs and charging straight into Rocket. “You leave her alone!”

Brian comes into sight next to Jae, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him back. “Jae, he’s not worth it.”

Jae struggles to get out of Brian’s grapple, arms flailing forward. “Yeah, but Iris is worth it.”

Sammy steps in, pushing them both back. “You can’t forfeit your games, both of you back off.”

Rocket just laughs to himself, looking all smug and untouchable. He’s about to say something, but then his eyes focus behind us and his arrogance warps into fear. He falters a step back, chokes on a breath. His shoulders quake as he tries to put up a front.

Sungjin is next to me now, standing tall and strung tight. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. Right now, it’s getting hard to breathe. The entire hall has quieted into a sharpness in the atmosphere. No one else says anything.

Rocket takes another step back but then stumbles forward when he bumps into Matthew. Rocket looks up then his gaze lands to his sneakers when Matthew throws an arm around his shoulders.

Matthew isn’t choking Rocket, but he might as well be. “Do we have a problem here? What’s this about basketball players?”

Rocket doesn’t answer.

“What’s that?” Matthew asks again. “I didn’t hear you.”

Rocket sputters out a response. “N-no problem.”

Matthew checks on me. Somehow I communicate that I’m okay. To Sungjin, he says, “Captain, I’ll be cheering on you at Nationals.” Then he drags a whimpering Rocket down the hall and into the staircase.

“I could have done that too, you know,” Jae comments once the noise fills the room again. “I may look like I don’t know how to throw a punch, but have you seen my fastball? I have unexpected arm strength. Plus I’m like nine feet tall. I have reach.”

Brian fields away the spectators and we walk back into our classroom. Ayeon and Jihyo come running in after us. Sammy is the last to come in, checking left and right through the other side of the door before joining us on my desk.

Sungjin is still coiled so tightly it looks painful. Softly, he asks, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I answer, “I just freaked out. He really didn’t do anything. It’s just that…” Anyone else and I still freak out. Will it always be this way? “He’s just a creep.”

“I really hope he gets a beating,” Jihyo says, “Why does it have to say exemplary good behavior on the rules of this tournament?”

I turn to Brian to thank him, but Ayeon is already doing that, smiling proudly at him for remembering to keep a level head.

“You can go to practice now,” I tell them, though I’m not quite recovered just yet. I don’t want them to worry. “I think he’ll leave me alone from now on.”

“You guys can go ahead,” Sungjin says to the others. Reluctantly, they leave. Once they’re out the door, Sungjin falls into the seat next to me and he lets his forehead drop onto my shoulder. “I heard him,” he says between ragged breaths. “I heard him say your name. I was so afraid.”

“It’s over now,” I say, “I’m not afraid anymore.”

But I am. I’m afraid but at the same time I’m not. I don’t understand how and I can’t explain it, but this is how I feel.


	20. Chapter 20

It happens the Monday after the team wins their second to the last round.

At first, it’s just the looks. The same old looks that came with my first round of infamy. Sungjin says to ignore them, but I can’t. I can’t stop seeing the judging eyes, every raise of their brow, every sneer that comes my way. Sungjin says it went away before, it will go away again soon enough. Tomorrow will be different. Maybe he’s right. A part of my brain says he _is_ right. But today isn’t tomorrow. Today the looks are coming my way and there’s nothing I can do to stop them.

Suddenly, the perfect life I want people to see is crumbling down again.

During lunch, I put on a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay. I try to stay upbeat. Other than that, I ignore the whispers from some of our classmates and I keep my head down so I don’t see them looking at me. That isn’t my life anymore, whatever it is Haneul has been saying about me.

But I can’t get it off my head.

_Iris at Your Service_

Those are the new words that taunt me. Because of what Rocket started the other day, the jokes have come in one after the other and people can be so mean. “First the baseball team, now the basketball team. What’s next, Iris?” someone asked behind my back. “Swimming team? Volleyball team? Chess team?” The morning was unbearable.

“Iris?”

I look up when Ayeon reaches over to squeeze my hand. “Sorry, what?”

Ayeon is worried and she’s not even hiding it on her face. “I said do you want to go get cake after school today? We can do our homework somewhere else?”

It’s become our habit to do our homework and study at the library or at the bleachers while waiting for the baseball team to finish practice. There shouldn’t be a reason we can’t study here. For a moment, everyone stops eating to look at me and I can feel the beginnings of a full-on shut down. I won’t ever cry in front of these people. Especially not in school. If I start now, I’ll never stop. If I start now, it will only reinforce that they’re getting to me.

“No, I’m fine.” I continue eating as if nothing’s amiss. “Unless you want cake?”

Sammy and Jae exchange a meaningful glance, and it crosses over to Ayeon. Back then, I could hide and no one would notice. Now, not so much. Even if all I want is to crawl back into the spaces Sammy and I occupied before all this, it will only make them talk more. I can't let them win.

“Yeah, kind of, I'm in the mood for cake,” Ayeon answers warily. “Let’s just go? Sammy is paying.”

“No, I’m not—“ Sammy says. Jae nudges him with a bony elbow, and he chokes out, “Fine. I’ll consent to you girls using me for my money.”

An aside, Jae is a bad influence.

As we walk back to our classroom, I can sense that Sungjin has something he wants to say but can’t find the words or the proper timing to say it. He keeps having to look around me just as much as I am, making sure no one’s giving me dirty looks or whispering about me. But he can’t stop people from doing what they want. Wasn’t that what he told me before?

“It’ll be over by tomorrow,” he says reassuringly. “Don’t worry.”

I don’t have the heart to tell him that hasn’t been my truth.

We pass by Matthew along the hallway. He stops and exchanges a fist bump with Sungjin. When did that even happen? “Rocket didn’t bother you today, did he Smalls?” he asks.

I shake my head. “I haven’t seen him yet.”

He nods. Then to Sungjin, “Good luck next game.”

Matthew enters his classroom and Sungjin and I enter ours. Haneul watches us and I brace myself. But all she does is turn to her seatmate, whispers something in her ear, and both of them look right at me and laugh.

Sungjin sits with me until class resumes.

 

***

 

Thursday.

The situation hasn’t changed just as I predicted. Neither is it worse. At the very least, there are no videos or pictures or memes. Just insidious whispers going around. I know who is behind all this, I can feel it in my bones. Sammy and Ayeon agree, Jae thinks we need to make our own move, but Sungjin just wants everyone to mind their own business and wait for all this to blow over. It’s not worth the effort, he says. Jae says there’s only so much fighting back with kindness can do.

“Do you really think it will just go away?” I ask. We’re in the clubroom, a few minutes before practice starts. The others haven’t come back from the locker rooms yet, and the girls are busy bossing the first years around to prepare the field.

Sungjin finishes writing the training menu on their dry-erase board. “What else is it going to do?”

I shrug. “Get worse?”

“People will get tired of it eventually. Either that or they’ll realize they’re just wasting their time on nothing.” He flips to another page on Jimin’s schedule printout. “Don’t think about it too much.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” The words come out before I can think about not saying them. “You’re Sungjin, team captain of the baseball team, class president, and everyone’s favorite guy.”

He stops writing. “And what does that mean?”

“It means people look at you and think the sun rises and sets in your eyes. When you pay attention to people, you make them all feel special.” The words are coming out now, unstoppable. “They’re thinking you could do better than me and that—“

“Stop it,” he sighs, “Just stop right there. You know that’s not true.”

“Is it? People look at me—“

“Why do you care so much about what people think of you? Of how people look at you? Do you ever stop to think that they don’t actually care about that?”

“I’m not like you.” My nails dig into my palms. “I can’t just go out there and be myself and expect people to like me.”

Sungjin gestures around the room as if to say that’s exactly what I did, what I’m doing, and the whole team and his friends think the same as he does. “Are you not being yourself right now?”

“It’s not the same thing,” I say through gritted teeth. “Every time I go out there, I have to hold myself to a higher standard because people will be looking a lot more closely at me. If I’m too much or too little, everything I do will always be held to a different metric because I’m me. Because of what I’m supposed to stand for. You can do anything and people will still be so much forgiving of you. They’ll find ways to understand you, make up excuses for you, and say that no matter what you do there’s a reason for it. I don’t get to have that.”

Sungjin puts the clipboard down on the table and faces me. “You’re not the only one who goes out there knowing they have to do their best.”

“But it’s not the same. You’re allowed to make mistakes and people will love you for it. You’re allowed to be afraid and people will say you’re being brave. If I’m afraid people will tell me to shut up and just get over it. If I make a mistake, it’s over for me.”

“You care too much about what people think.”

“Of course, I do. People’s words and stares can hurt. That saying? Sticks and stones can break your bones? Well, words hurt just as much except you can’t say that because you don’t really bleed on the outside because of it. People look at you like you’re the worst and you start seeing that in the mirror, too.

“You can’t just tell me to not see them looking at me. I know you’re used to people looking at you, and for you most things just bounce off because you’re you, but I’m not like that. Do you know what it’s like craving attention while at the same time hating it?”

“Do you really want attention that badly?” he asks softly.

Whatever it is he meant by that is overpowered by the thoughts that come in one after the other, regardless if he meant to trigger them or not. “You know someone said I put up that video myself just to be noticed. Even if they didn't know it was recorded on my phone, but just because it was put up on my channel. They said I wanted to overshadow Haneul so badly, I did that to myself.”

“I know you didn’t.”

“That’s what people think of me. And I care about what people think of me because I’m trying really hard to be a good person so people will like me enough to want to stay in my life.”

A tear falls down my cheek and I angrily wipe it away.

Sungjin takes a step forward. Involuntarily, I take a step back.

“Are we fighting right now?” he asks in a careful voice.

“I don’t know.”

The door bursts open and in comes Jae and Wonpil arguing and gesticulating wildly about something. Brian comes in after, takes one look at us before signalling if he should delay the rest of the team walking in.

I shake my head at him and walk out the door.

“We don’t have to stay here, you know,” Ayeon says when I join her and Sammy on the bleachers.

Sammy, who’s lying down on his stomach, looks up from his homework and nods. “I can have the car come get us. I think we deserve to live a good life after all we’re going through this week.”

 _We_.

I really like the sound of that. My hands ball into tight fists over my skirt. “You didn’t abandon me. When it got bad, you didn’t leave.”

Ayeon leans her head on my shoulder and links our arms together. “You’re going to pay us back, you know. Preferably in kind. And by kind, I mean food.”

“She can bake too, did you know,” Sammy adds. “Her cookies are the best. Or maybe it’s her cupcakes.”

The tears start falling and they burn my eyes.

Ayeon puts her arms tight around me. I’ve always known friendships to be conditional. Transactional. I have to do something to receive something in return. That’s just how life is. But now I’m not sure anymore. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things, and I can’t expect myself to be right about everything. But maybe I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I know if Ayeon, or any of my friends were in my situation, I will do everything to take care of them. Maybe I’m supposed to take care of myself, too.

Something bounces by our feet, and the three of us startle back. A baseball bounces into my shoes and rolls a few inches away. I look out into the field but everyone’s busy doing one thing or another. I pick it up.

 _I like you just the way you are_ it says in Sungjin’s handwriting.

I search him out in the field, and when I find him he raises his baseball bat. I wave back at him, hoping my apology reaches him through the distance between us.


	21. Chapter 21

It’s one week before their last game. The game the team needs to win to qualify for Nationals. When I arrive at school Wednesday morning, it’s just in time to see the team on their morning jog. I’ve been timing this perfectly for weeks, but every morning still feels like an accomplishment.

Sungjin smiles at me as soon as he sees me. I stop and wait for them to get closer so I can greet them good morning. I am oddly calm today, as if nothing could possibly go wrong even though I know that is never the case.

“Good morning, Captain,” I say as Sungjin comes within earshot.

His grin grows even wider if that’s possible. He slows to a stop in front of me, ignoring the entire team demanding he keep up pace. “Hey,” he says to me, “I have something for you.”

Behind him the team jogs in place. “Its always good morning, Captain, what about good morning Jae? Jae might like to be greeted a good morning, too.”

I look over Sungjin’s shoulder and wave at Jae. “Good morning, Jae. You’re doing very well today. Good form.”

I’m about to do the same for the entire team, but Sungjin steps to the side to block them from view. “What are you greeting them good morning for?”

I give him a look. _They are also my friends._

He returns that look with another look. _I am your boyfriend._

“Hold out your hand.”

I do as he says.

“This is for you, Captain.” Sungjin drops a baseball charm into my palm. The little ball, about the size of my thumbnail, is delicate, cold on my skin, and just so perfect. “I’ve been holding on to this for a while. I thought I should just give it to you.”

I can’t look at the way Sungjin is smiling at me because I’ll end up smiling too much my cheeks will hurt and I won’t be able to leave this spot because I’ll just melt. It’s one thing that it’s warmer now. Sungin is just making it worse.

“You should really get back to your…uh…teammates.”

"I am the team captain. I do what I want."

"I don't think that's how it works."

Sungjin’s grin is like the sun, if not brighter. “See you in class, Captain.”

He rejoins the team, ignoring the teasing and the hooting and the howling. He just shakes his head, still smiling, as he quickens their pace. In the fray, I hear Jae and Brian say, “Cap, you are so whipped.”

Wonpil, though he’s the fastest, always stays at the end of the line with Dowoon. “See you later, Captain Iris,” he says as he passes me by.

Dowoon does the same, though I can’t tell if he’s smiling or grimacing or something in between. This kid, he’s just so weird. I hope he becomes team captain when he becomes a third year.

When I get to the classroom, Haneul, Hana, Byul, and Jiyeon are all there. Haneul is clearly holding court once again, sitting prettily in her chair while the others surround her.Whoever is willing to listen drops in, too. Sometimes I think Haneul is like me. We both just want attention. Maybe she’s lonely too. Maybe more than I ever was. I never really asked. I don't think anyone ever really asks her how she's doing or how she's feeling. Who looks out for Haneul?

I ignore them and take my seat. My heart does that thing a normally functioning heart does and beat, but it’s slow and heavy. But I try not to think about that and instead focus on attaching the charm Sungjin gave me on to my phone. I admire the way it catches the light, the gentle sparkle on the surface, and just the way it fits right in my life. Strange how the entire team fits into my life.

I hear the girls laughing. Somewhere along there I hear them say my name. Enough is enough.

I gather my courage and stand up to walk up to them.

Haneul just looks at me, even though she’s sitting and I’m standing, it still feels like she’s looking down at me. But I don’t allow her to intimidate me anymore. It’s distressingly quiet, and the tension is suffocating. I am terrified.

“What?” she says, spitting the word out.

Around her, her friends laugh and watch me. It feels like the first day all over again. That I’m still the girl they kicked out of their group desperate to prove them wrong and wanting so badly to fit in with them. But I’m not that girl anymore. I don’t want to keep caring about what they think because it’s just so tiring. I am exhausted.

Byul recrosses her legs. “Iris, you’re too good for us. To what do we owe the honor?”

Jiyeon and Hana giggle together. I cut them a glance, hyperaware of every move they’re making. There’s a brief moment of panic in their eyes. Just a blip that they’re fully aware of what’s going on. I know that feeling. To hide behind someone else, it doesn’t matter how mean you know you’re being.

Haneul is more focused on her phone than on me. I always did feel like I had to compete with the world to get her attention. “What have I ever done to you?” I ask, finally. “Why are you so…so…so mean?”

The girls laugh.

Haneul doesn’t even look up. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’ve been antagonising me since the start of the year. Since before that.”

A small crowd has gathered around us, some of them have stopped and stared, others far less obvious about watching us.

Haneul continues scrolling through her phone. “Oh, Iris. What do you think it is that I did to you? How convenient of you to blame me for the things you do to yourself.”

“I know you’re the one who’s been spreading those lies about me. First you did whatever it was you did to me then you took that video and posted it on my channel. And then now you’re doing this. All this. What for?”

I won’t put it past her to have gotten Rocket to do the awful things he’s done. To me and the team. After he was kicked out, he had his parents withdraw all support to the team. After that he’s been badmouthing Sungjin and the regulars at every opportunity he can.

Haneul glances up at me. “You’re not that important, Iris.”

They laugh. It stings. It stings because I used to believe them.

“If I’m not important, then why are you so mean to me? You can’t be that bored to just be mean for the sake of being mean.” I’m shaking with anger. “You can’t just keep dismissing me.”

She rolls her eyes. “So dramatic. As if you’re not the one who started all this.”

“Me? What did I ever do to you? I did everything you asked. I did everything you wanted. I just tried so hard to make you like me.”

“Oh, come on. You keep acting like you’re the victim. Poor Iris, always the one bullied into things. Innocent Iris, you have everyone fooled. You knew I liked Matthew but you still did everything to make him like you instead.”

“I didn’t even do anything! I stayed as far away from him as possible. What are you talking about?” _This_ is what this is about? A boy?

She scoffs. “There you go again. When he subscribed to that channel of yours, you didn’t even tell me.”

“Because I didn’t know! I didn’t even know his username until recently. And that doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a game. That channel is all about video games, Haneul. Did it ever occur to you that he’s there for the content?”

I don’t even try to look pretty when I do show my face on that channel. And even that was a rare, twice or thrice a year, occurrence.

“You make it appear like I’m the villain, when it’s always been you. You're the one who keeps stealing the spotlight. You keep making people like you better than...” She composes herself. "And this year, when I started talking about Sungjin, you decided to steal him from me too."

“He wasn’t yours to begin with. Neither of them were.”

“But you do admit it. You’re the one who struck first. You’re the one who started this.”

My head is going around in circles trying to make sense of all this. “Start what? A war I don’t even intend to fight in?”

Haneul stands up. “You challenged me. You came up to me and threw down that glove. I only did what I had to do to fight back. You don’t get to have it all. Soon enough, they’ll find out what kind of person you are. The real you. You and your lies. And then I’ll have everything you thought you had and you’ll understand what it’s like to be me. You will always be the second choice. Right now you might think you’re winning, but you’re not.”

Maybe I do know what it’s like to be Haneul. “You always win,” I tell her.

She runs her hand through her hair and arranges it over her shoulder. “Of course, I do.”

Maybe I know her more than I thought. Maybe I even understand her. Maybe because I always thought she was the enemy, that everything she did made her appear more and more like the villain. What if the only reason she became this mean is because everyone said she was, so now when she looks in the mirror it’s what she sees. The words people use against you can turn you against yourself, and that’s the most hurtful of all.

“You win, Haneul,” I say. “I don’t want to be part of this fight anymore.”

She just looks at me like I’m spouting nonsense. “You don’t just let me win. I will trample you.”

I shrug. “It’s not a game. And if it were, I don’t think we’re playing the same one or by the same rules.”

None of this excuses what she did to me. I still think there is reckoning to be reckoned, but now I just don’t want to care anymore. Haneul can say whatever she wants to say. In the end, none of this will matter. One day, her words will come back to her. When all is said and done, who will haunted by all this? I won't let it be me.

“I’m sorry for whatever part I played in all this,” I say, finding my words in the mess in my head. “But you’re really just a mean person. I’m sorry you had to be, but I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore.”

Haneul curls her lip. Like I’m the one with the audacity to take this stance.

“I did like being friends with you, for a little while," I admit.

The corner of her lips twitch, but only just.

“For a little while I liked that you made me feel important. I hope you feel that way about yourself one day. The real kind of feeling.”

She just looks at me with complete and utter disgust. “Whatever, Iris. Now you’re acting like you know so much?”

I nod. “I know I don’t. I just know people who hurt other people are hurting too.” Because that was me. I wanted to hurt her because I was in pain. “I’m sorry.”

Then I go back to my seat and wait for class to begin.

During lunch, the word has gone around that I stood up to Haneul today. I still get the weird looks, but all that’s fielded off by the fact that all my friends are weird. As we’re walking to our table, Ayeon and Brian are openly flirting and making eyes at each other causing the whole grade to watch in envy. Jae is Jae, and with Sammy he’s only magnified. Right now, they’re debating the finer points of which English indie rock band is better, stopping to ask random lower-classmen’s opinions along the way. Sungjin, though, is always a sight to be seen.

Jae looks at me from behind his shoulder, “Are you sure there’s no video of you earlier today? Damn, I really wanted to see that.”

“Not everything’s on video,” I tell him. “Sorry.”

Then to the hallway full of students, he announces “No one messes with this crew!” He cackles loudly, curling his fingers mad scientist style in the air. “Else you’ll suffer the curse of the gods! Move peasants! Roll the red carpet!”

Behind them, I reach for Sungjin’s hand. He just smiles and squeezes my hand in his. Right now it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. As long as these people know that it’s because of them that I am brave. All that matters is what they think of me, because I think the world of them.


	22. Chapter 22

The afternoon before the big game, Ayeon and I go over the clubroom while the boys are still in practice. She’s taking pictures of the mess that is the baseball team’s natural habitat, the schedules on the board, the sign-up sheets, the old equipment no one’s taken out yet. It’s not even the end of the year, but I’m hit with a sense of nostalgia for something that hasn’t happened yet. Like Ayeon, I too want to preserve this moment forever.

“That’s it?” Ayeon says after I tell her what Haneul said to me. “That’s it? Seriously? I’m…disappointed. It’s a little underwhelming. I expected more. She made herself appear so evil.”

I shrug, feeling bad for Haneul. “I feel sorry for her. I feel like I never really made the effort to get to know her. She must be really hurting, you know? To put up that kind of facade and act out.”

I talked to my sister about this the other night. Aside from Chemistry, she’s also taking up Psychology. She said that maybe if Haneul and I actually made the effort to have a conversation, we probably wouldn’t be in this place. I envied her, and she envied me. But it’s too late now. We can’t be friends anymore.

“Or she could just be evil on the inside. Like really evil. I mean, she made your life miserable just because she can. Because of what? Because she didn’t get what she wanted.”

“It was a very specific kind of attention that she wanted. I can relate to that. To wanting something and not getting it and then going through all sorts of lengths just to get it. Or destroy it so no one else can have it.”

Ayeon plants her fist on her hip. “Okay, for one thing you are not evil. Sure, you lied about dating the captain of the baseball team but you didn’t hurt anybody. You didn’t go around spreading rumours that Haneul is a terrible person just to prove to yourself that you’re better than her.”

“I didn’t have to.” And then because I feel guilty saying that, I take it back. “Why are people so complicated?”

“Why do people have to put other people down just to make themselves feel better? I have no idea. Some people are just messed up.”

We head into the storage room because Ayeon says the memories from in there are important too. The implications are not lost on me, though Sungjin and I have yet to make any new memories there other than when the team locked us in there after training camp. There is still time for that. It’s tradition, after all. Who am I to break tradition?

I spot the plastic basket of letters and gifts in a corner.

“Do you want to look inside?” Ayeon asks. “I’ll go look the other way. As Jae would say, plausible deniability is our friend.”

I laugh. “I was just thinking this is why Sungjin said he wanted to fake date me. To get rid of all this. Well, to get rid of one sender specifically, but this was his excuse.”

“Honestly,” Ayeon says, taking more pictures of the gifts. “I think he just made up that excuse. I think he liked you way before that.”

I snort.

“He let it slip just the one time, but I’ll never forget it. It was last year, a little before the winter break. We—me, Brian, Jae, and him—were planning on getting dinner after studying for the finals when he suggested the curry shop. I think it was Brian who teased him about it, that he only liked it there because, like Jae and that one coffee shop, he had a crush on someone. Sungjin didn’t really deny it, he just said the curry is the best and, I quote, ‘So what if she’s pretty?’ So at the very least, he thought you were pretty.”

Ayeon says all this like it’s not a big deal, and perhaps in a way it isn’t anymore after all that’s happened. But my heart is so happy, it’s singing. “You’re just telling me this now?”

She shrugs. “I just thought of it. Now that I think about it, he has done a few things for you. Indirectly, maybe. I think in the end I think he didn’t ask you out because you were friends with Haneul and, well, they’re not exactly the best of people. No offense, but that group tends to think the world revolves around them. But that’s just me. You’ll have to ask him.”

I don’t want to, nor do I need to. Knowing this much is enough. “Do you want to read the ones sent to Jae instead?”

We don’t do that, but the idea makes us both laugh out loud.

 

***

 

That night, Sungjin calls me.

“You should be sleeping,” I tell him as soon as I answer the phone. Sungjin rarely calls so I should really cherish this moment, but also they need to get to Nationals. “You have an important day tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep.”

I roll over to my side, hugging my pillow. “Nervous about tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Me, too.”

“I’m glad you’ll be there.”

I silently squeal into my pillow. When I’m calm, I say “I won’t miss it for anything. I want to be there for you. For this moment in your life.” Somehow, I can feel him smiling from the other end of the line. “Try to get some sleep. I’ll see you first thing tomorrow morning.”

“Good night, Captain.”

“Good night, Sungjin.”

 

***

 

The entire team is just a bunch of nerves. From the moment they gather in the morning, all the way to the stadium, they’ve been this anxious ball of explosives that can blow up at any minute. Sungjin looks calm, but I know he’s the most nervous of them all.

Yet the day is beautiful, and I’m optimistic that nothing can go wrong in the sense that no matter what the outcome is, as long as all of us are together like this, the world can’t be such a bad place. It smells like summer is coming, like there are only endless lazy summer days ahead of us. Sunny days where everything is bright and hopeful.

This morning when I woke up, I felt like there would be time to do everything. But now that we’re here and the boys are watching some other team take their practice round, it feels like everyone is running here and there unprepared. Even I can taste the dirt on my lips and I’ve stepped nowhere near the field. Ayeon takes more pictures, Jihyo and Jeongyeon are helping with the pep talk, and Jimin may as well be in charge, talking to Coach Taec about this management book she was reading the night before.

Jae is running around like a chicken searching for his mitt that’s already on his hand by the way.

“You’d think he’d realize it by now,” I say to Brian who is standing next to me. I hand him a rice ball Ayeon and I made for them. “It’s on his hand. How has not seen it yet?”

“Nerves,” Brian cooly replies.

“Aren’t you nervous?”

“I’m dead inside.”

The team warms up together, and the shared activity releases some of the worry. Little by little they relax until someone finally laughs and then they’re all laughing. Sungjin is trying his best to make the atmosphere as light as he can. We all understand what this means to him,sometimes it feels like he has the most to lose, and yet he’s the one bringing levity to this moment.

I admire Sungjin from where I’m standing with the rest of the equipment. His whiteand orange color-blocked uniform is already stained and he has some dirt on his face, but the determination in his eyes draw you in. He lifts his cap, runs his hand over his head, and then pulls his cap back on. Sometimes I think he does that on purpose because he knows what it does to my insides. When he glances at me and winks, I know for sure he really is doing it on purpose.

When they go for their practice round to get used to the playing field, Ayeon and I are quiet. Even Sammy doesn’t say anything. Jihyo is biting her nails. Jeongyeon doesn’t even want to look at the opposing team’s videos. We just sit there and watch them. My stomach has too many butterflies to even eat, I’ve forgotten all about our snacks. I feel like I’m going to be sick, and I’m not even in the game.

At some point, we probably do say something, but it does’t register. It’s probably someone assuring the other that they’ve worked hard for this. That they’ve trained enough. That no matter what, we will always be proud of them. Things you say to make yourself feel better because you’re scared.

I make up some excuse, like the vending machine in the bathroom or something, before the game officially begins. Walking around always dissipated the excess energy, but this time I have a specific destination in mind. Sneaking into the dugout is probably a terrible idea, but I have to see Sungjin.

The dimness of the tunnel leading to the field is disorienting when walking in from direct sunlight. For a few seconds, I’m blinded while my eyes adjust. But it doesn’t take long. I find Sungjin because he’s standing right there. He watches me as I cross the remaining distance between us. My heart is pounding in my ears.

A smile breaks on his face. “I was hoping you’d show up. I didn’t think you would.”

A few players are still shuffling in and out of the lockers and into their respective benches, but no one is paying any attention to us. I walk slowly, only because I might run and tackle him if I don’t force myself to calm down.

Sungjin keeps his eyes on me. He waits for me to get close enough. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. He may be smiling, but there’s also something else.

“You’ll do well today,” I assure him, “You’ve already done so well. I don’t say it enough but I really believe in you.”

I don’t know if that’s the best opening. Should I have started with ‘Hello’?

“I’m just really glad you’re here,” he breathes. “There’s a lot hanging on today’s game.”

“I can’t possibly imagine how this feels like for you, but I want you to know no matter what happens, the team will always be there for you.”

He raises a brow.

“I will always be here for you.”

“I’m terrified,” he confesses. “I keep thinking, ah, what if this is the last?”

“But what if it’s not?”

He laughs then, a low chuckle that betrays his attempt at lightheartedness. He looks down. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“And now here you are.” I take a step closer and touch his arm. “You’re so close to it now. If you reach out, you can grab hold of it. Come on, is this really how Captain Sungjin closes a season? Admit it, you’re a little excited.”

“I am. We’ve made it this far.”

“And you’ll make it even further. Maybe even all the way. But for now, you need to make it through this game. Remember this game as the day you gave it your all.”

He tilts his head and his eyes sparkle at me. “I’m still feeling a little nervous, you should make me feel better a little bit more.”

I shove his chest, and he traps my hand there. I can feel his heartbeat. He's so nervous. More than I thought. “You don’t need luck. You’re Captain Sungjin. You got this.”

It’s hard not to miss the playful glint in his eyes. Sungjin surveys the area, looks in every direction before landing his gaze back on me. My heart skips a beat, anticipating where this is heading. His eyebrows twitch and he puckers his lips.

“No, Sungjin. I don’t want you to get into trouble!”

He just laughs. “No one’s even here. Didn’t you come here to wish me luck?”

I look around just the same. “I did, but if you get in trouble then it will all have been useless.” Yet I take a step forward.

“Honestly, I’m not even sure what’s the worst that could happen.”

“Uhm, you don’t get to play for this game?” I am genuinely worried, but Sungjin is not even bothered one bit. He’s confident. Always so very confident despite his fears.

When he laughs, his eyes crinkle. “Then you should make it quick.”

“You’re terrible, you know that?” I smile. “But I also really want you to win this game and go all the way through Nationals.” I pretend to consider it.

“You’ve become greedy.”

“I like winning.”

“I like winning, too.”

I laugh. Then I push myself up on tiptoes and kiss him. This is what I want to remember when I look back to this day: this feeling of happiness that can’t be explained or quantified. Sungjin puts his hands around my waist and pulls me in.

“I like you so much,” he whispers when I pull away. His eyes are closed. “I like you. I want to keep liking you like this.”

With all the certainty this moment, and all that I’ve gone through, can give me, I answer in return, “I love you. Now go out there and do your best.”

And I know for sure that I have never loved him more than I do at this moment. I don’t think I can stop now. Even when the future finally comes, I know in my heart I will remember this day forever.


	23. Chapter 23

Half of the restaurant is closed off for the team; Sammy’s parents are paying.

Jae’s started off singing _We Are the Champions_ , and while we haven’t even started training for Nationals yet, Sungjin says it’s good to celebrate the small victories. The air smells so much like home, like spices and smoke, and summer just waiting around the corner. Some days, I still can’t believe I’m sitting here with these faces reflecting back the best of me.

Dad and Coach Taec are having a full-on philosophical conversation with bottles of soju between them. It’s been an hour since they sat down, and they don’t look like they’re going anywhere else soon. On the long table taking up the rest of the space is the team. My new family. Brian has an arm around Ayeon, cuddling her and falling asleep. Dowoon is being made to run around and get more water or soda or side dishes, though there isn’t any reason he should be. Wonpil is just talking nonstop, arguing with Jae about a million topics per sentence. The girls are already formulating the schedule for the next month. Sammy...is regretting why he even made friends with us at all.

Sungjin and I are sitting in a corner of the room. He’s somehow forced his spare jersey on me so now I’m wearing his number—16—as proudly as one should. I’m trying not to let it show I’ve ascended to another plane of existence. I’m wrapped in his laundry detergent smell and it’s just like being hugged by him. Almost.

I want it to be like this all the time.

“What are you thinking?” he asks, eyes shining bright like the sun.

I smile at the table. Too shy to admit that I’m thinking about him, I say “I’m thinking I’m glad you won. If you hadn’t, I don’t know, I think I would have moved on to the basketball team.”

Sungjin pulls a childish pouty frown on his face.

When his eyes are on me like this, I wonder why I spent so long being so concerned about the way other people look at me. Is it selfish to always want him happy like this? To want these little pockets of moments away from the real world? So many things are dawning upon us and I’m terrified of what the future brings. Please don’t let this feeling end.

We are silent, looking into each other’s eyes and smiling like it’s the first time we’re seeing each other like this. In the future, maybe we can have this moment just the two of us away from all these lights and sounds. I know, eventually, the unknown will come however which way it will. But that’s not important right now. Right now, I feel invincible.

I tell him that.

“Invincible Iris. I like that,” he says, “it suits you, Captain.”

And because I feel invincible, “Let’s go,” I say, pushing my chair back and taking his hand.

“Where are we going?” Sungjin glances at my dad, at the team, at the whole room.

“It’s okay,” I laugh. “It’s just stuffy in here. Let’s go.”

No one notices us leave, or if anyone does, no one minds. Sungjin and I walk down the street, pinkies locked together. The warming evening air fills my lungs with possibility. My stomach is fluttering, and next to me Sungjin feels the same anticipatory feeling charging the air with electricity. This feeling of knowing we both feel the same way is both comforting and sweltering.

“Do you really not remember when you started liking me?” I ask. Because now I’m brave enough to ask these things and not wonder about them.

Our hands sway in a rhythm as we walk in synchronised steps. “Suddenly asking me things…” he mutters.

“Tell me.”

He hums. “I don’t know. I really don’t know when it happened. I think one day, all of a sudden, my body isn’t listening to me anymore. I tell myself not to look at you, but my eyes are already on you. I tell myself not to go to you, but then I can’t let go of your hand. And then without even knowing why, or even without you doing anything, my heart is pounding. Like I’ve been walking in a desert and then suddenly you happened to me and before I knew it, like rain, you’re pouring all over me.”

I halt in my tracks. “Just like that?”

“Just like that.” Sungjin steps up to me, leaning over to gently knock his forehead against mine. “Just like that and I knew that I didn’t want to pretend anymore. That maybe I haven’t been pretending for a long while. What I feel for you is different. I’ve never felt like this before.”

I smile at my sneakers, unsure of what to do with the rush of emotion in my chest. “So now we go all in? For real and no holding back?”

“A real first,” he whispers.

In my mind I want to say something like _a grow old together type of love_ , but maybe that’s something I’ll say when I can find the words to make my lips work. Because even though this feels like something real, it’s scary. Or maybe it’s scary because it feels like something real.

All things that make _Moments_ are scary, but maybe that’s part of the thrill. For so long I’ve been so afraid to experience life as it is, forcing it to be a certain way. But life’s not like that. I can’t control what happens the same way I can’t control what people think of me. All I can control is how I can respond to these things. How I think so I can make sense of how I feel.

I want Sungjin to be my first everything.

He takes me in his arms and holds me tighter than he’s ever done before. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his chest. If life is a series of moments, these are the moments I want to keep having.

“You said I could probably handle it.”

“What?” I look up at him, craning my neck because he won’t let go.

“When I asked how spicy your special level 10 curry was, you said I looked like someone who could handle anything.”

“I said that?”

“The first time we talked, I think. It was probably in the beginning of first year? When you started working at the restaurant during the weekdays too. I was there the night before my tryouts and I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to be on the team. I said if I could pass one challenge, then maybe I could go for one more. You said I look like the type who can handle anything.”

“You are, though.”

“Maybe I liked you as far back as then. Maybe not like this, but I could never forget you.”

I don’t even remember that happening at all. In my memories, there was never a start of a finish. Sungjin has just always been there, in the background at first but now at my side as the other leading character in my story.

I rise up to kiss him, and he melts into me. I want to keep kissing him. For the rest of the night, until the morning, and forever and ever. We kiss slowly. Carefully. Taking big gulps of air before diving in again.

I suppose for me it’s the same. One day, Sungjin was suddenly pouring all over me and there’s nothing I could have done to stop it. All I can do is soak it all up and learn how to dance in the rain.


	24. Epilogue

Summer tastes like dirt.

I turn away from Sungjin, but he won’t let me go. He has his arms around my waist and he’s been trying to kiss me for the past fifteen minutes. But he’s filthy. He’s taken one too many slides on the field and he stinks.

“No,” I squeal, wiggling away from his grasp. All that flailing knocks my cap—technically Sungjin’s cap before I stole it—off my head. “Not until after you clean up. The faucet’s right there.”

We’ve somehow pulled each other into the narrow alleyway behind the clubroom and the row of faucets behind the building. The intention wasn’t here exactly, it was more like the storage room as somehow we’ve decided today’s the day we dip our toes into tradition. But, again as I said, he needs to clean up first.

“Alright, alright. Fine,” he mutters, letting me go and dunking his hands and his head under running water.

I pick up my cap and dust it off before setting it back over my head. “Captain, is this really the exemplary behavior you’re setting for your teammates?”

He whisks water into my face. “Captain, I’m only human and I need to recharge my strength too.” Then he waggles his brows at me.

I step back into the shadows cast by the buildings and the trees and Sungjin pulls me into him. His kisses are soft, always so soft, and slow. With his thighs, he pushes his figure into mine and presses me against the wall. These kisses are always his. Him and his solid strength charging electricity through the multiple layers between us.

These kisses never last for long either, and it’s over before I can fully lose myself in the haze. We walk back to the field together, five minutes before practice resumes. Ayeon always knows what just happened but says nothing. She only gives me that knowing look. The exact same look I give her when she and Brian take breaks throughout the day.

Nationals is not far away. Counting down the days instills a bone-deep panic in everyone, but it’s these moments of levity that remind us to breathe. Jae is stretching out a cramp near the dugout, he’s down to his undershirt having tossed his uniform aside. The heat is unforgiving.

“I’m still pissed Rocket’s not getting kicked out of school,” he says when he sees us. “I was so hoping I won’t have to see his face anymore.”

Rocket’s family has made generous donations to the school fund making sure hispermanent record stays free of any expulsions. It’s hardly fair, considering he got caught cheating during midterms. Too bad Haneul is still around, not one bit charged with any of her crimes. Both of them are unfortunately still in our lives. But now that I’ve been spending all my time keeping busy with academics, picking out universities, baseball, and Sungjin, I haven’t had time to think about her or what anyone else thinks of me. Now I just wish them irrelevance and a loss of a platform for them to reign over. If they can just disappear and be ignored forever, that would be nice.

As of today, I’ve become yesterday’s news again. Life has been quiet since.

Or not quite.

There’s a rabble of boy screams when Brian comes running out of the lockers with a bucket of water and splashing his teammates. Coach is just lying down on the bench, cooling himself down with a paper fan. I take Dowoon and we refill the water station.

“They haven’t been giving you a hard time, have they?” I ask him.

He just shakes his head.

“You’ve gone a long way,” I continue. “I remember when Sungjin recruited you.”

Dowoon makes a face.

“That was scary.”

He nods. Then he shrugs.

A ball bounces on my sneakers. And then another. And then another. I pick them up, one by one, and half of me wants to throw them back to where they came from but the other half of me is already smiling.

_I. Love. You._

Sungjin is grinning at me from the batter’s box.

“Hey, slugger,” I call out, “Since when do you hit foul balls?”

Brian dumps his bucket of water all over Sungjin, and Sungjin just sighs, letting the ice water soak into his clothes. “Sorry, Cap,” Brian laughs, “Rules are rules. Now you have to do it.”

I glance at Jae, who is cackling as he takes out his phone to take a video.

Ayeon appears next to me, already laughing before whatever this is has even started. There will be time to ask her what all this means later on.

“Captain Iris!” Sungjin yells, loud enough his voice travels the field. “I love you!”

Then my Captain Sungjin is buried in a boy pile of around nine or so of his teammates jumping and crashing on top of each other crushing their captain who’s disappeared somewhere in the bottom.

“Yeah, that’s a thing,” Ayeon explains. “Don’t worry. Sungjin’s, like, solid. He’s probably going to Hulk himself out of that dogpile.”

“We should probably…” We start backing away.

Jae, however, hops closer with his phone. “This is going to be the best year-end video ever. Smile at the camera, guys!”

“Am I supposed to answer him?” I ask Ayeon. We've already walked away from the dugout, climbing up toward the main walkway and to the courtyard. It's summer break. We have better things to do than watch the boys throw around a ball all day long. We'll come back for them later. Or maybe they'll come find us. Sammy is already waiting for us at our favorite gelato shop.

“Hmmm,” she answers cheekily. “Make him work for it.”

I laugh. In any case, Sungjin knows I love him.


End file.
